My voice and my body both had a nervous tremor due to stress. I cried in private often if not daily. Most of my thoughts were centered around the skids, BM and resentment. I feared my emotional and physical problems were turning permanent. I was not getting what I needed from my spouse, yet I gave years, waiting for him to be what I needed. I resented him every day and I loathed myself for marrying so poorly and for staying in a situation I despised. But 'when it's good, it's good.' That's the statement that had wasted years of my life.

Try this:
Pretend your spouse DIED! There I said it. What would you do? Fast forward past grieving. Your spouse is gone and it's just you again. If you don't love your step kids, they and everything about them vanish along with your spouse!
If all the drudgery suddenly vanished from your life. Now what?

Since more than 80% of my thoughts revolved around the skids, BM, DH shortcomings, visitation, another ruined summer.....I LITERALLY WAS NOT ABLE TO THINK OTHER THOUGHTS. When I wiped DH and the skids/BM out of my life, my mind went blank. My daily thoughts about them had turned into a HABIT. I didn't know who I was anymore without this stress and worry. It had come to define who I was!

The moment they were all 'gone', I felt lighter. I breathed a deep breath and realized how often I hold my breath due to stress. I felt tremendously relieved.

I pulled out a large, white, blank paper. I stuck it to my mirror. With some markers in hand, I wrote down some attributes I want to posses in my 'new life'. I am: Confident. Joyful. Thriving. Loving. Positive. Empowered. Determined.
I looked myself right in the eyes in my mirror. I could hardly stand this self-help stuff. I stated out loud, "I am confident."
I didn't believe myself. I changed my posture, facial expression, eyes and voice to match, "I am confident." Better, but still not buying it. I moved on to 'joyful'. Joyful couldn't be farther from the truth but I made the corners of my mouth turn up into a forced smile and said, "I am joyful."
This took 3-5 minutes and the statements started getting louder, with more feeling. I was already returning to the essence of me.
Between 'confident' and 'joyful', I yelled, "I will not live with worry of fear because of you!" "I will not be silenced or put down by you!" Some emotions about DH came up and I just let them out, all while looking myself right in the face.
I felt a little better.
I wrote down some things I want and need on the paper. Adventure, learning, service, clean house, health.....(what you write here will likely be your values.) Just let the marker flow and write anything that comes to mind or that you have always loved and always return to.

My creativity started flowing back to me. I thought of that European trip I wanted to take. I remembered some lofty career goals and a class I wanted to attend. Suddenly I saw the pile of unread books I have always wanted to get to. Scrapbooking, my piano, volunteer work, my garden...all things that had taken a back burner to everyone else's needs. It was all available to me again.

Now, of course your spouse doesn't have to die for you to enjoy your passions or hobbies again. (If you think they do, it's probably time to get out.)
This is meant to shine light on all you do for others, while perhaps neglecting yourself. That's not blame. If you are the only one keeping your family ship afloat, ask yourself why that is? Answer without blaming your spouse. WHY are YOU allowing that? Only you can answer what the reason is. Is it neglect, self-loathing, poor self-esteem or something else? You know why it is.

Return to your affirmations you wrote on that paper DAILY. DO IT! I felt crazy doing it and sometimes I had to do it in my car with the windows rolled up just to have some privacy. Now I say them out loud when I am walking my dog. Say the words and FEEL the words. 7 days later, I felt like a new person. Truthfully. (I stopped doing them at that point and re-focused my attention on 'fixing' DH. Don't be like me. Do your affirmations every day. Your spouse will come around or not, but you will communicate differently with your spouse. Focus on YOU.)

ONE ADDITIONAL EXERCISE:

Focus on putting every thought into a positive statement.

DO THIS: I want tranquility and order in my home. My home is a haven.
NOT THIS: It's always a mess. I can't live like this. DH doesn't do anything around here.

Feels very different doesn't it? Practice the positive statements in all your speech. It forces you to slow down and think instead of spew out the nasty broken record. Your spouse (who isn't really dead by the way) will notice. You will notice! You will feel better and more calm and in better control.

Take some words OUT of your vocabulary: SHOULD, COULD, CAN'T, WISH, HOPE. "I wish", "I hope"..."Do or do not, there is no try." -Yoda

Be empowered. Take responsibility. Blame is robbing you of valuable time and energy!

THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS!!! Can you remember?