my SD wants special time with her dad away from the other kids, Is that fair to the other kids?
Sorry this is long but please read an help with suggestions. A lil background, I have 3 sons 15,13,11 from a prior 13 year marriage, and have primary custody. My husband has a 3 daughters, one 13year old from a one night stand, then other 2 are 10,6 years from a 8 year marriage. His oldest lives 4 hours away from us, and we see her as much as her schedule allows with her activies and school. The 2 from the 8 year marriage we have primary custody of as well as the boys. Here is my problem when my husband and I where dating we agreed on some major issues to make a blended family work and suceed really well. Our major goal is we treat them all the same. We thought this would show them that we loved them all the same and biological isn't a factor. Its very succesful for the 5 that live with us. But we recently found out that his oldest who is the only one that visits, thinks she should get special time away from the other kids with just her dad. So to fully explain the latest situation with her. Everytime she went home after a visit her mom would call, and have all these complaints, mind you she has always done this, but it started with her not thinking it was fair that the boys stayed out longer outside on the trampolie (when in truth we did make the younger 2 girls come in and take a bath, she just didnt want to stay outside without the other girls) Then she the complaints on the next visit where that my husband played with the boys too much (the boys and my husband have a common interest playing xbox online, they where playing some kinda war game online as a team against another team. It happend one night while she was here for a lil over a hour. So since then he doesn't play while she is here. But this coninued her mom calling saying her feelings where hurt and she want to spend time with just her dad. At first we thought we could handle it, just sneak her time without the other kids even noticing. So he goes alone to pick her up an drop her off so she gets like 5 hours every trip all alone with her dad. And he uses that time to talk to her. He has talked to her numerous times about what her mom is saying and she will say oh no mom is exaggerating, i understand, blah blah. We even added them stopping and having a nice sit down meal somewhere. (not driving thru Mcdonalds) So we began to think that it was all just her mom and she is actually fine. So that brings us to this summer. Her mom calls and said that she is doing all these activties this summer (this is the first summer her mom hasn't worked so now she said she has the time to put her in summer activities) so we could only get her one week this summer. intially my husband wasn't happy but we talked and i told him we knew there was gonna be a time that hanging out with friends would be more important to a teenage girl and its nothing personal. So I suggested we go up there and do our vacation with the family and she could be involved. I called her mom and got the best week according to her schedule. Well that conflicted with a week my husband had some deadlines at work, then 2 weeks one ofte girls broke her collar bone. But regardless of all this we where still gonna go (I did not want to cancel, I knew it would cause drama) so we intially where gonna stay 2 nights 3 days at this indoor waterpark. Then we found out it was gonna be 700.00 pr night for 2 rooms (downside of a large family) so with all the above mentioned we decided on one night. His daughter and mother freaked out said he was a bad dad, he didnt care to see her and spend time with her, we should leave the other kids home and come alone if money is a problem, that she wants her dad to take off work some when she comes visit, she wants to do things just him and her, and that she feelsike he dont love her, and they dont have a good relatioship etc.. mind this was all coming from her mom to my husband, so at first he didnt think it was coming from his daughter. I had to call her mom because they just kept fighting. So after discovering SHE LIES TO US AND DOES HAVE ISSUES, i told her mom, its not fair to the other kids, we wont do it. My husband and I think she is acting like a spoiled brat, and bin sefish, There is no way the other kids would understand why they have to stay home so he can tke her to movies etc.. Im afraid they will end up wanting special attention or hating there sister. Her mom told me she only cares about her feelins, I told her well im sorry I have to think about all the kids. I implied that she is being bratty and manipulative and she just defended her behvior, because there her feelings and she cant help her feelings. She says because the other kids see him pratically on a daily that she deserves and needs special time with him. Im at a lose. I dont want her feelings hurt or to feel unloved. But this will affect the other kids. I also dont like giving a child anything when they act bratty. But does anyone agree with them or have some advice?
