Question about disengaging
I've read a lot of posts how after being disrespected and unappreciated, the SM pulls back and disengages and that it usually works nicely for the SM (which is great!)
My question is this. What If you were "involved" as per DH and Childs request...nothing is really going wrong...then u pull back? Then what?
This was something I thought about after reading the replies from my "hair" post.
It's an assembly line of girls for hair time. I do my two girls and sd is always right there waiting her turn. Because she's used to it! She knows I generally treat her like my own. Someone suggested that "daddy should always be doing her hair" ok...so next time I'm getting everyone ready- what EXACTLY would you say to SD?
"Sorry babe but I'm not doing ur hair anymore- get daddy to do it" ?! She would be so crushed! It would no longer feel familyish...it would be my kid ur kid thing. YES at the end of the day it's like that but we don't want the kids to feel that and at this point they feel like it's one big happy family which it generally is.
Just curious how someone would pull back and how to deal with the hurt from the child
*yhere are no problems, I'm not stressed and not trying to control anyone or anything. I have an abundance of free time today so I'm just asking qs to you experienced steps for curiousity purposes lol*
Just sayin!
^ty very much for clarifying
^ty very much for clarifying that, because that's not how I took it at all! But what you said makes perfect sense.
Thanks again lady!
In your case, I don't think
In your case, I don't think you doing her hair is a problem. She wants you to do it, you don't mind doing it, and the fact that you do all the girls' hair, yeah, she is going to notice and be hurt.
SM's usually disengage because the kid is being an ungrateful brat, or the spouse is.
People here can be over the top with, "Don't do anything for your step kid, let your spouse do it ALL". It's not the right answer for every situation and YOU get to decide if it is or isn't for yours.
My situation is exactly like
My situation is exactly like Dadswife above...We are dealing with adult jealousy/ hostility and there is nothing we can do to alleviate our situation.
It is different for you with younger children, you have to act reasonably. And, if your husband is acting in your defense and appreciates your efforts, of course you would not treat the child differently.
SD is 4 - you can't
SD is 4 - you can't disengage..... it's stupid to, she's not disrespecting you or swearing at you, she's simply saying Daddy always does my hair, you simply reply, yes Hon and he does a wonderful job, but he's busy right now so sit down and I will do it to help Daddy..... it's that easy.
SD is standing in line with your girls, so she not really bothered about you doing it for her lol, she's just trying to talk to you - start up conversation or something, the kid is 4 not 14....
However being disengaged myself, you can disengage but only from disciplining her and telling her to clean her room, if your daughters are picking up toys and cleaning, they should ask her to help them and sort of make it a fun game, you only supervise, if she refuses you simply wait till DH is home and you take it up with him, you tell him, Hon SD was very rude today she must have had a bad day, would you mind talking to her and finding out why she refused help picking up her toys? If DH does not do it it's the green card to take over on the next cleaning session, you simply say, SD move it, we all help in this house thus if you want to be part of this house you have to help with things, if not, you will not be allowed to play with the toys anymore - that's punishment and you stick to it, stuff DH... if he tells you you hate his kid, smile and say, no I hate the way you parent cause when I asked you to deal with it you ignored it, I will not... parenting involves teaching kids respect...
but remember, you and SD bumped heads about the toys, you will not allow her to play with it on the next visit, but you go ahead and do her hair and talk to her, like nothing major is happening... this way SD will learn quicker,
she will not hate you age 6 only age 8 }:) ..... SD will see even though you are punishing her, you still care enough to do her hair and you are still friendly