I want this one so I can print it out for DH.

1) dads and their guilt with their children after divorce and.2)particularly the daughters of these dads. I know SS can definitely cause sum issues but these SD and SDIL and exSD , all seem to carry some heavy venom and "daddy" seems particularly vexed at acknowledging or doing anything to rectify their behavior at any age.

I know my daughter accepted my ex gf very easily. The ex gf's kids were really pains and one of them never accepted me. My ex wife's husband has two kids (one of whom has a problem with everyone) but the other I think accepts her.

I too would be interested in seeing some of the studies because I am not giving up on life -- and if I meet the right lady then she too will be a step mother and I would like it if she had some of the qualities of some of the ladies on this site!

Kevin

I often wonder why step dads were accepted more so than step moms. My step dad was considered the authority in our house and we never questioned him. When my biofather married a woman with 3 daughters, none of them accepted him; he got the old "you're not my dad I don't have to listen to you" routine. Although I have not been in touch with my biodad for several years, I did not have a problem with his wife, in fact, she was very nice to me. I think it was because as a child I was raised to respect adults and not talk back to them.

By and far what I have seen suggests step moms are reviled by their partners' children when these step moms just want a peaceful coexistence. There are some bad step moms just as there are bad bio moms, but I think kids will be loyal to their moms regardless of how bad they are. Being nice to step mom equates to being disloyal to bio mom.

I would be interested in a general study comparing just why step moms are hated so much vs step dads being accepted.

It's got to be the dynamics of father/daughter relationships. I gained 2 SD's & 2 SS all teenagers. BM not EVER involved, but had to deal with a very VERY involved MIL. Both SD's very manipalitive, dishonest, and just plain mean. The SS's on the other hand aren't perfect but the issues we've had with them I figure to be normal teenage issues. Both SD's have made it very clear they would do anything to break us up.....Why they feel the way they do is a mystery...I don't think they even know why they feel the way they do, hence the counseling that has been required for the family.

I wonder if it's because most of the BF's don't have much to do with the kids (as in my case) but the BM's are usually still involved. In fact, you could say anything you want to about my BF & I frankly wouldn't care. You'd probably know him better than I do. But even when I was fighting with my mom, I was very protective of her towards strangers. Maybe because she was the one there to raise me & made all the sacrifices for me.

Then again, maybe it's just society, which reveres mothers & tells us that real fathers aren't really needed. I knew somebody who gave up custody of his child when they got a divorce because his daughter "belonged with her mother" despite the fact she was a drughead. (Don't worry, she's with her father & his parents now)

It's interesting. Is there a link?

I think the root cause is the dh. If he is going to parent by guilt or worse - not at all and not back up the sm and expect respect for her why should the daughters respect the sm? Throw in the biomom who encourages the daughters not to respect the sm, and dh not standing up to the bms abuse and you have the perfect storm. Ive lived through this and I dont understand why a father would expect his daughters to respect teachers, clergy and other authoritive figures but not the stepmother. Somehow when you become a stepmom it is open season for criticism and disrespect and its encouraged either directly or indirectly by all.

Im not saying that dh is mean and did this intentionally but when your whole focus is on the girls being happy... they suddenly realize they have more power than they should have and will use it to manipulate their dads to get whatever they want. Then dad puts himself in the place of not being a parent at all but more of a wallet. In his quest to make them happy the girls actually rapidly loose respect for their dad and the totally vulnerable, undefended sm becomes a target for all the hate and blame.

With my kids I have enforced respect from day 1 - not that they wouldnt have respected my dh - but they have been raised to show respect to all adults - even the crazy bm.

Ive often wondered in fairy tales with evil stepmothers- if they included a prologue at the beginning of the stories that the stepmothers began as loving thoughtful parents but through circumstance became resentful.

I really don't believe it has much to do with the fact the parent is the father (bio or step) or the mother (bio or step) and might have more to do with the breakdown of society. The last several years I have seen more and more people just expecting other people to handle their problems and blaming those problems on other people -- I got 14 speeding tickets in two years? Dang, those cops are mean!

Credit cards -- someone takes out 19 credit cards with balances of $80k and can't make the payments because the interest is 38%? Must be the credit card companies fault.

