My concern is that both these statements might be made defensively to an SM as a way of saying "I can take you for granted because you are in my house/bed whatever, and I don't have to attend to your needs and wants, I only have to attend to those of my kids whom I might lose, should I fail to pander to their mother's outrageous and gratuitous unreasonable demands of me." 

Because regardless of what his ex-wife may say, she and the children are separate entities and he did not divorce "them."  He divorced her.  He will be responsible for his childrens' NEEDS, as futuro said above, until they reach majority and it is in their best interest if he can work civilly with their mother on discipline and grades and healthcare.  But if he can't co-parent then he will have to parallel parent.  

That is the extent of his requirement for interaction with the ex.  Her emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing is now her business and it is her job to find a support system like any other human being waliking the earth.  He is your support system now and you are his.  They relinquished that responsibility to each other in the divorce or at least they should have.  If they did not then they had no business obligating themselves to another person.

Children’s needs come first. 

But nice-to-have’s and wants of children do not have to always be a priority. If the couple want a relationship that survives beyond the children leaving home then they need to invest time and energy into it during the whole of the relationship.

Sometimes that means prioritizing a partner over a child. Going out as a couple and getting a babysitter. Buying your partner a special present and not feeling as though the child(ren) are missing out and need an equal or greater gift. Sending children to bed at a reasonable hour so that you can enjoy adult time. Missing a child event to support your partner at a funeral/wedding/work function or celebrate an anniversary. 

Most of these examples are also teaching the children some level of independence and how to treat a partner with respect and love when they grow up. It teaches them that the world will not always revolve around them. 

When people do not feel like they are prioritized then relationships break down. 

Sometimes words can be confusing and need some explaining. When a person says their ex’s welfare is important to them, do they mean that they would personally be there to provide monetary, physical and/or emotional support to ensure that she is ok? Or do they mean that they wish them well and would not do anything themselves to adversely affect her welfare but are not about to accompany her on hospital visits and pay her bills. The first example is something that I am sure many current partners would not be happy with as that takes energy and resources away from their relationship and the second example is just someone who has reasonable respect for their ex. 

Which one of these does your husband mean? 

My oldest is from a previous relationship. My thoughts on the first statement are my child comes first in the sense that if there was abuse or something of that nature I would choose him over the relationship. If he needs to go to the dr, serious things. Otherwise no.

The second statement. I really dont care about his wellbeing. I care how things affect my son, but I would help my son deal with whatever is going on, not go rescue his dad. Hes contacted me a couple time thinking I would rush to save him because hes ODS dad. Nope. Alot of times that statement seems to be used as an excuse to go play captain save a ho to the ex, so I think that's why people dont like it. 

Great feedback so far.

All I can add is, this is why clear, specific communication is so important. This issue should have been thoroughly examined in the early days of dating your H. Did he pull the ole bait and switch, or has he been telling you this all along?

Kids are a parent's responsibility; the marriage should be the top priority. But shoulda, woulda, coulda. People can live however they choose. They just shouldn't pursue partnerships if they aren't willing to be all in and go about it in a healthy manner. That's why it's up to us as women to say "That doesn't work for me". and move on to something that isnt stupid and completely childcentric.

Why are you still married? I just skimmed your past blogs - go read what you wrote in July of 2018 when you had just returned from your road trip. You were so happy after having just returned from months without your DH. Now you are questioning why he shouldn't be putting you before his ex-wife and kids.