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Wow, what can I say? HELP ME...... SD and BS issues

jenjen's picture

I have one son, 13. He has 2 daughters, 7 and 9. My son loves, adores and gets along great with the little one. Why wouldn't he, she's a good kid, a little over coddled but a darling none the less. He used to be okay with the older one, annoyed with her "behavior" issues, but put them aside thinking "she's only 6, only 7, she'll get over it, this too shall pass". well, after 2 more years of her behaving like a toddler, he can't stand it anymore and gets easily irritated by her slightest wrong doing and loses it and starts in on her, which he shouldn't do, but I think its his new way of dealing with it. He will leave her alone until she "acts up" and then start messing with her just to see how far she takes it, how upset he can get her. (he's not flat out mean, just picks on her behaviors, like telling her shes acts like a toddler and whines like a baby) I have to admit, I'm at my wits end with it too. I don't understand how a nine year old can throw screaming, loss of body control, flailing like a fish on the ground full body and screaming tantrums over things so insignificant like not getting what she wants for dinner or not getting to have a sleepover. I also don't understand how a nine year old can behave like that in front of her friends. Or why she doesn't understand why my son does not like her anymore because she acts like that? She complains to her dad that "he (my son) only likes her sister and doesn't like her". Well???? Really? Can you blame him?

I feel bad for getting on my son about picking on her, but if she didn't act like that he wouldn't pick. This isn't a chicken and egg scenario either, he really wouldn't pick if she didn't act like that, I know because he doesn't start until she has a "freak out episode". He went through a brief period where he had a hard time resetting even if he hadn't seen her in days, he could "start fresh", but after talking to him (again, I feel like I'm putting it on him to be nice, to tip toe to avoid her episodes - like its his fault - I hate this feeling) he decided that he would intentionally reset himself everyday and give her a chance....but said he didn't think he could do it more then a couple times a day at most. I understand that and told him when he gets to "the point" he cant take it, to try and avoid her. Well, he's getting back to the being unable to reset thing again and while he still doesn't start anything with her until she starts acting like that, he instantly knows its coming and cant stand seeing her face anymore. Actually, I'm being unfair, now, sometimes he does start it, in a way, like he knows if he hears another "OMG, and then she said, OMG, and then I said" story, he'll puke so he will put up the hand or shush her from speaking. But what's really sad is he has nothing positive to say about her anymore. I'm getting there too.

Now, her father and I have completely different parenting styles. I feel I laid the groundwork early with my son, taught him the fundamentals, and while things arise now and again, he is not a behavior problem or even a challenge at all despite his ADHD. He's a good kid for the most part, we have a good relationship, he talks to me (which is terrific that a 13 year old talks to their parent) and in general I don't need to punish him for much these days. Most of the time, just a conversation about right and wrong does him well. This method would not work on her, she wasn't taught those fundamentals as a toddler/small child and thus behaves like a toddler/small child. She has no guilt, no self control what so ever. The younger one, we have had some influence on, which is great, because if she starts to get upset about something I can start a conversation with her and we can talk out/work out her issue before she loses it, she is learning good self regulation/self control/self contentment/self esteem. With the older girl, I'm at a loss.

She once was upset at my son for not wanting her to tag along with him and a neighborhood friend (this is her neighborhood, we just moved in this year), the friend is my sons age, actually a year older, but they just wanted to have what my son told her was "older kid time"...he was very nice and respectful about it. She flipped her lid, totally freaked out. We were out grocery shopping with the younger one and she was home with my son (the friend and my son were just hanging in his room). She called us 20 times yelling at her dad about the unfairness of it all, freaking out, crying. Meanwhile my son called me because he was concerned and didn't know what to do with her. We left the store and were home within 20 minutes. In that time she tore up and made a general mess in the living room. She was sitting in the LR crying and whining and screaming, just so the other people in the house knew of her anger. Keep in mind, there was company over, and she acted like this. Well, she wasn't in trouble. She didn't have to spend the day in her room, nothing, she was only forced to apologize to me (and I mean forced to say sorry - she didn't mean it) but that's it. I would have handled that differently, but I cant even fathom my son acting like that at that age. With a little one, (who normally would act like that) has a tantrum, you give them a time out/cooling off and talk to them after, and you make them understand the misbehavior not just "say sorry" but at her age - wtf?