Why can't you have different
Why can't you have different outings with different kids. I do things with my son and my DH does individual things with his kids and with mine. I believe they need it to have a strong relationship. I am taking BS15 to Chicago in a week by ourselves. As long as you have trips all together, I don't see anything wrong with the kids having individual time with their bio parents.
We don't emphasis bio to
We don't emphasis bio to them. We emphasis family. It just seems to go against on what works for everyone but her. Even with sneaking in the private meals, and drive time for her, its not enuff. When it was just me and the boys I never seperated them with private time. They have brothers so we did family activities. For example none of my friends that have non blended families they dont seperate there kids, they r family and do family thing. To me it brings back attention that we are not all bio.
I can certainly understand
I can certainly understand your need to makes things fair for all the children involved, but the fact is that SD isn't in the same situation as the other kids. She does deserve additional one-on-one time with DH on a regular basis.
However, vacations are a big expense for some families. (At least they are for mine. In the 16 years that I have been with DH, we have taken only 5 vacations - one was an indoor waterpark this year.) So I don't think it's fair for any of the children to miss out on a family vacation. That doesn't preclude DH from doing something special with just SD some other time. But it wouldn't be fair to the other kids to take only SD to the waterpark.
It sucks that BM wants to equate money with love (my BM did that too, always told SS that "Daddy doesn't care" when DH couldn't afford some of the extras). Although it seems obvious that you and your DH both care about SD. Just keep being the good parents that you are and hopefully SD will grow up to know just how much you did for her.
I think one thing I forget to
I think one thing I forget to mention, is I told her if its possible to arrange the other kids to stay at xes a extra day when she comes, I will. But Im not getting rid of the other kids so she can get alone time. Im not hurting there feelings. Nor is he gonna tell the other kids,im taking her for special time, my other 2 sd would so get there feelings hurt. They miss there sister and would not understand. Especially the 6 year old would not get it.
I agree that she should have
I agree that she should have some individual time. The rest of the children get to see him all the time. Why can't they just have a daddy/daughter day during the time she is visiting?
How much does DH actually see
How much does DH actually see her? If its every weekend or every other weekend, I don't agree that they need alone time every visit. If he sees her once a year, thats different, they should spend some alone time together. I think it depends on how much he really does see her.
one weekend a month unless
one weekend a month unless its a month with a holiday then it could be ext 4-7 days. Then the whole summer. Except this one.
I think it sounds like you
I think it sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to give her some extra one-on-one time with dad. I find the car time is great to connect with my kids, we have a 1/2 commute each day. And a nice dinner each trip is something special for them. I'm sure that's not always an option with a family that large.
It sounds very much like my sd's interactions (oh I mean sd's interactions via BM). BM calls an communicates all of SD's complaints.
I finally told DH that if sd has problems with what is happening in our home she needs to work with him and tell him and/or I. Her mother can not help what happens here. She needs to learn to solve her own relationship issues. She needs to learn to communicate. BM can not always be the one to do that for her.
It also sounds to me like SD is used to being any only child (not even sure if she is one) and is manipulating her father.
If she is missing out on her father's time maybe now is the time for her to ask her parents to increase the visitation more.
That was our thinking with
That was our thinking with cutting the summer down to one week, it did NOT make sense. She was only child to her mom for 9 years. She is very manipulative, she gets the other sd's in trouble and they get upset and say we told her no. Another on her personlity, her mom has her in acting because she likes attention from everyone..and if your not centered on her when she is in room, she pouts. I just don't know ho much more individual attention he should give her, because she isn't a only child and needs to accept it.
For me, the point would be to
For me, the point would be to make her feel like a part of the family, and to not interrupt normal family life when she comes to visit. If she does not want to be a part of the family, then perhaps different arrangements for visitation need to be made in which she and her father spend a day or so a month doing things just the two of them.
