Having trouble switching gears
I have an SD12 who is here every other week all year long...She has been horrible since day one..typical mini-wife stuff, extreme jealousy of me and my BD13. Territorial, even though Dh and I bought this house together, selfish, thief, liar, nasty, lazy, manipulative, smart mouth, fake, you name it. Dh doesn't want her around, but the BM wont take her full time either. Dh is finally seeing the light.(After 5.5 years of me losing my mind, even leaving for several months not too long ago.)
Used to, I could be happy on the week that we are without the SD, but anymore, it's hard to be happy even when she's gone. I have so much resentment against her and then there's the dread of her returning.
When she is here, it's like a dark cloud rolls over the house. There is always conflict of some kind because of her. On the week she isn't here, we have relative harmony.
Seems like though that all the magic is gone out of the household. Home should be a place where I feel safe and happy after a hard days work. Should be place where I don't have to lock up my belongings.
I had previously decided to leave in the summer of 2015, but I really don't want to put my BD through another move, I DO love my Dh and don't want to divorce him DESPITE some real major B.S. that weve been through recently. 5 more years and the skid will be out of the house. I would like to have what it takes to hold on. ESPECIALLY because for me and BD to move out is EXACTLY what Sd wants. So what I'm asking is, HOW do I get my happy back? AT LEAST on the weeks Sd is gone?
This is what caused me to
This is what caused me to have SO and SD8 leave. She was there 7 days on 7 days off, at first the 7 days she was gone were so great and I didn't get the dark cloud feeling until Sunday afternoon when he would leave to meet cum dumpster to pick her up, but then it started creeping in faster. Finally I was at the point I was having panic attacks the whole week she was gone because I was dreading her return and couldn't even enjoy my own house anymore. I didn't realize how my BD11 was being affected by my emotions until some really smart people on here pointed it out. I realize you don't want your BD to have to go through a move, but you have to ask yourself if the SD is causing you so much unhappiness and grief what is it doing to your daughter? Is the time that SD is away enough to make up for the time she is there ruining stuff? And I still love and miss SO but my daughter's happiness and my own sanity are more important. I wish you the best!!
Welcome to MY specialty. It's
Welcome to MY specialty. It's called Disengagement. You treat her like a ghost. Not mean, just not catering to her. If she is nasty, leave the room, take your daughter for a walk. If she smarts off, ignore it or tape her. If she steals, lock your valuables.
Life on the barricades.
Makes you enjoy your time with your own kid more
Basically, get away every chance you get, do nothing for her. Not your problem.
If you need specifics, you are welcome to message me. I need help in other areas, but this disengagement thing I got down pat. It's beautiful.
I agree, disengage. My DH
I agree, disengage.
My DH used to have SD 50/50 every other week, then a little over a year ago we got SD FULL TIME. Yep, every. single. day. BM does take her 1 day a week and pays no child support. Lucky me.
I know exactly what you mean about dreading her return and not being able to fully enjoy yourself and relax! I went through those same feelings for a LONG time. Now I am not able to dread her return because she is never gone lol! So try to look on the bright side (JK).
In all seriousness, disangege. Once I got the hang of it, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I no longer cared what SD ate, drank, wore, what time she went to bed, how she behaved, etc. LET THE PARENTS PARENT (even if they don't). I highly recommend it!
I am feeling the exact same
I am feeling the exact same way as you. The SS's moved in last winter, and this summer they both went to their mom's and never once told us what they were up to, came to get clothes, no nothing. To me it was rude to just bugger off and not say anything. However, we had a great summer without them!
But I am always on pins and needles, waiting for them to show up. My head filled with things I will say to DH and them. I am becoming obsessed with it. I don't go more than 30 minutes of my day before I start to think about them, how much I dislike the situation, how I will have a comeback for anything they say. It has gotten REALLY out of control. My mind is being fried, I am letting myself go insane. To the point that I have made an appt with a doctor. Maybe I need anti-anxitey meds?