Its starting to effect my relationship too. I feel stressed all the time, the weekdays are fine, but when Friday rolls around and I know I'm gonna have to listen to it or recluse to my sons bedroom (not mine because they all follow me in there) I feel like crap. I get mad at him for not fixing her, but what can he do when he only has her on the weekend? I hate this!!! Help?

soverysad's picture

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soverysad's picture

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jenjen's picture

Well, her father and I did have a long talk this past weekend about it all. However, he seems to think some of the problem lies with my son. Well, everyone shouldnt have to walk on egg shells around her to avoid setting her off. So what he wants to do is point out when my son is "starting it" and I point out when its her. This is fine except I dont think he would understand that her hovering, eves dropping or the nasty little faces she makes is starting something that my son cannot help but comment on? And no, I dont think commenting on someones behavior is "starting something".

soverysad's picture

Sounds like he's deflecting. Maybe you could talk to your son and tell him that it is really important that he try to "reset" and ignore her for the next weekend and then her father has no argument. The issue shouldn't be who started it or why it happened. The issue IS HER BEHAVIOR. Even if your son did something to provoke - her behavior is completely disproportionate to any perceived spark. She's acting like a toddler. It doesn't matter why, does it, really? Suppose your husband is right (and I don't believe he is), she isn't going to be able to control other people's behavior in life. She can only control her own (or can't in her case). She needs to learn how to control her response to people and react in an acceptable manner. IT IS YOUR HUSBAND's JOB TO TEACH HER. Kids learn by what they see and what the response is to their actions / reactions. She needs to be reprogrammed. Obviously, he thinks you're taking sides and wants to make it about both kids misbehaving. Tell him you understand that (even if you don't), but your concern is more that she doesn't react appropriately to being picked on and that as she gets older she will come into contact with more and more people who disagree with her, annoy her, do things she doesn't like, etc (this gives the impression that you believe your son is annoying her or whatever, but you aren't really agreeing with him) and that if she has a meltdown everytime, she will alienate herself and be unable to have adult friendships / relationships. Wingnut (my DH's ex) is 45 and she literally has temper tantrums if someone doesn't follow her "script". Its appalling. Is that what he wants for his daughter? He'll be getting phone calls from grocery stores / banks / office buildings because she'll be in a heap on the floor when they can't cash a check?

jenjen's picture

Your advice is great. I will tell my son again how proud I am of his handing the situation and request he put his most valiant effort in this weekend. I will also try to keep the focus more on her inappropriate reactions and how it will affect her future.

soverysad's picture

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StepChicka's picture

As far as them two not getting along, its normal sibling stuff and step-sibs aren't immune to it. My son lashes out at his sister when she's being a bother to him...and visa versa. A tip: I try to keep my kids seperated when one or the other is being a pest. I talk to them about their behavior when an issue. I think you can too if you're the only parent around. You're the adult in charge afterall.

I can't help but wonder if your SD could be acting out because she's lost her place in the family. She's no longer the oldest child..she's smack dab in the middle. Middle kids are kinda prone to feeling left out to begin with. They feel their voices aren't heard like the Oldest and Youngest ones. She's lost her rank so-to-speak and this is something she can't get over perhaps?... Just food for thought.

jenjen's picture

Yes, I do think her issue partially revolve around losing her place. The only child who stayed in the same rank/pecking order is the little one. Mine went from only to a sibling and she went from top dog to middle.

I do understand that, but her personality type and coddling that she received has not helped her in the transition. Granted, my son is older, but he's still just a kid and when we all met he was near her age and he transistioned from getting all of my attention to sharing me with 3 other people fairly well. He just talked to me about it, he didnt lash out.

