New here and oh so frustrated!
Hello everyone,
I'm grateful there's a place to vent and hopefully people can empathize. I'm usually a very sweet, kind, compassionate person. I'm a professional in a helping field. I love kids. Now, here's the "big but" I am having a horrible time accepting the behavior of my teenage step sons (15 & 17) and my husband. I've only been in the picture a little over two years (we were married this past June). BM is out of the picture so we have them all of the time. Some of my issues are:
1. They have the master bedroom because they have a lot of musical equipment (including drum kit) so we are in a tiny bedroom (the third bedroom is my husband's music studio)
2. They do and say anything they want (including going to a concert two hours away and staying at a friend's 25 year-old sister's house - but they're all just friends, so they say)
3. They don't do any chores
4. They're very rude to their father (calling him an idiot and stupid, for example)
5. The older son drives without his glasses and with friends in the car and lies about it
6. They often miss the toilet and pee ends up on the floor which they don't clean up
7. They have friends over all the time so I come home from work tired and there are loud teenagers everywhere EVERY DAY!
My dilemma is that I do not want to be the disciplinarian yet I can't stand living like this any longer. Is is wrong for me to feel and think this way? Should I just accept that this is how things are going to be? My husband is an educated, professional person who normally is assertive and in control (things I love about him). When it comes to his sons, however, he's a pushover. He seems afraid to talk to them about these concerns. We get into a fight every time I bring anything about about his kids. When I came home from a long day at work and band practice was going on, I almost left. I love my husband very much and I'm so glad I found him but this situation is almost intolerable! Thanks for any words of wisdom...
i like you have stepsons same
i like you have stepsons same age. my dh is wonderful and i love him very much, EXCEPT when it comes to his kids. he is also a pushover...my only words of encouragement is one year half the stress will be over, and 2 years after that the remaining stress should be over because they should be out of the house and off child support
this is what i keep telling myself and i hope to god it works!!!!
Thank you! It's good to know
Thank you! It's good to know I'm not alone. I get some comfort knowing they're almost grown up but I worry they won't ever leave. Who would leave such a sweet arrangement? I guess I don't have to worry about that right now. We're going to find a counselor and hopefully work out some of this stuff. He's too good to leave and is willing to change but it's very hard for him. I wonder if he thinks (maybe even sub-consciously) that they won't love him if he sets limits. Again, thanks for listening...
The sad part about I wonder
The sad part about I wonder if he thinks line - is that children crave discipline and structure they will tell you with every fiber of their being that they want no rules but when parents act like friends and give their kids everything they want it actually scares the children a little because as we all know friends especially high school ones are not there for you when it counts - A PARENT IS THERE WHEN IT COUNTS-
It was funny the other day my DD5 and I were talking about friends and friendship and she said to me "Mommy you are not my friend" and I said what do you mean and she said "You are my mommy and that is much better" see I feel that if my SS17 thinks I am cool then I am not doing my job - I am a parent first and foremost someday when the kids are adults and act like such then we can be friends until then - I am the one who corrects them, takes care of them and they know if for any reason they need anything I am there for them and that is really what a parent's job is - not to be a friend - my SS's BM is always calling him buddy and lets him be alone while she is off with the boyfriend and a lot of times he has knock down drag out screaming fights with her and if she acted like a mother then she would be treated as such but she would rather be a "friend and cool"!
i agree with the "they won't
i agree with the "they won't love him if he sets limits" i'd like to also add OR LIMITS WHAT COMES OUT OF THE WALET.....
i had high hopes for ss17 but he's thrown a curveball and thrown the brakes on with all the college talk. i'm still trying to get out of DH what happens with the kid if he doesn't go to school. my fear is he will move in with us - we had plans of making his room our family room with a big tv and new furniture - and this will now be ruined and his life as it is now will resume (no chores, rules, responsibilities. he will eb free to play with his legos and computer games all day) and Dh wont say shit to him about getting a full time job and he will pay rent adn he will provide his own food.
Allison what would happen if
Allison what would happen if you made a list of chores for each person to do and posted it on the fridge? I have a house full of boys. Just so you know, they all miss the toilet bowl at one point or another. However, SS18 is in charge of washing the bathroom, doing his laundry, taking out the garbage cans to the curb 2 times a week & cleaning his room. BS13 is in charge of vacuuming, emptying all the wastepaper baskets in the bedrooms & bathrooms and cleaning his room. I still do his laundry but have recently begun teaching him how to use the washing machine.
When either one of the boys doesn't do their chores they lose privileges. Plain & simple. DH has to back me up because we both work full time, we both commute, and we give the boys a pretty good life and we are trying to teach them responsibility. SS18 still has no job, but he knows that the car his dad promised him for graduating in June will NOT be purchased until he has a job. So we'll see what happens. SS18 also NEVER has friends over without asking ME first. It's just not allowed.
Great advice! I'm thinking up
Great advice! I'm thinking up chore lists at this very moment!
