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Emotions of being a step mom

ms_peterson's picture

Submitted by ms_peterson on Sun, 09/09/2012 - 8:39pm

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Blended Family Issues

:? I absolutely love my SDs, 4 and 7. They are wonderful. Their father is likewise wonderful. Lately, however, I've been having an internal struggle regarding what I say to the kids. My fiancee tends to be defensive about them (which I assume I would be as well if I had my own children), and I don't want to upset or offend him. So before I say anything, I worry about it relentlessly. I sit and brew and keep things to myself (little things, like "omg...these kids need to say 'excuse me' after they fart and burp" lol). I get frustrated and my fiancee can tell I'm frustrated, but since I do give my input on a lot of things I don't want to commit overkill by letting everything out! How can I deal with these frustrations in a healthy way without straining my relationship with my FDH?

Also, how can I get the image of him having been with Satan (their mom) in a sexual relationship out of my head? Anytime she gets anywhere near him at sports practice, court, etc., I cringe and want to jump on her like a spider monkey. I know he's coming home with me, and I know he despises her. I just feel like he needs to wash anytime she's within ten feet of him. LOL. How can I counter these annoying (yet baseless) thoughts?

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sun, 09/09/2012 - 9:24pm

Were you a virgin when you met him? If not, everytime you feel a spider monkey coming on, remember... you have a past, too.
Don't let the past ruin your future. Focus on what you have now, not what he "used" to have.

ms_peterson's picture

Submitted by ms_peterson on Sun, 09/09/2012 - 9:36pm

So true! Thank you for reminding me of that. Now how about the first part of my post? How do I deal with my frustrations?

Stepcop's picture

Submitted by Stepcop on Sun, 09/09/2012 - 10:45pm

Try to relax a little. You can dh, um...maybe the kids could say excuse me when they cut one or burp, it's kind of gross. Just try not to push on EVERYTHING, be gentle. Anytime you point out their little angels are less than angelic they will get defenive, just remember to remind them they want polite (fingers crossed), functioning adults when they re older. Suggest and then move on,...it's his fight.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Mon, 09/10/2012 - 12:43am

Yep - I agree with stepcop - figure out which behaviours bug you the most and gently work on those (through DH)

A few things at a time, so it doesn't seem like a constant stream of criticism against his babies Wink and make it about what kind of adults he is raising?

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Mon, 09/10/2012 - 9:02am

I'm still laughing at Spider Monkey. LOL I've nicknamed DH's ex "Wildebeest". I can sometimes totally forget her actual name. A friend of mine has named her Husbands Ex, The Hyena. Now you want to pounce like a Spider Monkey. What's with us and these animal references? Lol

Ondasash's picture

Submitted by Ondasash on Mon, 09/10/2012 - 11:38am

I'm feeling the same way about BM and SO. I'm trying to handle my emotions about it w/o popping off for the past. I have a past as well but it just doesn't seem right for him to have one. Especially since my sons Bio father isn't around and my SD's BM is. I have to deal with her. My SO doesn't have to deal Bio father of my son.... so irritating lol :? .

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 10:03am

Stick a Fork is absolutely right and that never helped me. I was going to comment here but it is getting way too long and I've been tossing the idea of putting in a blog post on this subject anyway so... I'm going to do so. Give me about 20 min because I have A LOT to say and then ms_peterson and especially stick a fork, could you go over and provide your thoughts? Stick a Fork, how did you get so brilliant? LOL

buterfly_2011's picture

Submitted by buterfly_2011 on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 11:03am

The other day I caught myself thinking about DH and his ex. And I got for a moment insecure and angry. But then reminded myself oh how many times he has told me he never knew love until he met me and now has a healthy relationship. I know my DH cringes every time he thinks of one of my ex's. I think it's natural at times to think of those things. But to always remind yourself there is a reason why they aren't together. And leave it at that. The first time I had to be around BM was awful for me. I had thousands of things running through my mind and in return I ended up having a really shitty day. Probably because we had to spend it with her.... the kids were baptized then we had to go to her home for a "get together" so from 9am until about 5pm I was forced to sit and hang out and be happy. All the while watching SD17 trying to pull her bullshit regarding her mom and dad.......

My SS's burp, fart and one will even whine as loud as he can to get attention (he is 10) and by whine I mean full on do the baby whine as loud as possible. And he refuses to get dressed till around 1 or 2pm. Hanging out in nothing but his underwear. Those things DROVE me CRAZY this summer. But I ignored them. Let DH handle it or not handle it. I figured the raising of them wasn't going to be on my lap. So I just let it go. And it was HARD....... some things just aren't worth going after. Those are them.

Good Luck.