OT- Adoption, finding birth parents
I recently came across a video on tik tok ( I know I know don't judge lol) of a man saying he was trying to find his birth mother and having issues as it was a closed adoption. There were a lot of supportive messages saying they would try and help as he was asking the public to help with the information he had. One comment started a convo, someone mentioned that she may not want to be found and doing so would be an intrusion.
I don't have experience with adoption so I can not say for certain what my feelings would be? I think I would not look for birth parents but like I said it's easy to make assumptions when you aren't in situation.
should kids have the right to find birth parents even if they don't want to be found?
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Well, I don't know if they
Well, I don't know if they have the right, but if they do go on the search (and find them), they need to to be prepared for rejection. Depending on who requested the adoption to be closed, the birth parents may not want to be sought out.
Some say everybody has the right to know who their birth parents are, the medical history, blah, blah, blah. I don't necessarily agree but I know the curiosity and the urge to know is strong in some.
It's a 50/50 chance that it will end in joy, or heartache.
Absolutely, more than likely
Absolutely, more than likely not how they expect it to turn out.
YES
It's a basic human right to know your birth story and family history. Closed adoptions are an abomination.
Why isn't it possible to
Why isn't it possible to include the medical history of the known parents in a closed adoption? I'm all for kids having all the knowledge they need for medical purposes. But I don't think a woman needs to be confronted by her rapist's child for "abandoning" them.
Since it is a closed adoption
Since it is a closed adoption both parties have to come forth to the adoption agency and say they want to be found. If they both want to be found then the adoption agency will allow them to exchange info or however that works. If one party finds the other through other means, it doesn't always turn out as expected. The finder is not always welcomes with open arms. I've seen this in family and friends of family and there is often rejection by one person or the other. Expectations are not met which causes hurt. I know one person who found his daughter and it turned out well, he became like a cool uncle to her but mostly it doesn't turn out well. Sometimes people just want to go on with their lives. My best friend found her older sister who was given up for adoption and my friend's mom was upset by this and refused to meet her own daughter. Eventually relationships were developed throughout the family and the birh mom was forced in to meeting the long lost daughter at a family baby shower. It's just weird to meet your daughter 50+ years later, right??
I guess it comes down to the
I guess it comes down to the person, in college I dated someone who was adopted, he had a sister also adopted each from different parents. He had no interest in finding birth parents at all. She did, found her and was not what she expected. She had made this woman up to be someone in her mind, the real person was nothing of the sort.
I also believe a closed
I also believe a closed adoption is closed for various reasons. Shame, guilt, compassion.
I also believe that it is true that 'kids' want to know where they came from. It falls back into that inherant bond that can not be broken.
I do not support any person just showing UP "Hi I am your long lost child'.
Ancestry and 23 and me have opened this wide open. End result is not always happiness.
*side note yet similar I would like to see courts mandate paternity testing to all parties prior to ALL child support 'awards'.
Kids should know the truth they are either adopted or of a different father as soon as possible. They should be told the truth about a lot of things.
jmo
Yes I have heard of that
Yes I have heard of that happening! Connecting with a sister or relative then it comes out that there was a child given up for adoption.
I agree it wouldn't hurt to make it part of the process, find out from the get go!
Another factor that comes
Another factor that comes into play besides adoption is sperm or ovary donors. Not sure on the technicalities of it but, what happenes if they want to find their birth father/mother who may not even know their sperm or ovary was used.
I actually saw this mini
I actually saw this mini series on kids from the same sperm donor there was like 25 total finding each other and wanting to find him! I don't remember what came from but that I thought was a nooooo way!
I will say sometimes it
I will say sometimes it better they don't find the bio parent. Case in point my cousin (real winner) he and his first wife opted to give their child up for adoption.
After child was over 18 my cousin decided to reach out and give child the option to talk to him should he want to. Child was thankful for my cousin reaching out but really didn't want to form a relationship with him.
Now my cousin who can't take a hint reaches out regularly to child trying to pursue a relationship. Not sure how many ways the kid has to say no, but he's honestly better off not knowing my cousin.
I do think it would be nice
I do think it would be nice if there were a way for the adopted child to be aware of things like family health histories.. it can make a difference in their treatment and monitoring for certain medical issues. But, it's quite likely you couldn't get a good read on that at their birth.. because the issues of parents and grandparents may not have presented by then.