I think its the difference in how they were raised, she just doesnt know how to deal. I'm hoping over time, and some more effort by her father and I, we can help her become a better adjusted individual.

I also just hope in the mean time, I can resist the temptation to throw my hands up. I love her father dearly, and I love my family, but it was so much easier when it was just my son and I. I thought I was done with the tough kid stuff and just looking forward to grumpy teen stuff! Blah Sad I have faith though.... I do, I do, I do.

jenjen's picture

Okay, so the weekend went interestingly..... but it was okay. I think he may finally be seeing that its his daughters bad behavior leading to mine saying something, leading to more overreacting, leading to mine saying more, leading to a complete meltdown fit....(these are the fits he is involved in, many have nothing to do with him).

This weekend she freaked/had fits over the following:
1) She wanted steak
2) She didnt want hot sauce on the wings that werent even for her
3) She didnt get to play with something that didnt belong to her
4) My son "hates" her
5) She wasnt included to hang with my son and his friend friday night (She wasnt pushed away, he wasnt mean to her, he just didnt involve her in what they were doing)
6) She kept sticking her face out/around to make sure people were reacting to what she said while we were watching a christmas movie on TV and mine got irritated with her and asked her to stop.
7) She had to go to bed
Dirol She wasnt invited to go to the store with my son and I
9) She wanted to go to the gas station and no one would take her

.... I could go on but you get the picture. I just dont know what to do to help the kid.

StepChicka's picture

Ah jenjen...that would drive me bonkers! Try to disengage but continue to keep BS and SD separated then leave it up to DH to take care of it. Maybe then he'll see that you're not propetuating the cycle.

He really needs to sit down with her about respecting people's boundaries. Is there anything she's into?..like ballet, sports, musical instruments, books? She sounds like she has nothing to do with her time and wants to be entertained. If she has those things her behavior is definitly a cry for attention. DH needs to focus on her more. If she likes you (and visa versa) then maybe some time w/you is in order. Take her to get your nails done, movies, a game, baking cookies. Make a point to do this with SD once a week. Same with DH...something with just her. Maybe then she'll start to feel better and most importantly ACT better. Smile

Keep us posted.

jenjen's picture

The dear child gets loaded with attention. More so then the other two, 1 way she gets attention is from our attempt to entertain/occupy her into less behavior problems and the other reason is because she acts out and gets attention that way. Mine only "requires" attention for homework and son to mom venting about SD and the occasional day he just wants to have me to himself like the old days. The little one, only when she truly cannot find anything to entertain herself with.... But SD9 requires attention all the time. She has things to do, its just if nothing is scheduled for her shes bored. When she has nothing to do and DH hasnt provided her with a project, shes always in someones face. When my son is gone she follows me around like a puppy. I used to take her places, but she is so unappreciative that I just dont anymore...I'd rather take the other two out, who say thank you and mean it!

DH does know that she has boundry issues and has no respect for privacy, he talks to her and talks to her, she says she gets it but doesnt change so I dont know if she really cant comprehend what he is telling her or if she chooses to not follow through.

I think I do need to disengage a bit, just take a few steps back but continue to offer advise to DH. Call me selfish, but I just dont have the time or energy to invest in her anymore. Shes got a mom and a dad to do that, shes not mine and I cant help but think that if she was mine she wouldn't have these problems.

But I have another 5 days of relaxation and no problems..... ahhh..... before the weekend comes again!

soverysad's picture

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jenjen's picture

OMG! I know!! The thing that irritates me, beyond the dancing in front of the TV or yapping or singing loudly....its the constant looks to make sure someone saw her. Shes not dancing or yapping or singing to be doing something, shes doing it for the sole purpose of being the center of attention. I dont think it would irriate me or mine so much if it was just that she was cluelessly getting in the way.

Her "Show" even includes when the girl will be sitting next to you on the couch, she'll fart, and I kid you not, instead of "excuse me", C-R-A-N-K goes around the neck to stick her face out to see yours and see your reaction to her spendid fart..... it's rediculous!

soverysad's picture

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"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

soverysad's picture

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