Tg8plus1 I think you and your
Tg8plus1
I think you and your husband are handeling it right. NO WAY would i give her EXTRA anything... life is what it is She lives with her mother and enjoys a very different lifestyle then her step siblings. Is this girls Bio mom going fork out the extra cash to even the score for the other kids to do "SPEICAL" one on one time with their dad? Her Bio mom has no idea how a family dynamic works when there is more then one child to cater to. I am also a blended Family and my step daughter who I love dearly doesnt get to live with me full time either and she tried to pull the sob story of well your bio kids get you all the time when I am here I should get SPECIAL one on one time. I told her point blank that it wasnt going to happen. Making the other kids feel bad so she could feel special was not the answer to making her feel loved and would only make her more seperate from us and cause more problems in the long run. Being that she was an only child she is quite used to the world revolving around her...quite frankly it did. She never had to wait for or share time with a parent or toy or whatever. Which I am not saying is anyones fault... it is just the way it worked out. That being said she too is 13 and often is very dramatic .. I think that is just her age. she will grow out of wanting all the attenion. She does each time she participates in our family group. Since I said No to her unrealistics demands she seems to feel more settled her when she is with us. I put it to her this way. I explained how that she may feel like she was getting the short end of the stick but she LIKE the rest of the kids was not getting any special attention. That when she is with us she is very much part of our family and I am proud for her to be involved in our family with all the SAME rights and privledges as the rest of us. I tried to encourage her to be more confident in the fact that she is the same in our eyes... NOT MORE SPECIAL... She wasnt happy about this at first she doesnt like to be told no... nor does any kid but she is starting to understand that by NOT having the SPECIAL time she thinks she needs she is learning to particpate in our family group and feels accepted in our group, which i think is what she looks for ( that sense of belonging even if they dont all share the same birth parents). Take heart I am sure that your relationship will improve with her as she matures... cant say the same for her bio mom.. Her bio mom should think about what she is teachering her daughter in terms of life skills . because to me it sounds like she is teaching her daughter the she is more special then your other children and that she is some how more deserving of her fathers love then the other kids( which is her moms insecurities or anger of whatever not her daughters) I dont think that sets her daughter up for anything but hurt feelings and for you guys to fail as parents. You and your husband need to stick to your guns.. visitation is a two way street... If she wants more time to see her dad then she needs to cut back on the activites. And if the bio mom is so worried about him seeing her then she can foot half of the hotel cost for the trip up to see her... and be thankful that her daughter has a father who loves her... best of luck stay strong.
Thank you, your story is
Thank you, your story is pretty much the same as what we r going thru, we told her the same thing,that we just see her as part of the family, and we shouldnt have to prove our love. Her bio mom validatesto her that she deserves special. To me her bio mom is teaching her to be selfish. We plan to stick to it.
Something is going on because
Something is going on because I agree with Blended Fam. OMG! This is the most important relationship that a girl has. He should spend some one on one time with her. I am all for quick weekend away memories for our kids. What harm is it. She doesn't have her Dad very often. I really don't think it is too much to ask. Trips in the car are nice, but they don't create memories for her.
Yes! I actually LOVE when H
Yes!
I actually LOVE when H decides to spend quality ONE-ON-ONE with SD stb 12 because that means everyone is happy: H gets quality time with his daughter, SD gets quality time with her dad, my BSs and I get quality mother-son time together, I get to NOT have to "pretend" like we are "one big happy Brady Bunch family" with SD around for a change. All GOOD things in my book!
What my H has started doing when he takes SD home now is he makes an entire day of it. Instead of just talking on the drive home and a meal (my H does this too!) maybe they should leave in the morning and then they can go to the movies or to the mall - that is what my H does with SD and I think it is GREAT! I think if you do it that way it also might be less likely to impact the other children as much because they are already used to you H spending time with SD alone when he takes her home.
(BTW - My H's SD also lived 4-5 hr roundtrip away from us too for about a year, but H STILL kept up his EOW visits with her and we ALWAYS allowed that to be just H's time with SD and that worked for everyone!)
I still have 2 other sd's
I still have 2 other sd's home. My bs's would not be alone with me. Thats what im getting at. The other kids don't get this private bio time. It would be a huge pain in the ass to try to achieve that with 6 kids. Time, money, work, finishing a degree plus we r expecting our 1st bio child. Its just overstretching and creating problems when the other 5 are HAPPY! and not asking for changes.
