Am I too sensitive to SD behavior?
I'd like an honest reality check, and ask you all if it is just me...Background: My fiancee and I have been together for 13 years and have lived together for 5 and love each other very deeply. His daughters are 23 and 25. He had custody of them growing up, and they are all very close. The problem that I'm having is with the older daughter.
She has had some problem with me since I moved in, but it was bearable, because she was away at school most of the time. She moved home after college months ago, and I've been miserable since. She seems to go out of her way to make sure that everyone in house knows that she is "Daddy's" favorite, and excludes me from every conversation, activity, etc. She lives in our home, doesn't work (she didn't want to work over the summer)and treats our home like her castle. If she wants something, she takes it..... doesn't ask. She tells my fiancee and I that she's having a friend stay for the summer. She empties the kitchen (food, dishes, pans) and stocks her kitchen (we have a two family house, she has her own apartment in the house). She "shops" in our pantry, leaves a mess in the laundry room, leaves dishes in the sink, and seems to think that I'm the maid. And to make it worse, she and her boyfriend come and go through the house at anytime of the day, so my fiancee and I have zero privacy.
I'm sure that I've been handling this very poorly. I've just checked out. I barely can be civil to her, so I just don't engage at all. She's all sweetness when "Daddy" is around, but when he's not, she ignores me.
We've gone to therapy as a family. She's said that she doesn't have a problem with me, but "wants what she wants, when she wants it", and that respecting me/my belongs/my boundaries gets in the way of what she wants. My fiancee doesn't want to see that she's being selfish and self-centered, so he excuses it.
I'm so frustrated, and very close to moving out over this. My fiancee and I are arguing over the lack of support I'm feeling and I can't see an end in sight. The stress of being in the house is overwhelming me.
Any thoughts on how to manage through this?
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Comments
She's 25?!? She needs a
She's 25?!? She needs a J.O.B. And an apt.
Echo and Oi Vey, Thank you!!
Echo and Oi Vey,
Thank you!! I so needed this response! I've been doubting myself and thinking that I'm the evil witch.
NO, you're not being the evil
NO, you're not being the evil witch.
Hell, I was married with 4 kids and a mortgage by 25!
I can't even imagine living with daddy...ewww...
Ha! This is priceless!!!!!
Ha! This is priceless!!!!! Next stop.....Victoria's Secret!
Honestly, the therapist is
Honestly, the therapist is pretty silent. She just suggests that we need to talk and figure this out, but doesn't give recommendations or suggestions. May be time for a different therapist.
wow. she's not helpful at
wow. she's not helpful at all.
I think i'd have to tell DH
I think i'd have to tell DH there is only room for one adult woman in this home. His daughter needs to be on her own. I was out of the house supporting myself well before 25.
Time to move. I'm just waiting for the day for SO to ask me about SD moving in (after 18). he'll get a flat out no. Actually, he'd get a no no matter what age now.
What a miserable way to feel
What a miserable way to feel in your own home. She's way too old to pull this on you. If you decide you want to continue your relationship with your fiancee for the long term, I suggest you get married. It should not be this way, but as long as you are a fiancee, she may not get the message. Her father marrying you may make things clear.
This may be the wrong advice, it just seems that way to me. I am not saying to marry just for that reason, but if you are to be together, marriage may help your status.
I don't think this girl will
I don't think this girl will ever take OP seriously. Marriage or not. The daughter just needs to get out of the house. The daughter too old.
sofrustrated- you don't have to end the relationship, but your home should be comfortable. You can live elsewhere and be comfortable.
Move out. Tell your FH/fiance
Move out. Tell your FH/fiance that there can only be one adult woman running his home and as his daughter was there first, she trumps you. He will deny of course. At this stage you point out she takes things and does not have a job. So her job can be taking care of her father. Of course you can stay engaged and he can 'visit' you in your new place. However you cannot return to be the woman of the house with someone else there.
It doesn't matter if it is his daughter, his sister, his mother. He is allowing someone else to take your place and has no respect for personal boundaries.
I suspect he will either send her packing and tell her to get a job or he will sob as you walk away from his life and wonder what he ever did wrong. Either way, you win.
Why is your husband letting
Why is your husband letting his 25 year old adult daughter live in your home without a job? Let alone, run the house like she owns it?? Have you not spoken to him about this boundary crossing?
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and suggestions. While I hate the "right answer", the events of tonight together with your observations tells me the answer to this problem to move out.
When talking to my SO tonight, we talked about a family vacation that we have had planned for a few months, but is coming upon us quickly. I shared that I think this is a really bad time for thi strip, and we should postpone it. Sadly, his response answered any questions I may have had. He said, "If you're not going to go and make it fun for yourself, I'll just go away with my daughters and do something that they want to do". Yes....that was the sound of my relationship being flushed....and my heart breaking.
I'm so sorry. He's playing
I'm so sorry. He's playing the "I'll just take my kids and go play elsewhere" game.
In the end, they choose skids. One day he will be alone.
Honey,I feel for you but
Honey,I feel for you but really 13 years & no wedding? You were doomed long before you moved in. Find someone who can appreciate & respect you.