I have one son, 13. He has 2 daughters, 7 and 9. My son loves, adores and gets along great with the little one. Why wouldn't he, she's a good kid, a little over coddled but a darling none the less. He used to be okay with the older one, annoyed with her "behavior" issues, but put them aside thinking "she's only 6, only 7, she'll get over it, this too shall pass". well, after 2 more years of her behaving like a toddler, he can't stand it anymore and gets easily irritated by her slightest wrong doing and loses it and starts in on her, which he shouldn't do, but I think its his new way of dealing with it. He will leave her alone until she "acts up" and then start messing with her just to see how far she takes it, how upset he can get her. (he's not flat out mean, just picks on her behaviors, like telling her shes acts like a toddler and whines like a baby) I have to admit, I'm at my wits end with it too. I don't understand how a nine year old can throw screaming, loss of body control, flailing like a fish on the ground full body and screaming tantrums over things so insignificant like not getting what she wants for dinner or not getting to have a sleepover. I also don't understand how a nine year old can behave like that in front of her friends. Or why she doesn't understand why my son does not like her anymore because she acts like that? She complains to her dad that "he (my son) only likes her sister and doesn't like her". Well???? Really? Can you blame him?

I feel bad for getting on my son about picking on her, but if she didn't act like that he wouldn't pick. This isn't a chicken and egg scenario either, he really wouldn't pick if she didn't act like that, I know because he doesn't start until she has a "freak out episode". He went through a brief period where he had a hard time resetting even if he hadn't seen her in days, he could "start fresh", but after talking to him (again, I feel like I'm putting it on him to be nice, to tip toe to avoid her episodes - like its his fault - I hate this feeling) he decided that he would intentionally reset himself everyday and give her a chance....but said he didn't think he could do it more then a couple times a day at most. I understand that and told him when he gets to "the point" he cant take it, to try and avoid her. Well, he's getting back to the being unable to reset thing again and while he still doesn't start anything with her until she starts acting like that, he instantly knows its coming and cant stand seeing her face anymore. Actually, I'm being unfair, now, sometimes he does start it, in a way, like he knows if he hears another "OMG, and then she said, OMG, and then I said" story, he'll puke so he will put up the hand or shush her from speaking. But what's really sad is he has nothing positive to say about her anymore. I'm getting there too.

Now, her father and I have completely different parenting styles. I feel I laid the groundwork early with my son, taught him the fundamentals, and while things arise now and again, he is not a behavior problem or even a challenge at all despite his ADHD. He's a good kid for the most part, we have a good relationship, he talks to me (which is terrific that a 13 year old talks to their parent) and in general I don't need to punish him for much these days. Most of the time, just a conversation about right and wrong does him well. This method would not work on her, she wasn't taught those fundamentals as a toddler/small child and thus behaves like a toddler/small child. She has no guilt, no self control what so ever. The younger one, we have had some influence on, which is great, because if she starts to get upset about something I can start a conversation with her and we can talk out/work out her issue before she loses it, she is learning good self regulation/self control/self contentment/self esteem. With the older girl, I'm at a loss.

She once was upset at my son for not wanting her to tag along with him and a neighborhood friend (this is her neighborhood, we just moved in this year), the friend is my sons age, actually a year older, but they just wanted to have what my son told her was "older kid time"...he was very nice and respectful about it. She flipped her lid, totally freaked out. We were out grocery shopping with the younger one and she was home with my son (the friend and my son were just hanging in his room). She called us 20 times yelling at her dad about the unfairness of it all, freaking out, crying. Meanwhile my son called me because he was concerned and didn't know what to do with her. We left the store and were home within 20 minutes. In that time she tore up and made a general mess in the living room. She was sitting in the LR crying and whining and screaming, just so the other people in the house knew of her anger. Keep in mind, there was company over, and she acted like this. Well, she wasn't in trouble. She didn't have to spend the day in her room, nothing, she was only forced to apologize to me (and I mean forced to say sorry - she didn't mean it) but that's it. I would have handled that differently, but I cant even fathom my son acting like that at that age. With a little one, (who normally would act like that) has a tantrum, you give them a time out/cooling off and talk to them after, and you make them understand the misbehavior not just "say sorry" but at her age - wtf?

Its starting to effect my relationship too. I feel stressed all the time, the weekdays are fine, but when Friday rolls around and I know I'm gonna have to listen to it or recluse to my sons bedroom (not mine because they all follow me in there) I feel like crap. I get mad at him for not fixing her, but what can he do when he only has her on the weekend? I hate this!!! Help?