Is there any excuse that upsets your soul more than the "But I'm their mother/But I'm their father!" come-back.

I do not feel because you carried a child in your womb for 9 months or because your sperm found someone else's egg that it means anything! There are plenty of mothers who feel no emotional connection to their child or, in some cases, they only feel immense resentment. I have had about enough of the entitlement of some parents (mainly my step-kid's BM) and their belief the children should feel obligated to be a part of their lives. No matter what DH has said to her, BM always reponds with the age-old "I'm still their mother/But I'm their mother/I am the mother" or some version of it. I almost want to scream "So what? You gave birth to them and that has been it! What have you done besides that? You have neglected and abandoned them, given them false promises, disappeared with no contact for months at a time, chose drugs over them time and time again. The court system has failed - they gave you second, third, even one hundredth chances, and you still didn't want to change!" Biology is the least of what makes someone a parent. DH has been there since day one for the kids - he has always been involved in their lives. He raised them as a single father (practically) for a majority of their lives. And never once have I heard him use the excuse "I'm their father!" He just knew that being a parent meant making sacrifices and putting your children first at all times. He only says "I am their parent" because he knows anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot more to be a parent. A majority of women can be a mother, but that doesn't mean they are a parent.

BM has shifted blame from person to person and various reasons over years. At first, it was because her father died young. Then, it was because of her mother's poor parenting (which actually happened, but she was even still being enabled as an adult by her.) Then, it was because she got pregnant at 19 and wasn't ready (DH was only 22 at the time and turned his entire life around?). Then, it was because DH convinced her to try again for another child (things were going very well between them at this time, so why not?). Then, it was because DH moved them to Florida (he was trying to get her away from her enabling mother and all her drug friends, so this was for her benefit). Then, it was because DH moved them back to their hometown (she actually convinced him that she missed her family too much and was feeling suicidal). Then, it was because DH "worked too much" and "never spent time with her" (he was trying to provide for his family and was working THREE jobs). Then, it was because DH wasn't giving her enough "affection" (while she was sleeping with her drug dealer). Then, it was because DH never tried to "get her help" for her drug addiction (he took her to numerous detox centers and she would always give them an excuse why she had to leave). Then, it was because she never actually wanted children and she wanted to give their first son up for adoption (DH was adopted himself and didn't want to do that, which I find understandable). Then, it was the court system's fault for giving her more jail time instead of rehab (she went to rehab twice and still ended up in prison afterwards). Then, it was because DH kept the children from her while she was in rehab (he was not comfortable taking them to a rehab facility at such young ages). Then, it was DH's fault because he took her to court and got full custody/her visitation rights stripped (she failed to show up twice) and she "couldn't find a ride" (even though she was in town a week later with her friends from rehab). Then, it was DH's fault because he married me and we started living together and he was deliberately trying to "replace her" - she told him that he should have "waited for her" (but, he found a woman who was willing to step up and love his children like they were her own, so was is that much of an issue?) Then, it was because she moved back in with her mother and was unfairly kicked out (BM refused to pay half the bills or get a job). Then, it was because she moved in with her sister and was unfairly kicked out (the sister found heroin and needles in her bedroom). Then, it was because she moved in with her aunt and was unfairly kicked out (again, using drugs). Then, it was because her mother died (she was arrested exactly one month after the funeral - she also was angry at DH for not allowing the children to spend time with her afterwards - SS said he did not want to and SD was too upset and just wanted to go home - with me and DH). Then, it was because she got arrested for an outstanding warrant that she was "never told about" (months later, the story changed and she told SS that she "missed" her court date for it and "forgot" to re-schedule). Then, it was because she moved in with her mother's best friend and was unfairly kicked out (she was arrested for the FTA and shoplifting). Then, it was because DH didn't want to take her back and give her another chance and be a "family" again for the children (He had been dating/married to me for roughly 7 years at this point and I had been raising her kids). Then, it was because we "turned" SS against her (she was inviting him over with promises of drugs, alcohol and vape pens. He was only 15/16 at the time. Once we found out, he stopped speaking to her completely). Then, it was because she was doing a "good job" raising her boyfriend's son and that proves she is "ready to be a mother now" (firstly, I didn't know you could choose when you get to be a mother and also, the boyfriend's son has major behavioral and drug issues that are not being addressed). 

Now the only excuse she has is "Because I'm still their mother!" That is the one main thing she clings to - her womb held them, so she is owed something! She has not once taken any responsibility for anything she has done - the blame is on everyone else. All DH hears is "I'm sorry, but...." and "It wasn't my fault" and "I know I screwed up, but....." and "How long are you going to punish me?" Excuse after excuse. What could she possibly say to make up for anything? I don't even think one genuine "I'm sorry" would fix the slightest issue. Every time you point a finger, you have three pointing back at you. And before anyone accuses me of acting like I am perfect, I know that I am a flawed person. I have made mistakes in my life. But at least I can say my arrest record is squeaky clean - the only time I have been to court was to support DH during the custody hearing with BM. I abstain from drugs completely (when DH and I started dating, SS asked if I was into pills and that was his only worry). My kids never wondered where I was when they went to sleep and never had to wake up with me gone. I don't make excuses when I mess up - I will be the first to admit I was wrong and apologize and try to move on. And I can't even fathom using "I'm their mother!"