DH doesn't see his ex-wife's manipulation or games, and how much it is hurting me.
She has hated me from day one. While they had already been separated when we met, she blames me for the breakdown of their marriage. They have 3 children together, ages 8, 15 and 18. During the duration of their divorce, about 8 months, she did everything in her power to turn his kids against him and myself. She made every hateful and nasty comment about me to him in front of their children. She has called me whore and home-wrecker. She involved her poor children by fighting in front of them, showing all of her emotion and pain openly for them to suffer along with her. She has torn me down and picked apart everything about me from the way I style my hair, the clothes I wear, the makeup on my face, to my figure, my personality and even my character, all before we had ever met. She made every effort to win him back including throwing herself at him, showing up at his house unannounced, making passes and trying to lure him into her bed. She has done her best to turn him and their children against me, all to no avail. They absolutely LOVE me! His children are completely and delightfully wonderful and I love them dearly! I also have children, 9 and 13, and they all get along perfectly! I couldn’t possibly ask for a better situation on that front.
The problem is this….he does not see her manipulative ways and her little games that torment me. I believe he has much guilt over the breakup and the great pain that it caused his children. He has confessed this to her and I believe she uses this against him. You see I live in another state, quite some distance from their family home. He made the choice to come live with me (as I am not able to leave the state due to shared custody with my children’s father) with full intentions of being there for his children as much as possible. We travel to see them at every opportunity (at least once a month), they come to visit us (two weeks at a time) and we are all in constant contact. She is left at their family home with very little friends (and I can see why) and no family around for support. She has guilted and harassed him about his decision to move away and on some levels (as a mother myself) I can understand her concerns. But he (we) has made every effort to stay in touch and be involved. His children in no way feel neglected by their father and have openly confessed this. Despite her efforts to destroy their relationships, they are closer than ever! So much more communication, openness, and closeness than when they were living under the same roof! And yet she still feels justified in asking that he relinquish his parental rights?! Yes, she actually asked him to relinquish his rights because he left them! To me, I feel like this is a game, piling on heaping loads of more guilt!
She is constantly texting and calling him, of course, not on our home phone, but on his cell. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s always during work hours when she knows I am not around. And while she claims that the constant contact is in the interest of the kids, (and so does he) then why do the conversations involve her newest boyfriend, how cute he is, and how good he makes her feel, her office drama at work, the anniversary of their break-up, etc…all including cute little smileys and winkies? Yep, you guessed it….games. It’s as if she is “the other woman”. Problem is I know about her and am expected to live with it. I am expected to put on a happy face and act like “besties” as she does when we are around each other. Yea, she sure is friendly to my face….
I do understand that she is working thru her own grieving process and dealing with issues of loss (loss of a marriage that in her idealistic view was a perfect fairytale until I came along and destroyed it all, though that is the farthest from the truth), but would it be so much to ask that when she belittles me, when she calls me names, when she refers to me as the “hurricane” that came along and tore their family apart and attacks my character that he stand up to her and defend the woman he has chosen to love? Is it too much to ask that when she approach him with her personal business and intimate issues, sending inappropriate text after text, that he refuse to be a party to it. That he lay some boundries where their relationship is concerned?
Please do not misunderstand me; I believe wholeheartedly in exes getting along and co-parenting for the sake of the children and for general peace of mind. My ex and I have great communication regarding our children. We do not fight. We work together in the care and disciplinary actions taken for the betterment of our children. We are both open and flexible in the time spent with the children. We actually get along better now than when we were married! What we DO NOT do is carry on with each other about our personal business, share details about our current relationships, and/or belittle, berate, and under-mind the others new partners.
I know that I don’t have it that bad. I know there are some real psycho ex-wives running loose out there. And I know that there are some “second wives” who would love to be in my shoes. But this is my fear; Her treatment of me and the games she plays, his inability or unwillingness (not sure which) to acknowledge these games, and his fear (or guilt)of hurting her feelings hindering him from putting his foot down and standing up for me is eventually going to strain our relationship. I love him dearly. He is my soul-mate. But I fear what damage she will do to us both.
Your husband is the problem,
Your husband is the problem, not BM. He gave her the green light to rip you apart. He has made the choice to chit chat with her about her life.