I am on the other end of this
I am on the other end of this one ...
My BD11 only gets to see her Dad on school breaks (xmas, spring & most of summer) He lives out of state and in his family there are 5 kids total including my BD. With the shorter visits my daughter comes home complaining of not seeing daddy much. One thing you have to understand is that it is super hard & unfair that other kids get to have HER daddy all the time! (i also have this issue with my SD11 during the school year) I fully understand your situation as my daughters SM goes thru the same thing and we try to find common ground to make sure all is fair. SM tries to make sure everyone is treated the same (which is good) but it is hard on my BD. When BD is there - SM says everything was fine. When BD comes home - she complains. I tell her that she needs to talk to her Dad & she doesn't. I finally had to sit down & mediate the two so they could/would communicate. Anyways - i think that special time is important if she will only be there a week, however i would not agree to a pecial trip (ie: disneyland). I think the time is important at her age & for their relationship. I would say that half the time should be with her Dad (if only there a week) and the other half with the family. I would not treat her any different nor would i take her to disneyland w/o the family. With her seeing him once a month (i think you said) I think one of those days should be just the two of them (unless a family camping trip is planned). Her relationship with him with highly affect her adulthood/dating. Like i said - i understand where you are coming from but being on the other end - it breaks my heart to see my daughter sad.
I"m sorry I just can't buy
I"m sorry I just can't buy into that. Relationships aren't built on quantity, but rather on quality. If a child is being treated as an equal part of a family and getting positive involvement then a solid relationship can be built. Family dynamics and people's sitatations change all the time, most notable with divorce. You have to make the best of what you have, you can't bend everyone else's life to suit one child.
I have friendships and grandparents that I have managed to foster very satisfying relationships with without being the center of of attention or receiving special or additional time. I think a child should be encouraged to embrace having more family instead of focusing on what they are missing.
i guess i should add ... I am
i guess i should add ...
I am meaning that maybe your DH could take SD to the park or river or something (free) for just a few hrs of alone time .. so you are not overwhelmed with the rest of the clan and SD could have a little bit of Daddy time. Not him being gone all day or overnight. Or even if he runs to the store - she can go.
Thanks! You are helping me to
Thanks! You are helping me to learn also!
I know that things have gotten better with time at the ex's household. I do know that when my ex buys something for BD11 and not for the other kids that they have issues with that (that's a given) and he has gotten better with that. My daughter has also gotten better with it also. I just feel so bad when she is sad. I do know that it is hard for a little girl to share her Dad -- i think it will take time. I am not sure if ex does things alone with BD. I just think it's harder with the short visits. In my own home - BF has Skids half the time & SD11 complains that she doesn't get enough daddy and then he sometimes caters to it and then SS14 and my BD11 is irked because it is not fair. SD11 gets little special things from BF & it is unfair. But at the same time (since there are only 3) we do occasionally have "dates" with eachother. That is usually a case of different interests ;-}
I guess I always had to share
I guess I always had to share my dad so I don't expect otherwise and my children are used to it also. Everyone hates to see their child sad. I just think it's better to enlighten the child on the positives of the situation as opposed to trying to fix something that can't be fixed.
There are many times I spend time alone with my son due to his sports or other interests as well as time my daughter and I choose to do things that dont interest the 'boys'. But I discourage them from trying to manipulate or complain to seek out that kind of one on one attention.
And I have a lot of sympathy for children who are long distance from a parent. It can't be easy.
Ok first keep in mind she is
Ok first keep in mind she is getting alone time with him. They stop for a meal on way here and way back. and its a 2 hr 30 minute drive to there halfway meeting place.
With her bm reasoning of time I could say well she has known him for 13 years and the boys only 2 so they should get more time. I mean both are a load of crap and childish.
Im sure each kid make some argument why they should get more time. kids get sad anytime they dont get what they want, but they get over it, they need to learn, life is not always they way you want. You cant go thru life at all without thinking of other people.
