It is going to be rough. While other people are enjoying themselves my marriage is ending.
They are moving out on December 28. Right now I am processing various emotions. I oscillate between sadness and relief. I have hope for the future but since I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my spouse, I now am embarking on an unknown adventure. I do worry about being old and alone. I am 53 so I do have some more time yet I sure didn't think I would be my age and having to "start over". I really can't see myself getting back into the dating world for quite some time and maybe never. That is because I feel that in the last 20 years have made some bad choices in people I fall in love with. This is my third marriage. Yes. I am a bit cynical but also protective of myself. I need peace and tranquility now and that does not come from an another person.
My biggest worry is to lapse into total despair. My spouse, I thought, was the love I have been waiting for all my life. The loss of that dream, which honestly I have been grieving for the better part of 2 years now, is devastating. The sobering reality however is that this person treated me very badly. Even more sobering is the fact that I let this go on far too long. In order to change my path, to free myself from this HELL ( believe me STEP HELL was nothing compared to my marriage) I had to love myself more than I loved my spouse. And I adored my spouse. To keep things in perspective I have to constantly remind myself of what was really going on in our marriage. I was the convenient nanny and ATM. My opinions and feelings did not matter. I was financially abused. I was verbally abused and gaslighted. I was never appreciated and cherished. Never. And that hurts but it is the reality. I spent most of the relationship bending over backwards to please and it got me nowhere. The more I gave the more he took and never gave back in return. But I am no victim. I repeatedly signed myself up for a bad time by staying. I just kept hoping that if I said the right thing, did the right thing and loved him harder he would soften. It was his way or be damned and he never worked with me. Although I was far from perfect in the relationship it was he that dealt too many fatal blows. My shoulders could no longer withstand the heavy burden of financial servitude and the accusations of being mean to my SD, all the while I was doing my best, stretching my patience to the max and gradually losing my health over it. I have a daughter of my own, wonderful friends, a great job and a lovely house and I am not about to stroke out over a loser and a child with psychological problems. I guess it is as simple as that.
So I am looking forward to peace and tranquility in all its forms but especially being able to reclaim my house as my sanctuary void of him and his putrid energy. That will begin after they move out. A new year 2017.
In the next several weeks I don't know what to do to really get through it without extreme sadness.