Some men like to play dumb, but they know what exactly what is going on. He still has a connection beyond the kids with his exwife.
1Fun, I went through the
1Fun,
I went through the same thing with my DH. I will tell you it is a process to change your DH's mindset.
First off I would let him know that you find it offensive and highly inappropriate for him to talk to her (or any other woman) about anything other than the children and that it is HIS responsibility to control the conversation.
These are the things we did even though my DH was reluctant at first he agreed, because I had enough and said it was time he decided if he was over his EX or not.
That he was emotionally cheating with his EX and I would not live in a relationship with cheating (of any kind) and did not care if they had been married for 40 years and had 12 children together.
Our List:
>If she called while he was at work he agreed to let it go to voicemail and only call her back immediately if it was a REAL emergency concerning the Child. He started letting me listen to her messages when he got home.
>He told her that if she needed to call and talk about the children that she could do it after work and to always call the house phone not his cell. She got mad but he stuck with it and did not answer his cell.
>He does not TEXT her. We have tried to utilize email instead of her calling about every little thing but she refuses. Set up and email account with both your names on it.
>He tries to cut her off/change the subject when she starts talking about her business and her life.
>He does not always call her back. He is not at her beck and call anymore. Sometimes he will just call the child directly and talk to him.
>He has LIMITED contact with her. Instead of talking to her every day at least once or twice a day it is now more like once a month or 6 weeks unless it is an emergency. Not everything is an emergency and needs to be discussed.
Your Step children are old enough they should be on a schedule and minor things can be passed between the oldest children and their mother or father. Or maybe a notebook passed back and forth. Stop the verbal conversation and non-stop Text.
Your DH needs to emotionally seperate himself from her!
Again, I will repeat what one person put on here and it stuck with me so I used it on my DH over and over until he got it.
BOTTOM LINE:
"If you did not have a child/ren together would this be acceptable behaviour in our marriage? It is just plain wrong to use the fact that you have children together to carry on an inappropriate relationship with another woman".
I totally feel your pain as I
I totally feel your pain as I am in a similar situation. My husband's ex calls him all the time and emails him all the time and he takes time out of his day to talk with her even though most often he is too busy to do this with me. By the way, I have to watch my stepchildren all summer as I work in a school and have summer off. I am starting to believe what the others say....maybe my husband is still in love with his ex. Maybe it will always be this way. idk
nervoussm, I am not sure how
nervoussm,
I am not sure how long you have been together or how old the children are but there needs to be some gradual improvement as time goes on and the children get older.
If there is not than I would ask myself and DH why.
IMHO, by the time you have been together for 2 years you should see less communication with the EX. By the time the children are in their early teens the children should be on a schedule and there should be less verbal communication between the parents.
Email is an excellent tool to communicate small things like drop offs/ pick up changes, etc. Or a notebook in the backpack.
Your husband and BM should
Your husband and BM should not get free child care just because you have the summers off.
Y
I'm a teacher. DF has his girls for the month of July. They are going to camp. I'm not going to spend summer sitting for DF and BM.
Your husband needs to get
Your husband needs to get over his guilt and set some boundaries. I have been where you are but was lucky as my husband would have none of her games. In the beginning, I sometimes had to point out her manipulation tactics but he caught on pretty quick!
Your husband's ex is bitter and angry that he did not go back to her. She tells him about her life to try and prove she is happy without him (and maybe make him jealous?), when in fact, people like her are miserable and only feel good if they are making someone else miserable (our ex is like this).
My advice would be to have a heart to heart with your husband, tell him how you feel and try to convince him he has no reason to feel guilty, and does not need to cow down to his ex. He is a good dad. She has failed at destroying his relationship with his kids, so he must be doing something right as far as they are concerned. She is the one who does not have their best interest at heart.
It would be helpful if you could get him to admit what's really going on. Is he afraid of her? Is he worried she might keep the kids from him? Why is he not standing up to her for you (and for himself).
My bf cant stand his ex...she
My bf cant stand his ex...she is quite the gold digging, cheating, whore and he loathes her and wants nothing to do with her, communication or otherwise!