My oldest has made comments that its not fair the girls have always had a good dad, so because his bf was not attentive, does that make some sort of excption. I THINK NOT!
My youngest had a horrible time sharing me with sd age 6, but I didn't push her way because it made him sad ( and hell yeah it broke my heart) but he had to learn, he had to share me with the girls just like he did with his brothers, and that they where his sisters now, and we are a family, and love them all. To change this for sd #1 would competly dicredit everything i built with the other kids. They accept each other now, the girls share there bd and boys share me and dont even think about anymore.
Maybe if her bm could support what we are trying to do it would help. Instead she tells me she dont care if sh has a relatioship with her half sisters. She is not even considering how it may make the other 5 feel.
I DO get what you're saying
I DO get what you're saying here. I don't think I've ever had 5 full hours to spend with BS6 since BS1 was born. I guess maybe that's not something that happens often with children in the home, so why treat children outside of the home like they are somehow more special simply because they don't get to see Dad everyday.
Actually, as I mentioned before, I have my own reasons for finding H's 1-1 time with SD appealing, but my H has used this same argument as his reason why he does NOT want to discipline SD and why he gives SD special treatment on her visitation weekends and THAT is NOT ACCEPTABLE to me at all! Like I told him, no, it's not SD's fault that she doesn't have her Daddy in her home everyday but it's not my BSs' fault SD doesn't have that either. She is NOT somehow more "deserving" of disciplinary exceptions for that reason, & it's CERTAINLY is NOT fair to my BSs that do NOT get any exceptions based on something that NONE of us had a choice in except H & SD's BM and they established that as the status quo BEFORE SD was even born!
I have a SS15 and BS 9 and
I have a SS15 and BS 9 and 11. My SO and I have been together since 2001 and have always treated our clan like a family...not two individual families living together. Recently, BM is saying that SS also needs more alone time with SO. It's ridiculous because we ALL spend time together. SS is saying that I'm mean to him and that I make faces (I'm not 5) and that I don't talk to him. So, BM calls SO and complains that I'm a horrible person. SO wants nothing more than to make SS happy, so he believes him and blames me. SS can be a brat all he wants behind his dad's back, but when dad is there, he's quiet and and angel. It's quite a show...wish you could all see it. He lies constantly and gets caught, but SO just lectures for about 2 minutes then he's on his merry way. He never loses anything like use of his iPod or going to a social function or anything. I'm at my wits end.
eek! He sounds like my 12
eek! He sounds like my 12 year old ss. He is sooo manipulative. He did not spend much time with either of his parents when he was younger-the majority of time was with me. He was able to hold it together for his parents-but was a terror for me. The more trouble he got in the more my own dh, the bm looked to me-especially with poor pitiful ss making up stories about me.
Okk this is tough. I think
Okk this is tough. I think the drive and the meal are quite nice ideas. The 5 plus hours is significant chunk of time. all together my dh and I have 4 kids-its hard for him-as he is only here on w/e's too to get invidual time with any of the kiddos. But since he sees the 3 kids in our home every w/e and ss only eow I am more than ok with him picking him up on his own-3 hour round trip-they often stop for fast food, stop at the store, w/e. I guess they may not be "making memories" for some people but that is the stuff of ordinary family life. I might also suggest that when she's there dh spend 15 min or so each day just checking in with her. The other kids might not even notice the 15 minutes, but if they do I think they can grasp that it is ok for a parent to spend 15 minutes of one on one with a kid. After she leaves he can make sure that he gets that in with each kid every once in awhile!
I have to basically beg for
I have to basically beg for DH to do things with just SD! Every now and then, I love just to take BS to the library, to lunch, to a movie...just anything without the DH and SD. DH believes since we have BS all the time I shouldnt want any time with him just Mom and Son... perhaps I get tired of always having DH with us and then DH and SD every other week.
Today, we actually had a Mom and Son day... granted it was to the barber and the dentist, but we had some time just he and I... and it was nice! No DH saying things to him, No SD being loud and annoying. And honestly I thought, wow this is what it would be like if DH and SD were never around.
