Am I a bad step mum for this?
I hate that my husband has another kid. He was 16 when he had her. I've been in love with this man for a good decade now and I just hate that he's got another kid.
The year his kid was born was a very difficult year for me as it was, then I find out he's having a baby. That was the year I nearly committed suicide because of everything going on. He was my friend and I watched him fall in love with someone else, get engaged and have a kid. All in the space of a year. And it was horrible because I was his friend so I saw it all. I was there for him when he needed me. But I never told him the truth. After his kid was born I grew numb to my emotions and was pretty detached for a while. I felt so little, anything I did feel wasn't good.
Now almost 7 years later and I can't stand it. Why did I get caught up in all this? I should have known it was going to be very emotional but I was happy for once.
Now it seems that I do everything for his kid that he should be doing. I pick out all the birthday and Christmas presents. I arrange the dates that we see his kid, they live far away. I remind hubby to call his kid every day he can, when he's not at work. I did all his court paperwork. I handle his child maintenance case. And I can't even tell BM that I do all this cos she don't like me and it wouldn't change everything. I've tried with her to get along for the kids sake but she's not interested.
I'm just stuck and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't just stop doing what I do because my husband's child will miss out and they don't deserve that, they're innocent in all this. I guess I bare a big hatred towards BM and towards my husband. He gave me hope that the kid may not be his and we found out that they are his. And with this court order I can't ignore his kid.
Am I bad for wanting him to walk away?
Sorry for ranting.
IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THIS CHILD'S LIFE TO MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRAPPY PARENTS. BM and DH are lousy parents, but that doesn't mean it falls to you. If you weren't in the picture, this kid would still be stuck with two lousy parents. People have kids all the time, even when they shouldn't. It is what it is, even if that sounds cruel. It is not your responsibility to be the best "Mommy" because BM and DH won't step up and do their part. They chose to have this child or at least chose to be irresponsible with sex, leading to this child. Your DH's laziness and lack of parenting should not be prioritized ahead of your happiness and you don't seem happy.
You hate that he has one.. I
You hate that he has one.. I bet if YOU stepped down from doing all of his dirty work for his child for him.. you wouldn't have the issue but sole knowledge that he has a kid out there as it doesn't sound like he would make much attempt towards this child.
Mine could have custody of his if he wanted it. I initiated it and he followed like a puppy.. I backed off because if he wants her then can do it.. everything that was going on just fell on the floor, splat. Done. Over.
You cannot make someone be a father, as shitty as it is for any kid. It's not your burden.
*BUT* keep in mind that if the two of you were to ever have kids together.. you already have seen the type of parent he would be. Don't let yourself think that it would be any different.
Your either a parent or your not and it's unfortunate that kids get stuck with a lot of those who are not.
Kids
We've got 2 kids together and he's completely different with them. He spends time with them and loves them and plays with them. To them, he's the best dad in the world. I dunno if it's the ex that's the problem?
Have you had any of the deep
Have you had any of the deep conversations with him about this child? I would say that it is not too uncommon for this type of situation.. the dads just kind of fade away. There may be some resentment to the situation as a whole. Making it out of the teenage years without a kid in toe to some is a damn accomplishment and others a resentment. Where is he on this? Does he want to be a part of the kids life or would he better just walk away? Though it may be shitty on his part as a dad but wouldn't be too terribly bad for the kid if the kid and bm move on with life and not be stuck to him either?
If only there were a shut off to reproductive organs during adolescence and immaturity. It's the cold hard truth. He may be at a completely different place in his life where he is not all that accepting of his past either and that will be something that he has to live with not you or anyone else. Though what you are doing and putting forth seems like the right thing to do.. and it may be.. but it's not YOUR right thing to do. If he can't pull the weight himself then he needs to come to terms with the child and his mother in whatever way that goes.
By doing all the work for him
By doing all the work for him to see the child, you aren't helping, really - you are creating the illusion that his father cares about him. If his father DOES care about him, he will pick up the slack when you drop everything you do. If he doesn't care, it's best the child knows that now.
Sometimes women overfunction for men, and they are happy to allow us to - so when you stop doing everything, he might pick it up himself.
