How can I forgive and trust again?
Hi. I am stepmom(actually adopted a few years ago but she doesn't claim me as any more than a stepmom) to a 13yr who's mission for the past 4 years has been to try to get me and my husband to get divorced. She is always starting arguements when he is not around and then exagerrates her side of the story. I always feel like I have to defend myself but over the years he has become resentful at me because of all her stories that are only about 10% true. It is a power trip for her and it has been working. So recently she told counselors, family etc that I have abused her. There is NO truth to this. Well, after 2 months of lying and people not believing her because the story changes daily she finally admitted she made it all up just to hurt me. Of course my husband knew it was all lies so he stood by my side and defended the truth. Now he sees a little more clearly that she has been doing this for years with all her stories... She has been manipulating him for years. She has said "sorry" and I have told her that she can show me through making amends. In the past she has only been sorry that she got caught and the behavior just got worse and more manipulative. this time she has gone too far and I have no idea how I can have a relationship with her. I am just so tired of trying to force something with this girl that makes me miserable. I do not want a divorce but the thought of having to spend time with her makes me shake and sick to my stomach. I am so tired of all the counselors who say I have to change, blah, blah, blah. The more I work on myself I realize that I do not deserve this and I do not know if I am willing to be her target and doormat anymore. I am emotionally exhausted and tired of the constant drama. I don't know how to not take things personal and how to detach with love. Any advice????
Wow - this goes way beyong
Wow - this goes way beyong the usual shit we take from SKIDS - I can totally understand your feelings. Personally I would find it difficult to continue living with a 13yr old who had levelled serious accusations of abuse at me. This is a whole another level from a bit of name calling and rows. She knows exactly what she is doing - she is not a little kid who might not be able to visualise the consquences of such allegations.
I disengaged 8 years ago,(EOW) but it might be difficult if you have the SD full time. I would be thinking about possibly moving out, because how do you find your way back from something like this? I am not a great believer in the power of counselling, having been a relationship counsellor myself for 8 years, and the recipient of it as well.
I was not happy about
I was not happy about counselling either, Kes, it was court ordered family counselling, by the juvenile judge, like, how can a kid be this bad?? LOL there must be a problem with the parenting? I got a lady who is Dutch, older lady, wise lady! It was like having a chat with a friend when I talked with her (she was that good).
Having asked us if we wanted to stay married, and us both saying yes we do, she advised DH to step up to the plate, take a firmer stand with kids and she advised me that kids grow up and leave home...regardless...so why was I beating my own self up about issues? Stop responding predictably to their negativity. It was that simple! I disengaged when DH was being manipulated by SKids, just to let him see how bad they really were! It was 'go ask your dad' with each decision. DH at one point was despairing and asking why his wife and daughter were not getting along. I can see where he came from with that because SD lied to him constantly about me and he was exhausted too with the constant round of court dates and probation appointments and counselling etc.
I love SKids, deeply, I kept that in my heart, there's a lot of mitigation and it's really all down to the single largest common denominator, that being BM. The courts know it, the whole juvenile justice system where we are knows it too. This woman was put out of a court room because of her inapropriate attire and on an other occasion for contempt of court. One judge refused BM access to SD until she'd had counselling and was deemed a fit parent. It never happened. SD is so messed up by her mother it's unbelievable! SD is a carbon copy of her mother! She has a twin brother too....HELP!
Help is at hand, SD is in a secure juvenile detention facility getting intenstive behavioral therapy right now. It's making a difference to her, (her step grand parents got in the middle of an altercation between her mother's husband and her...fools! they got minor injuries) SD got two years for 'assault on the infirm'. These people are some piece of work incidentally, BM married and divorced since I came on the scene, birds of a feather flock together...right? The judge dismissed all but two of the charges against SD on that occasion, the step granparents were adamant that she should be punished because they were stupid enough to get in the way and they pressed charges? SD did resist arrest too. Nothing done about the step dad punching SD in the mouth?
I saw some introspection with SD before her sentence of two years was handed to her and it was encouraging. Of course it could have been SD manipulating the system too but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, she is getting older (she just made 18) and she does have some goals now. She was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade, ODD in 7th grade and emerging borderline personality disorder at age 16. NO ONE could handle this kid!! Schools expelled her, alternative schools let her graduate to get rid of her...two group homes kicked her out!! This kid is a mess. The conflict of loving a deranged mother who abused her, the separation of her parents, being abandoned by her mother twice, this kid has been through hell in her short lifetime. The thing with her is that it's all sealed in her juvenile record. Her twin brother is now going through his 'phase' and he's going to end up in adult jail if he breaks the law. He's 'the man' and can 'handle' his own shit!
I got carried away here...sorry...one thing led to another and I my fingers followed my thoughts on the keyboard! I actually asked SD's doctor ''which bleeding heart, wishy washy, liberal bible do I have to read now?'' because I was soooooo fed up with the rounds of it all. The doctor laughed. I disagree with so much of what the system says, with how many 'chances' kids get. Even SD says that if they'd thrown the book at her from the beginning she might not have done the things she did!!