Anyway, I personally like DH and SD getting out and doing things together since I want the same with BS. DH is the one that doesnt want to go anywhere with SD alone due to her being rotten half the time.
BM used to buy gift cards for DH on fathers day and his birthday, to the book store and coffee shop that said things like "Daddy and Daughter Time" or "Daddy and Me Time"... made me want to throw up! I was like man if you want to go somewhere with just your daughter PLEASE dont let me hold you back... and I can even open the front door, fasten your seat belt and start the car for you if you need me too.
But we dont have the distance issue either so it is hard to gauge how I would take that scenario... totally different than how things are here.
Sounds like what i posted!
Sounds like what i posted!
I think the drive and a meal
I think the drive and a meal and/or one private excursion is ok. (like say he had to run to the grocery store, mahbehe could take her only.) but she also has to realize she has 2 half-sisters that she should get to know. As well as understand that you and her stepsibs are also part of her family. Part of visiting is spending time as a family- whatever kind of family that may be. If she doesn't like it- oh well. In this part of her family she has other brothers and sisters.
Tg8plus1, I completely agree
Tg8plus1,
I completely agree with you.
Unfortunately it is hard for a child to understand, however, she or BM is demanding that SD receives special treatment. The way I see it, is she already receives that. She has her Mom on a one on one basis, does she not? All of your children do not have their Mom or their Dad in that scenario.
I go through similar things with my skids that come to visit. My view is this...I am sorry that your Dad is also Dad to other children. In this home you are one of those other children. You are not an only child, and will not be treated as such.
I have a XSD from a previous relationship. I raised her as my own for 13 years, while her father and I was married. Her mother died when XSD was only 2, and XH, at the point gained full custody from the grandparents, brought her home to me, and set her in my lap. However for the next 13 years, anytime she was struggling with something, or failing school, or complaining of rules, her father never enforced it. If she wanted special treatment, she got it, all under the excuse her Mother died. Her dad, her maternal grandparents, and her paternal grandparents, all caved to this girls demand for anything and everything, due to the "circumstance", even though she was being raised in a 2 parent home, and treated equally as my child, I was never able to place any true rules on her. My XH and I divorced when she was 15. He wouldn't allow her to live with me, and kept her with him.
Now, I am not heartless, and I do feel horrible for the girl losing her Mom at such a young age, however it doesn't give you a get out of jail free card. The rules still apply.
Here we are 4 years later, after she went with her Dad, and she is now 19. She has been arrested for stealing, that her Daddy bailed her out of. She has a 2 year old son, and just had a 2 month old son with Down Syndrome. She does not work. Is basically single, and the crackhead BF who is the father of the first baby, may or may not be the father of the 2nd. My XH still keeps paying her way, she is dressed to the nines, drops her kids off to whoever, whenever, to go party, and has yet to figure out that in life there are consequences.
I am lucky to get 75% of the court ordered child support from this XH to care for our 3 children together, because he is always paying or bailing out the XSD.
I am not saying this is the norm, and it sounds like you and your guy are doing an awesome job working together at raising your family together.
I simply tell you this story, to support why I say absolutely not. SD is already getting special time in the drive, and lunch/dinner that she gets during pick up/drop off. I feel that if the rules of your house, says all children are treated fairly/equally and all family time is together time, then that is how it remains. Its called life. Life with Mom, is different then life with Dad. However life with Dad and SM is consistent in Dads home as with all the other children that live there. Just my 2 cents.
I love blendedfam's
I love blendedfam's suggestion.
How about a lunch or special daddy daughter date? I guess I don't understand...
I am in the same situation as you...SD11, live a thousand miles away, she is not easy for me to like, only comes for a week now (due to activities) she has 2 siblings who see their dad all the time, and there would be no problem with her being alone with dad for a few hours.
I know she feels excluded. Not our fault, her mom took her away. But those are her circumstances and she will have to start putting herself out there to be part of the family b/c we have done all we can do. However, a special dress-up date for daddy and daughter is not a terrible idea. DD4 gets his full attention all the time.