^^ Anxiety meds helped for
Maybe I should start
Maybe I should start drinking, too. LOL SD19 is at college and I am still on pins and needles and can't relax. SD13 is following in her footsteps by being a dumbass with a smartmouth, or else she plays cutie pie to DH. For the experts in disengaging, HOW in the world do you let your house go to crap? I just can't stand that part. I have tried to be disengaged since July but the house looks awful if I don't breeze through it (i.e. the kitchen) and clean up a little. I have made a chore list that is holding SD13 somewhat accountable, but I don't know if I could ignore everyone completely.
~ Moon
It's really hard, especially
It's really hard, especially in the beginning. Even though you disengage, you should not allow anyone to disrespect you or your home. The skids still need to clean up after themselves (if they can't due to age or if they are just lazy and won't do it, DH needs to do it for them or find a way to make them do it). The main point is disengaging is for you to stress LESS, not more.
I'll give you my personal example. When DH and I first moved in together, I was very concerned with what SD was eating (she was and still is an extremely picky eater), what time she went to bed (I wanted to make sure she didn't stay up all night and wouldn't be tired all day in school), whether or not she brushed her teeth, washed her hands, the outfits she wore- all those things that a parent is responsible for. I really did have good intentions, but it all completely backfired on me. SD didn't want to listen to me and DH did not want to make her listen to me.
Disengaging gave me freedom and forced DH to parent SD. They may not parent the way you want them to or the way you would do it yourself, but at least they are doing something. Try and remove yourself from the parent role as much as possible and you should see much less stress in your life!
It's so difficult but I will
It's so difficult but I will try......
"Go ask your father.....Go ask your father......" LOL
Thanks for the replies...I am
Thanks for the replies...I am mostly disengaged. I don't do anything for the skid. I don't care what she does or how she feels. I mostly just go to my bedroom when she is here, unless she is in her bedroom. But get this sh*t. Little b isn't even here yet. She will be in 2 hours though. SD12 had her mommy(who is a loser), call my DH complaining that SD thinks I HATE her. I don't HATE any kid, but I don't like her at all. Who would like a skid that after you moved out and then moved back in threw a huge month long fit over it because she didn't want me in me and Dh's own home??? Who would like that? Her dad totally ignores her(because she is such a pain in the ass but that is NOT MY FAULT. I ingnore her because shes not my kid to be bothered with. The first year or so, I really tried to bond with her, but then I found out who she is and now I have no desire to bond with her. I wish she would just live with her mom full time.
Had I known how my SD felt about me and BD13 coming back, I would have never came back here. BECAUSE ITS NOTHING BUT CONFLICT.
Do whatever they recommend to
Do whatever they recommend to do when dealing with a narcissistic psychopath: Make yourself less available physically and emotionally for them.
When she enters the house, say hello and how was your week-listen to the answer, say "that's good" and get busy with something else. End of discussion with her for that day.
When she trashes the house, you leave it for DH to see, then draw attention to the fact that you do not have time or energy to do whatever HE needs, because you are cleaning after his messy unruly kid. He will hate sharing his needs/wants with his kid (because,after all, his kid got her narcissism from him).
Whe she brings up needs/wants, start with "Honey, ask your parents", then graduate to "hmmm", then culminate with "..." while you are walking away...
When she mentions drama or crap about what BM or the rest of her Spawn Family say and do, you refer to my previous line "..." (aka disinterested silence)
When she lies and is nasty, you immediately start bragging about something your AMAZING daughter does well, and BTW, you just remembered that you were on your way to the mall/ice cream store to reward DD for her good deeds-without SD, of course.
Basically, ignore her and reward your DD e Rey time SD says or does something negative.
Once you break her and re-establish proper boundaries and awareness of her own negative actions, you can choose to re-engage.
LIKE I tell my kids:You either make good choices, or I will make them FOR YOU!