Adjustable rate mortgage? Well we really wanted that $200k house and could only afford the interest only payment? Why are they now wanting principal payments? They lied to me, even though I signed a written contract!

I got three women pregnant in 5 years? Now they want child support? You have to be kidding me!

Sasha made an interesting comment about being raised to respect others (and yourself.

Perhaps its the fact that some of us have been raised with morals and values -- then we run into a situation where exs or SD/SS act in a manner that is unacceptable. Yell at an adult? No, that was not the way I was raised. Throw things and tear them up? No, I was not raised that way. Get into screaming arguments with your ex spouse or their new SO? No, I wasn't raised that way either.

Yet, that seens the way our society is encouraging people to be -- Lindsay Lohan; Brittney Spears; Kim Kardashian; OJ Simpson; Paris Hilton -- those are our role models for a lot of young people today. Partying; drinking; doing drugs; being bad parents? Its all okay because we all have that kind of money, right?

My situation was that I just couldn't accept as a co parent someone who claimed to love their childrne and wanted to raise them to be polite to others, but 3-4 hour screaming fits; stealing money; running away; and lying about others was acceptable. They were not evil kids -- they needed help; care; attention; love and a different parenting style.

Their actions were mainly directed at me -- was I an Evil Stepfather?

Probably to them I was and am. To my ex girlfriend I am sure I was an evil bastard who walked out on her and her kids -- not giving them enough money, even though I gave them way more monetary support than their real father. I was there to pick them up after school when she was in class. Yet, her ex hsuband would go deer hunting and not see his own twin children for 2-3 months at a time.

We often become the bad person when we go against the grain -- when we choose a different course. If people can scream at each other on television, why can't they do it at home? If you tear up something on television, its fixed by the next television episode so why isn't that the way it is in real life?

We may be evil and bad because we are trying to do the best things for our signficant others/spouses and the step kids that we do love -- often society has twisted them so that people cannot love in return (in a healthy way).

If that makes me evil, well then there is a long line forming to the left. I won't lose sleep and I will respect myself in the morning.

I don't think its male or female. I don't think its bio vs step -- I think some people are just being raised very badly and its showing in society. People don't respect others or themselves.

Me, I am who I am and if you don't like it pffffbbbbtttttttttt.

Kevin

I wanted to respond to what you said last night but I was just too dang tired after working all evening. In any event, you touched on some very valid, important points.

I agree whole heartedly about the breakdown of society being a root cause for today's woes. I will probably draw some fire for what I am going to say, but what the heck, no one knows me anyways. Keep in mind that these are blanket statements and do not apply to everyone.

I truly believe that our problems started in the late 60's / early 70's. This nation was witness to the "free love" movement and the rise of feminism. Our society developed the idea of "if it feels good, do it" mentality. People just did what they wanted without consideration of how it would affect them or anyone around them. The feminist agenda convinced women that they could do it all, have it all, including having a family and relegated dad to the position of sperm donor and / or checkbook. Dads have slowly and systematically been marginalized, no longer considered "head" of the household but now portrayed as the family doofus who sits on the couch drinking beer, scratching his crotch and farting. Mom is now the queen of the house and dad's opinions no longer count. Many men have effectively deferred their parenting role to mom. The feminist movement was supposed to band women together for a common cause but instead it has placed women in direct competition with each other (witness the never-ending power struggles between BM and SM). Both of these women want to be king of their domain, and dad now has no clue how to parent.

Another root cause in my belief is that children are over-indulged. When I was young we were raised in the "children should be seen and not heard" line of thinking. Parents today cater too much to their child's every whim...soccer practice, band practice, dance classes, and the list goes on ad nauseum. Not to say that there is anything inherently wrong with kids participating in these events because they go a long way in developing social skills they need, but parents need to learn how to draw the line at some point. Children today are considered the center of the family and everything is done for them. I believe the way it should be is that the parents are the center and the kids are an extension of the parents. The decisions the parents make should be in the best interest of the entire family, not just the kids. You don't roll over and let your kids do or have anything they want just because they want it. Sometimes the answer has to be NO and kids have to learn to respect that. A lot of kids today don't have that respect for their parents or any other authority figure, and the backlash can be significant. I was just reading this morning where a kid was arrested for arranging a hit man to kill his mom and step dad because he had his play station and TV privileges taken away from him. I never once dreamed of harming my parents because I was punished!

