The kids revolve around the parental-type couple, not the other way around. Without a firm foundation, the couple is doomed to failure. 
 

Someone always had a great way of stating this. Had to do with NEEDS and then everything else. 

If "marriage first" was actually practiced there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate in first families.  Seems like most people treat the first time down the isle as their starter marriage then drag the kids into their subsequent romantic relationships.  COD's often fill in the void that the absent spouse left so now the kids come "first" and anyone coming onboard needs to respect that mini wife relationship.  

Sh413 you said "Friend who is a BM steps in and says well he should always have her back no matter what that's his kid." I think the friend who said that has some serious issues. Although people profess that love is unconditional, it's quite the opposite in that it has to be conditional if it is healthy love. You don't have someone's back no matter what. That opens the door for all sorts of mistreatment, abuse, and dysfunction.Look at all the fathers here who have their kids back no matter what, and look at how miserable his life is, how miserable his wife or significant other is, and even how miserable his kids are.

Let's face it, healthy kids don't behave the way the ones talked about on this board do. They lack healthy boundaries. Competing with your father's significant other is just pathetic. What exactly do most of these kids have to bring to a real competition anyway other than manipulation and a blood tie to their father? Most of them are just users with bottom-feeder mentalities. 

I'm not competing with anyone for a place in a man's life, nor am I allowing anyone to compete with me for a place in his life. I'm not getting trapped in that type of dysfunction. If a man doesn't know there should never be a competition between the woman in his life and his kids, then he is not the man for me. 

Yes, that's a common misconception for people who aren't in stepfamilies, and for some that are. That just because the child was in the parent's life first, they must be his highest priority. Which is why so many second and third marriages fail, I would guess.

People don't actually know what it means to put someone first, whether that be kids or a spouse. It has been boiled down to this BS idea that putting your spouse first means that you neglect and discard your kids, while putting your kids first means every decision you make has to be made with kids. Not for the kids, or with the kids in mind, but actually WITH them.

This is BS. The actual equation is that a spouse's wants and needs trump a child's wants (and sometimes needs), and a child's needs trump a spouse's wants (and sometimes needs).

Example: if you get to take one week of vacation a year with your spouse, and your spouse wants to go to the beach but the child wants to go camping, then the beach wins. The spouse has worked hard and earned that vacation, and their want to spend their limited time at the beach trumps a child wanting to go camping.

Same goes for choosing which house to live in, where you're going for dinner, what activity you're doing that weekend, etc. That's not to say a child should never get some of their wants, but they shouldn't come at a spouse's wants that they also earned or are helping to pay for (like a house).

On the flip side, if a child NEEDS braces but a spouse wants a new back deck, the braces win. Or if a child needs help in the evening with a big project (and I do mean help, not do), but the spouse wants to watch a television show, the project wins. There are things that a parent has to do or spend money on that will trump a spouse.

And there will be times when there are competing needs that a parent has to balance. If your wife is in labor and needs you at the hospital, but youe child needs a ride to school, then you have to find someone to take your child to school so that you can take care of your wife. Or, if your child has a parent-teacher conference that you need to be at, but your spouse needs help changing a tire on their car, you call a tow truck for your spouse. Your spouse is an adult and should be able to handle their own needs without you, except in situations where those needs are more profound than those of the child.

But, this arrangement requires using one's brain for more than a hat rack. It also means that someone gets disappointed. And when a child gets disappointed, they let EVERYONE know. They'll throw a tantrum, they'll tell grandma and grandpa, they'll not talk to you. If you're divorced, then they'll tell their other parent, who then tells their friends how "awful" of a parent you are, and then people twist it in their own brain thinking "oh man, they ARE awful, and that new SP is to blame!"

This needs vs wants dynamic is the way to do things, IMO, but people don't like it because it means having to share. It also means that someone doesn't get to be #1 all the time. It means learning nuance and having a deeper understanding of both your partner and kids. There will be "traditional" things that some don't care about but other things that are less traditional that are super important. Some kids do not want their parents coming to every single basketball game they play, so those games shouldn't trump an activity a spouse wants to do with you. Conversely, some spouses want some alone time and will kick out their partners and their kids on the weekends to go do ANYTHING so long as it's not in the house and not with them.

Healthy relationships take work, even if the relationship is "easy". But, since it doesn't fit on a meme or in a Pinterest post, or in fancy script that you can plaster to your wall next to "Live, Laugh, Love", no one wants to give it any attention.

I don't think it's just a steparent issue anymore. Some where along the lines parents became so focused on giving into Thier children's every whim, because somehow they feel that is being a good, loving parent. 

As a result we have an entire generation, of helpless, entitled, young adults who demand immediate gratification. 

It's hard to believe but working with parents trying to address behavior issues in children. The common theme is "what can I do, you can't hit them?". 

My response is your kid has a cell phone, xbox, tv, $100 sneakers, name brand clothes and so on. Those are privileges!!! Which means they are not things a child is entitled to, you can take them away and make them engage in certain behaviors to earn them.

It's much harder in seperated, divorced families because often times you have one parent who will spoil the children, which results in the other parent not wanting to be the bad guy, so no one parents. Instead they compete to be the favorite parent. 

The sad thing is that at the end of the day, both sides are only hurting Thier children because once the enter the real world they will not be prepared to handle adult expectations. Your boss is not going to just hand you a paycheck, you have to earn it. College is not going to just hand you a degree, you have to earn it. 

Wicked Stepmo, this comment is spot on. Life is hard for alot of people right now. Imagine how much harder it gets when parents realize not only do they have to support themselves through this corona virus situation, but also their adult kid (kids). So the parents income and/or savings are being hit hard, likely because the adult kids have been leeching off their parents way past age 18, 19, or 20 and then more so now because of the corona virus situation. Most parents can't sustain financially supporting themselves, their adult kids (if more than 1), and no telling how many grandkids. That's why it is so very important that parents raise their kids to be responsible and independent adults. Parents who don't do this are doing a disservice not only to themselves, but also to their kids, and the community.

When this corona virus situation came about, my ex's adult kids were hitting him up hard for money, because he had already been financially supporting them. He became irritable and frustrated. No way in hell was I allowing him to take his frustrations out on me. After all I raised my kids to be independent and they haven't asked for a single penny during the corona virus situation.However, his adult kids always have their hands out. I think that saying, not my monkey, not my circus definitely applies.