My Epiphany
My husband called my SD19 and told her to stop calling me after her last snippy message to me. You were all right...she wants to blame me for all her relationship issues with her dad. So after 10 years of doing everything for this girl, my epiphany is this: For the past three months, I have experienced tremendous joy not having this girl in my life. My husband thinks it's impossible to have a relationship with his daughter when she hates me. WHY? I told him, "I support and even encourage you to have a relationship wit her, but it's healthier for me if I don't. So, do what you need to do and leave me out of it. I'm a big fan of you and her having a relationship. Go for it. It's not impossible -- it will be harder -- but it's doable." SO THERE DAMMIT
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Epiphany.....
Take a deep breath, you are all that, StepLightly !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Skds
StepLightly do you feel the same way that I do? When my Skds were much younger I felt different about them. I felt a responsibility to help take care of them and provide for them. All of those feelings changed when the youngest one turned 21. They are adults now and I expect the same thing out of them that I would expect out of anyone that age. They understand that I am not the parent and because of that I do not have unconditional love. I expect them to treat me with respect at all times and if they can't deliver then they need to be somewhere else. I felt that my duty to them ended when the youngest one turned 21 and therefore our relationship is purely optional.
Steplightly
Your DH must see that he has one incredible woman in his life and must hold immense respect for you.
Even though he is hurting now for the failed relationship between you & SD, he should see that it is because of HER choice alone. And he also should clearly see that you are not hindering HIM from having any type of relationship with his daughter, even though she rejected YOU.
It's sad that it has come to this. But I expect you will be much happier in the long run without this toxic person in your life.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Oh yes...
My DH is hurt, but realizes that it's SD's fault. He can't understand her being this way because he has witnessed first-hand what I've done for her. His entire family (and it's a big family) completely supports me, and also can't stand his kids. It's sad...I thought I'd have more of an influence on them, since they lived with us, etc. I thought I'd be this strong, amazing female role model, and that they'd grab onto those values instead of their mother's "victim stance". What a joke. I like Sparky's take on it...once they are adults, it's optional. My DH was running around like a madman today because SD called and said the college called her and they need the $$ by Wednesday. Ha! When I cared, tuition was paid EARLY, so she (and her siblings) never got a call like that. She still hates me though. I'm done...and it is very freeing. Thanks to all of you, I've been able to disengage and enjoy my family and my life.
Mothers & Daughters
Your comment, "I thought I'd be this strong, amazing female role model, and that they'd grab onto those values instead of their mother's "victim stance" totally hit home, SL.
I too, thought that if I just quitely set a good, constant example for them, that they would start to at the very least pick up SOMETHING positive from me. But instead, they are picking up every bad, nasty, ugly habit that mirrors their BM.
I guess the perverse strong bond between mothers and daughters is simply too hard to overcome in the end. And in more simplistic terms- it's far more enticing to follow the 'bad path' than it is to follow the 'straight and narrow' (and apparenty 'cooler', too- especially in the eyes of teenagers!)
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Hold out hope.
I too felt these exact sentiments. My Skids had began to emulate the negative, temper-tantrum, victim playing behaviors that BM displayed. For years I fought it, even disengaged here and there along the way. Now at age 11.5 and 13 they are beginning to see BM in her true light. Maybe my situation is different because I am custodial and therefore have more physical hours with them. Either way I continue to show them correct and acceptable behaviors in dealing with different circumstances and though they would never admit it to me, I know they adhere to them. Everyone of their friends parents, teachers, neighbors and other adults in their life say how well behaved, mannerable, respectful, polite, etc. they are and how they are a delight to have around. It makes me proud to know that even though they don't always use good judgment at home, they do so outside of the home. Which tells me...they listen. As far as in the home, the negative behaviors are less and less as they get older. I wish this for you. For me I will accept some of the time rather than none of the time.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I have a similar situation
with my SO's adult kids. Two of them hated me for a long time, one loves me. The two that hated now tolerate me. I encourage SO to spend time alone with them whenever they are in town or we are all away together. It hurts my SO, and he constantly pushes me to be involved, but it's better if I stay disengaged and out of their activities as much as possible. I think the reason they now tolerate me is that they've seen me step aside. And they've seen me encourage them to do things on their own...just father and sons. I told them long ago that I wouldn't interfere with their relationship, but their mother convinced them otherwise. I think they are finally seeing the truth. Things with them are not great, but they are better. They talk to me and treat me with respect. It's a huge step forward. I don't expect them to ever love me, but I will be there for them if they need me and I think they know it deep down.