There is also too much social indoctrination aimed at kids in the school system. Many issues that should be decided by the parents are now decided by the schools. Kids are told that if their parents spank them they can report their parents to the police. Now parents can't even discipline their children as they see fit (I'm not talking about beatings, but a little spanking never hurt anyone...I am living proof). You can't bring cupcakes to school but it's okay for the school to hand out birth control without the parent's knowledge. I could go on, but I think you get my drift.

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the "Leave it to Beaver" days when the only responsibility kids had was to go to school to get an education, where they expected nothing but was happy if they actually got something, where TV was a treat and not an expectation. A lot of things have changed for the better, but by the same token, a lot of things have also become worse.

with my now ex BF, that his girls accepted mom living with her BF, but they could not accept as easily his having a GF and wanting me to spend time with them together. BM moved them in with her BF right away after my ex BF quit paying mortgage. There was some difficulty at first with the older girl, but BM did not waiver and stayed with her BF and kept girls in his house with his kid. But when it comes to their 'daddy' well, daddy is wrong to want his GF to spend the night and they complained about 'no alone time with daddy' that I was always around. Not so, I maybe would be there once out of a weekend, either for dinner or movie or something with all of them. But they lived in BM's BF's house with his kid. they all vacationed together, so I don't think was a lot of alone time with BM, but then that's okay. I think when it comes to girls, they just want to keep their daddy's to themselves. They are jealous if daddy has another female in his life. And maybe it is the same with son's and mom's, maybe they are jealous when mom has another man in her life. But daddy's need to learn that the princesses won't be around forever, and need to live their lives too. Okay, Okay...do I sound bitter? You bet I am. But I do agree with Kevin about how we are raising our kids these days, with no respect for adults or others, or others things. And I agree with Steve too.

Hanny

I think a lot of it comes down to plain ol' respect. My DH NEVER let the kids disrespect him, myself, or any other adult. As a result, we have a good relationship with each of the kids, and come to us when needing a place to stay, still come for dinner, and just plain family support.

On the other hand, unfortunately, they can't stand SD. Now, not that he's perfect, because he's not, but BM doesn't respect SD, and I think it carried to the kids. She has belittled him in front of the kids for years, and taught them that they don't have to listen to him, abide by his rules or worry about his punishments. Now, it boggles my mind the way they talk to both their BM and SD. And I can't tell you how many times I've heard, do you talk to your father that way? Do you do (this or that) to your father??? Uh no - because Hubby never stood for it.

If the norm is non-acceptance for the SM then I thank my lucky stars that I'm an acception to the rule.

My ex gf thought I was a big bastard for thinking her kids shouldn't scream at adults; break things; steal money; throw 3-4 hour temper tantrums; etc. While my ex wife and I are raising our daughter to respect adults and behave responsibly (oh she is spoiled rotten though)...

Guess I am pretty awful. Someone kick me quick!

Kevin

I'll just kick myself and pretend yall did it for me!

BTW, did you know that the Chinese character for trouble is "two women under one roof"? Just thought I'd add that little truism to the pot.

I am the patient, tolerant, easy going, working mom who runs the household that everyone here hates for the destruction of societal values....somehow I messed up though...every teacher, church member and most of the family members think I have decent respectful children....well almost everyone...Steve thinks they're brats---lol
Lisa Dawn

My parents always told me that I was supposed to act the same way regardless of where I was at.

With the Ex gf's kids they acted okay at school -- it was at home or when mom and dad were present....

My daughter pretty much acts the same, although I will admit to being too lenient of a parent.

Kevin

My son has faster acceptance to my B.F then his children had to me,
B.M fills SK heads with alot of crap,while us women who end up with these men with children promote good relationship with our new men.

My man went through the whole guilt thing( BAD), to the point he felt guilty about tring tobe a father figure to my son( its worked out now) but it was pure hell.
I feel B.M play a VERY big role in behavior

" This is not the life I ordered".