I'm sure many people who have put their children up for adoption have curiosity themselves. They may want contact. Or would have no problem at least sharing info.
But, I do think that sometimes the motivation from the adoptee side is to put them on the spot.. WHY did you do this. Would my life have been different or better?
I don't think that an adopted child should force the contact.. just like the bio parent shouldn't. But, if there is a clearinghouse of "yes you can contact".. that would be best.
That's what my DH said when I
That's what my DH said when I asked him, "what if?" He said he would want to know, "Why?"
I'm not sure there is ever a good enough answer, as far as the adoptee is concerned. Obviously, most parents who give up a child do it because they feel someone else can better provide for the child, but I don't think adoptees always see it that way.
Closed adoptions were the
Closed adoptions were the rule/law until recently. Open adoptions are a recent phenomenon. Many states today have adoption registries (for those who had closed adoptions) where both birth parent and adopted children can register. If both register, contact can be made.
Medical history should be available...
I am adopted, the only thing I wanted from my bio parents was a family medical history, nothing else. I was lucky, my parents knew my birth mother, some of the medical information was available.
I think all adopted people should have the medical history, but the option to find and meet the births parents should be an agreement with all parties.
My DD's adoption is open.
My DD's adoption is open. Probably more open than most. She sees her birth parents weekly at a minimum and her birth mother is one of my closest friends. Both sets of bio grandparents are also very involved. So I'm admittedly biased towards open adoption. I know that things have shifted to open adoptions being more common fairly recently and also that sometimes it is in the child's best interest to not have any contact. That being said, I feel like if you place your biological child for adoption, you should fully expect them to contact you eventually and at least be prepared to communicate one time and to share any medical history. On the flip side, an adoptee should be prepared that the birth parent may not want an relationship at all.
its interesting that this arrangement works
whereas Stepmotherhood as a whole, doesn't.
Open adoption works when it
Open adoption works when it works, and sometimes doesnt work. When it works, it's great for all involved.
Children's Services in some cases has dangled open adoption to birth parents to entice them to give up parental rights. Birth parents are told that if they go the open adoption route, they will get contact. If they go the trial route, there will be a termination of rights with no contact. Contact can range from letters and pictures several times a year to a number of visits.
When contact works, it works. When it doesn't, it's awful. I know one that has four visits a year. The birth parents don't seem to understand they can't dictate what the adoptive parents do. Since the visits have to be supervised, due to safety concerns, maternal grandparents now do the supervision. Another set of adoptive parents had the child's therapist tell them and then the court that the visits to the birth parents were determental to the child's mental health. The visits stopped, but cards and pictures continued. Then the birth parents figured out where they lived and started driving by the house. The adoptive parents finally moved out of state.
Yeah. It hinges on neither of
Yeah. It hinges on neither of the mothers involved not being bat shit crazy, I think. Don't get me wrong, we had tension the first year. There were things I did that she very clearly didn't agree with. BUT she is a remarkably strong person and managed to bite her tongue (for the most part). And while I had some insecurities early on, I never felt that my position as DD's mother was threatened. We respect each other, and we both trust that the other truly loves DD. The majority of BM-SM dynamics just don't have that.
All that being said, get back to me in 6 or 7 years when DD inevitably tells me in a fit of teenage hysteria that Birthmom would be a WAY better mom than me.
I am in the U.K. and my
I am in the U.K. and my foster parents names were on my medical records from when I was a baby which helped me find them. Not the same as a closed adoption by any means, but sometimes there’s lots of little clues....
My coworker was adopted
She is beautiful and smart and has a great career. She did the 23 and me test and it told her who her mother and half sister was. She had a few months of emailing back and forth with her bio mom who was 15 when she was born and wasn't even told if the baby was a boy or a girl. Her half sister and bio mom never wished to meet her and they live a few towns south of us. Bio mom didn't wish to disclose who bio father and said he was never told she was pregnant. Coworker found a cousin and can go looking but hasn't because he may be dead and while her adoptive mom died long ago and was an alcoholic her adoptive dad is very loving and they are close. She doesn't want to hurt him. But bio mom and half sister kinda treated her like they were afraid she was going to be after them for money not knowing coworker makes very, very good money. Coworker can't have kids of her own and doesn't have siblings. She was really more interested in half sister and niece but they want nothing to do with her. Their loss though