I think this goes much deeper
I think this goes much deeper - and farther back - than SD and parenting.
It sounds like you were a teenager who fell head-over-heels for someone while in middle/high school. That kind of puppy love can become obsessive because you don't know any better (and if you don't have good supports at home, you just fall into your emotions more).
You wrapped yourself up so tightly in your DH that when he found someone else, you just wanted to die (and nearly did). That's not healthy, and it doesn't sound like you ever actually recovered from that.
What happened was that he broke up with his high school girlfriend, like one does. He then discovered that he had feelings for you, and you were all too eager to have the fantasy that you had in your head.
So now you've "won" what your teenage and young adult brain wanted, and you don't want to lose it. So, you're doing everything you can to be the perfect wife. Because SD is in the picture, you have a "project" you can throw yourself into to show just how awesome you are and how superior you are.
BUT...now you're in your mid-20s. The high school fantasy has faded as you've exited adolescents, and you realize that your DH would have made a great HS boyfriend, but he is a pretty lousy husband. I've found teen parents either exceed expectations or stay at the same age they had their kid, and it seems your DH just got stuck in HS. That's partly what made him appealing when he was available again, because you didn't heal from your puppy love addiction to him, and he was EXACTLY how you remembered him.
You've outgrown this relationship because you grew up. You realize how hard adulting is. You realize the fantasy you had was just that - a fantasy. I get it. I married my high school sweetheart who had been my best friend and by my mid-20s I was so fed up with who he was turning into, and realized that my fantasies of being with someone forever were mostly fiction. I should have NEVER married him because neither of us entered into our relationship in a good place, neither of us had good examples of young and successful relationships, and we were both so wrapped up in our own heads of what we THOUGHT was right that we never bothered to challenge those opinions and try things differently.
I don't think SD or his poor parenting is the issue here. It's an issue, for sure. But, I read this as you realizing that this isn't what you actually wanted, and what you wanted can't actually happen. You're not wrong for feeling that; you're just growing up. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband, either. It just means you realize that he IS a good friend and WAS a good partner, but he IS NOT the husband you need or want.
Don't try to make your fantasy happen. It can't. SD exists. That shatters it right there. This isn't what you want, and there is no shame in saying "you know what, I was wrong about this being everything I wanted, but it was a good learning experience for me."
Kudos to you!!
Whoa!! Awesomely said!
Thanks
I get what you're saying, but it's not entirely like that. We'd both moved on as teenagers. And things were fine. My mum was abusive towards me most of my life and that year was just a bad one. DHs ex was a terror. Still is tbh.
It's hard to explain. But I don't feel like I've "won" persay. But I feel happy, up to a point. My husband is an amazing father to our two children and is a loving husband. It's just his own kid that is different.
I think it's bad to want your
I think it's bad to want your husband to walk away from his kid. He should not do that. It's just wrong. But it is not wrong AT ALL for YOU to step away. Stop functioning for him. Don't remind him to call the child, don't arrange the visits, don't buy the cards and gifts. It's not your kid, it's not your job. Either your husband will step up or he won't. It has nothing to do with you. Sure, the innocent kid may suffer, but that's not your fault. Right now you're just giving the child a false sense that her father cares. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but you won't know until you force him to take care of his kid on his own. If he steps up, it'll be best for the kid and for your husband's long term relationship with his child. If he doesn't, it's not your problem. You will have less resentment, and it'll be better for your mental health, if you leave everything to do with your husband's child to your husband.
snagging a partner because
snagging a partner because you want to be happy is a bad idea. Happiness has to be there for the individual before there is going to be happiness in a relationship.
Are you bad? No. But it is wrong. Staying under these circumstances is wrong. The kid is 7yo and you say nothing about the kid being trouble or ill behaved.
snagging a partner because
snagging a partner because you want to be happy is a bad idea. Happiness has to be there for the individual before there is going to be happiness in a relationship.
Are you bad? No. But it is wrong. Staying under these circumstances is wrong. The kid is 7yo and you say nothing about the kid being trouble or ill behaved.
All IMHO of course.