what do I do?
Forums:
My wife and I have 2 children. Our oldest is a 7 year old girl from my previous marriage, and. A 2 year old girl from our marriage. My wife and oldest daughter do not get along, the butt heads constantly. My wife is threatening to leave because she says the our family is better off and doesn't want me to hate her if our 7 year old choses not to come visit because of her. We have a counselling appointment in sept, but she says she doesn't think there is any point and can't be fixed. She isn't happy, she feels bad that she feels that way. I don't know what to do, I just want to keep my family together. Help!
When your daughter and wife
When your daughter and wife have an issue arise- what do you do?
The issues usually arise when
The issues usually arise when my wife has asked my daughter not to do something, disciplined her. My daughter will try to come to me to rescue her. I renforce what my wife says and follow through. There have been times when I haven't and I have tried to change that. My wife does the same for me. Or if there is a situation when I am not there, I ll ask my wife what happened and talk to me daughter about it, and again try to renforce what she has said.
Does your daughter treat your
Does your daughter treat your wife rudely? Do you make sure to teach your daughter that it is not ok to be rude to adults?
Is your daughter jealous of your younger daughter, and what are you doing to help her cope with her feelings?
2 weeks with her dad and 2
2 weeks with her dad and 2 with me. She definately gets diciplined when she is rude, and we have taugt her how to talk nicely with people. I feel that my wife may take my daughter's rudness too personally, and gets hurt instead of understanding she is 7, giving her a consequence and teachering her then moving on.
The fact that you say the 7
The fact that you say the 7 y/o comes to visit makes me think your 7y/o has a mother and your wife isn't it. Unless your wife has adopted your oldest, your oldest isn't Her child. I wonder if she's somewhat unhappy because you have unrealistic expectations about what her role in your daughter's life should be.
How do you deal with your daughter when she's over? Who does most of the parenting? If your wife and your daughter have a problem,what do you do? What does your wife do?
The fact that she seems concerned that a 7y/o won't come visit because of her tells me something is really off in your family dynamic. First, it shouldn't be up to a 7 y/o if she's going to visit or not. She's 7. She's not old enough to make that choice. Secondly, your wife for some reason seems to think it would be her fault. Unless she's abusing this child, it's absolutely not. It could be the fault of the kid's mother if she's alienating your daughter from you or your wife. It could the fault of both yourself and your ex for giving a very young child far too much power in the family. Or it could be because your wife is the only one doing any actual parenting like discipline, enforcing bedtimes etc and is being made out to be the bad guy.
I'm not sure from your brief entry what the actual situation may be, but my observation is that most issues in stepfamilies come from vastly unrealistic expectations, guilty parenting or no parenting at all by the biological parents, and psychological warfare by the ex - Parental Alienation Syndrome. Much is fixable, some isn't. Totally depends on your situation.
like others have said, I
like others have said, I don't know the entirety of your situation but....
most of us here deal with stepkids and the situation that they bring with them due to crappy parenting of one or both parents.
I would venture to say that your wife feels the same way that many of us do.
Are you a disney dad?
Do you put your kid before your wife and other child?
Do you pretend it's a disney house every time your kid comes to visit?
Do you talk about your kid like she's the only kid in the world and craps glitter??
If your wife is ready to walk away from a marriage with you then there is a reason that she can't stand having your kid there and is willing to leave you in order to not deal with you and your kid.
For me it's the total and complete spoiling along with the total and complete lack of discipline and parental guidance.
I can't stand the lack of respect that is ok in my sd13'd life or how she treats people. Nor can I stand how my SO acts like she is the end all and be all of the world.
Maybe you should read some of the stories on here and see if you can identify your situation. Maybe that might help a bit.
Good luck, I'm sad that your marriage is in trouble over a child. But I think that only you can change this.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the replies.
First of this is a same sex marriage. Our custody arrangment is 2 weeks with her father and 2 weeks with me (bio mom). My wife and I have maybe attempted to blend our family too much if possible. I think we need to attempt to make different boundries with our 7 year old. She is diciplined mainly by me, and her time home is definately not "disney time". We have tried to have simular structure at her father's house as well as at our house. My wife seems to think that having her (my wife) around when my daughter doesn't like her will impact her decision when she is older on whether she chooses to live with us or her father.
Your daughter's mom may be
Your daughter's mom may be telling her she doesn't have to listen to your wife. This is called parental alienation syndrome. It's not healthy for your family (especially dd) and it's not ok. You need to go to Dr. Richard Warshak's site-google him-and buy some resources for yourself and dd (there's a great DVD for kids called "Welcome Back Pluto"). And you need to let your ex know you know what she's doing and it must stop.