At least now I respect my
At least now I respect my parent's no-nonsense parenting style! Why can't these men just use a little common sense? I asked my husband if I could expect that we'd be able to have the master bedroom when the older son goes to college/moves out and it makes him so uncomfortable he doesn't want to talk about it. I guess my biggest fear is that he'll end up resenting me for standing up for myself.
At least I don't have step-daughters! I hear they're a lot worse!!
I wouldn't even ask such a
I wouldn't even ask such a question. When the older one leaves move the younger one to your room and that's THAT. Who the hell do these men think they are? Ladies...STAND YOUR GROUND AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!! I can understand them having the bigger room right now, but not after one leaves to college. Ask DH if he'd be willing to give up his music room to make your small room bigger by knocking down the walls. I bet he'd be horrified!
LOL! I have asked him that
LOL! I have asked him that and he was horrified! Thank you for the reminder that my happiness is important. I'm now feeling very empowered and am going to call a family meeting this weekend. I'm codependent as hell and need to stop thinking of everyone else's happiness instead of my own. Things are going to change!!
YES Allison! That's the
YES Allison! That's the spirit! This is YOUR house. YOU call the shots and whoever doesn't like it should get the F out! I'll be damned if I'm ever made to feel like a guest in my own home. I'll set that bitch on fire before that happens!
way to go! the kids dont
way to go! the kids dont care about our happiness so why should you care about theirs!!!
I just wouldn't put up with
I just wouldn't put up with it period! First Hell no would they get the master bedroom! Second if they can't clean up after themselves then dear daddy can, I'm no ones slave! Then if I got no respect from them they get nothing from me not even me acknowledging they exist! If my dh can't get it that his kids are not the adults then he can go out the door. I'm a firm believer that if your SO can't make his kids respect you (not like but respect) then he doesn't respect you either and the first sign of disrespect is that the kids have the master bedroom huge red flag to me!
I agree with purpledaisy
I agree with purpledaisy 100%.
Thanks Foxie! You're so
Thanks Foxie! You're so right!
Can I say "Hell no" really
Can I say "Hell no" really loud here. The master bedroom alone situation would have made me not even move in. Everything else would just be another issue I can't deal with. Cleaning lady for me works in the bathroom. I do not go in the boys bathroom. That is there for them, not me. My OCD would go into overdrive.
Just take your room back. NOW....
Do you not have a garage?
Do you not have a garage? That's an appropriate place to set up a drum kit, not the master bedroom.
As far as having friends over all the time. No. Simply NO. They need to ASK if they can have a friend over to YOUR home before they invite that friend over. And you can feel free to say "NO". It's one of the benefits to being an adult. One of few benefits, I should say. lol
ok, you driving them to do
ok, you driving them to do stuff will cause more conflict. i would say you need to be the princess of this situation. get a maid to clean and forbid them to use your restroom....
you have to find space of your own and something to do to pass the time. they are in your face, but they will leave soon (just not soon enough).
your husband is oblivious because that's how its been, he's just passing time too as easily as he can by ignoring all this bullshit.
good luck to you! choose your battles wisely and fight. tell husband the dealbreakers and tell him to fix it.
these are his kids, not yours. if they're losers, thats on him! at least you don't have to pay child support of 1200 for one kid that is a complete loser
Thanks for all of the good
Thanks for all of the good advice everyone. My husband and I had a HUGE fight Friday afternoon but after we calmed down, we worked out a plan of action. So far, so good. We'll see if any extra kids show up today....
I'm grateful there's a place
I'm grateful there's a place to vent and hopefully people can empathize. I'm usually a very sweet, kind, compassionate person.
I think this is how everyone starts out!! Sweet and compassionate; it's like a change in you - it is really strange; you become this angry, bitter person.
It sounds like your husband had given the free reign of the house; if you are both on the same page; then this is good!! That is my problem with my DH - he is on a diff planet when it comes to raising kids..(not saying I am always right)
Do you not have a garage??????
I would't go in with an iron fist; but rules are needed; big time. Sit down with your husband and talk; let him come up with some rules; if they aren't followed then start taking pieces of the equipment or what ever else they love. It may sound mean or childish; but since they are acting like brats; treat them like children. Sorry you have to go through this.........welcome!!!
Yes we have a garage but live
Yes we have a garage but live in a very cold climate so that's not an option. From now on, band practice and having friends over is by prior permission only. Yesterday, my ss asked if two friends could stop by for a few minutes. That's huge progress!! I'm pleasantly surprised by my husband's changed behavior. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. He's one man who, even though he resists like crazy, is willing to hear my concerns and make changes. I'm feeling so much better about things.
Sorry I lived up north and
Sorry I lived up north and the garage was where my late husband did his hobby. He dressed warm and got two space heaters. I did see new garage doors that insulate the garage as well as the house. We are considering for this house. And they get the tax credit. But, sorry they can go outside. I don't care what the temp is. Not in my house...good luck.