A counselor told me one day
A counselor told me one day that SD was pushing my buttons because I allowed her to. There was some truth in what the lady said though. I thought about all the things SD said and did, repeatedly, and I saw how no reaction from me would get it to stop. I did not have to change me as a person, just shifted my attitude towards SD a little and the change was incredable...honestly!! I stopped responding negatively to
her barbs, if she said something nasty to me, in my face, I'd say 'sorry, I was distracted for a moment there, say again?
It's exhausting, believe me, I know how it goes. SD was put on a time out outside the back door (front door she runs off and says we kicked her out) and she kicked and screamed and the glass was going to break! DH went out to her, she beat HERSELF up and called the cops, saying daddy did that to her. It was THE ONE, maybe new cop, officer who had not dealt with her before who believed her and arrested DH, he was bonded out but the humiliation of being arrested for child abuse? I point blank refused to go back inside our house while it was just SD and I there. I called her older sister to come get her and I waited out in the street until her sister arrived. One of our neighbors waited with me, she knew the whole situation anyhow so it's not like she was just 'being nosey' and I was relieved that I at least had a witness if something did go down.
When the court date came in we went to the DA and explained what happened and were told just 'go home and pick up the minutes in the morning'. SD's juvenile record is three inches thick and
reads like a novel! At this point SD is still in 8th grade! Now she is 18 and in a secure juvenile facility, getting intensive therapy in stages that are not so hard to accept. Her sentence was for two years and there's a six month review in January. This kid was so seldom in school, yet she got her GED at 16, took SAT and scored well enough to get into university at just made 17 and still could not behave herself! They say that 'gifted' kids have problems...SD has a twin brother...he's just a bit more devious than she is and does not get caught! Shit will hit the fan with him too but I am better prepared this time around...counsel is not a bad thing when you are in the middle of all that crap it's really hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes...
Coincidentally, every time SD is in trouble it's connected to her mother, the courts know this very well too. Currently SS (her twin) is staying at BM's and it's a matter of time until he's back here with his tail between his legs. We did not kick him out, he decided he could not live with us and our rules and they all say that I am the problem! That's fairly typical though, they think I control dad. DH is his own man, I am my own woman, we are happily married and will stay that way REGARDLESS 0f all the problems with kids.
good luck!
How can you love and trust
How can you love and trust again? I chose to recognize that they are still kids and that they will outgrow all the crap. I stopped letting it get to me. I have not forgotten any of it...as you can see from my ramblings here, but I do forgive them. Trust has to be earned back, you have to let them to earn it though, if that makes sense? Forgive them, they will try harder to be good if you encourage them. I am a great believer in positive encouragement. Punishing kids really just makes them surly and resentful and they will actively seek out revenge...which can vary depending on how disturbed a kid is...right? It's a balancing act, it's never going to be easy but they will LEAVE HOME! Have faith and good luck.
Some of the things are still
Some of the things are still so fresh in my memory it's like they happened yesterday! What I had to do, for my own sake, and sanity, was to put them to the back of my mind and move forward with what's going on in the present. The reason I believe that I do not 'forgive AND forget' is because if I forgot then I'd be stupid enough to open myself up for more...right? I do forgive though.
Their mother has absolutely no introspection or sophistication, nor did she impart any concience to the SKids. They did/are doing what self absorbed people do...to hell with society! Sociopaths! There are ways, apparently, that sociopaths can learn new behaviors. I agree though, they NEVER totally change. I am fully aware of what could happen when SD comes home from jail, or when SS comes back from his mother's. However, they are 18 now, DH has finally grown a spine and if I see his spine withering I WILL PULL THE REMAINDER OF IT OUT AND HIT HIM WITH THE SOGGY END!! Now...still think I a saint?? LOL
Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks so much for sharing. I have had a rough week. In our counseling session this week she is "sorry" but is still playing the victim and trying to always get the focus on me. She will say and do anything to make me look bad and the counselor buys into it. She doesn't live here right now. She lives at a Christian home for troubled youth. THANK GOD. She visits a lot though. I am just really struggling with the thought of ever coexisting with her again. She pushed me to the limit. I can forgive but I don't know how I can enjoy life always looking over my shoulder with an evil teenager that hates me always conspiring against me LIVING IN MY HOUSE!! The counselor even said when SD is nice don't buy into it because it is just part of her game. Her BM is gone. DH got custoday, then she signed over all rights, then I adopted, then BM died. Me and SD used to get along but for years now she has hated me. The more her BM pulled away the more she hated me. She admits now she is trying to get us to get divorced and she projects all her anger on me. Meanwhile I am being more selfless and loving to another man's child than I ever thought I could be. I'm emotionally exhausted and I don't know how much more I can take. She is only 13. She is just like her mom, too. Her mom died with almost no friends, still standing by her lies. Miserable bitch. I hope that SD hits a bottom and realizes that if she would just respect others maybe she could be happy, but the evil look in her eye this week is telling me she is up to something AGAIN. She is pissed that her lies about the abuse didn't turn out the way she planned. They say she might be bipolar and boderline personality disorder but she is too young to diagnose. So what do we do for now?