So...I offered to deal with her and he gladly accepted and was totally ok with it! What we did was this....my bf put me on his cell phone plan. We blocked his ex's phone number on his current number and we sent her a text from my phone saying that was HIS new number..so now when she texts/calls she is REALLY texting me and she doesnt even know it. I put her right in her place!!! If a text has nothing to do with kid or kid related it is ignored. Period. And/Or I will fwd him what she says and he will either tell me what to text back or he will tell me to write whatever I want because he knows that I would never say anything to her that would get him in trouble or that could be used against him in court etc. If she calls his phone then I wont answer and let it go to vmail. So essentially she gets nowhere with me and gets put in her place...and we are both happy with this arrangement because we are both kept in the loop and if she says or tries anything I KNOW what is going on!!!!
Bottom line is your SO needs to respect YOUR feelings! You are the woman he is with NOW and made the choice to be with so your feelings should be his number one priority. If my bf EVER put his ex before me on ANYTHING I would give him hell and he would either change or I would exit stage left!!! I come second to no one...and you should stand up for yourself and realize that you and your feelings shouldnt come second either!!! Keep us posted...I wish you the best!!!!
Honestly, I can't tell you
Honestly, I can't tell you all how much this helps me. I have felt (and he has made me feel) as if I were making a big deal out of nothing. I can't even begin to explain the gut-wrenching pain I feel when I see their texts and hear of how she manipulates him. What is hard for me to make him understand is how offensive and hurtful it is to me that he does nothing to stop it. By allowing her to behave this way, he has given her complete control. Control over their relationship AND control over ours. I know that this is hindering her from moving forward with her life without him. Why should she? Now instead of having a husband of her own, she gets to have a personal relationship with mine! And don’t think for one second that she isn’t enjoying every second of it!
My hopes and dreams for the future were the DH and I together as a TEAM. Ya know…You and me against the world baby!
But alas no; it’s him in the middle, her on one side, and me on the other. Don’t tell anyone, but the rope never wins in the game tug of war….
Girl, I have been in your
Girl, I have been in your shoes and let me tell you now, DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS!!!! Yes, it may seem trivial on the surface, but the effects it can have, wreaking havoc on your emotions, draining your spirit, and diminishing the love and admiration you have for you DH can lead you down a path you do not want to go! Been there, done that! It ended badly.
I had this EXACT same situation in my first marriage. BM was oh so friendly and sweet face to face. HA! You ever heard that saying “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”? This was that b*tches mantra! The FBI couldn’t investigate as well as she could!
Everything you have stated is the exact same as what I went thru. The hubby wouldn’t see it; he was not even approachable to talk about it. That was the mother of his children and he would maintain a friendship with her. Period. Well, that worked out great for us didn’t it!
I battled with this situation for 3 years with no relief. The constant calling, emailing, texting, etc. The jabs at me, the jabs at him, the guilt she threw at him for leaving her and their kids, the comments about her new romances, the comments about her hot neighbor, the references to their past, the oh so solemn remembrance of their anniversaries. I felt belittled and unimportant. Not because of her behavior, but because he allowed it to continue and would not stand up for me. Bottom line, he is in a relationship with her and he doesn’t give a sh*t if you like it or not! She is now his emotional affair!
Truth of the matter was this; He had not emotionally separated from her. He came to this stunning revelation 2 years after I had had enough and walked out the door! He felt responsible for her; he felt that he had an obligation to be there for her since he had hurt her so bad. In the mean time, he had no idea that he was destroying the one relationship he cared most about, ours!
The last straw came for me when I heard from a close friend that she was bragging all over town at what a stupid sucker I was. That he still loved her and regrets ever leaving her, that I had no idea how much she and he talked, that I was oblivious to all of their chatting and the personal things they talked about. She bragged that she had the best of both worlds; half of his paycheck, ALL of his attention, and none of the bullsh*t!
IT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE IF YOU ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE!!! Put an end to it NOW!
Is your husband like this
Is your husband like this with everyone he encounters? I'm beginning to see that my DH is very passive and non-confrontational with everyone. Me, ex-wife, family, co-workers...he just hates to go against the grain or argue. Period. I still wish he would speak up to his ex-wife...in fact the only time he has expressed anger to his ex was when he found out that during the divorce she gained full-custody so she could get more child support. That's the only time he "argued" with her and it makes me angry that he lets everyone walk all over him. Why do some men do this?