DH calling BM every single morning on drive to work....
So I just checked DH's phone records and see that his pattern is to call and/or receive a call from BM every single morning on his commute to work. Not too long of conversations - adveraging between 5 and 10 minutes. But still.
Mind you this is the same guy who sets NO boundries with BM, and I mean NONE AT ALL! Allows her to talk shit about me, our relationship, call me names, remember their anniversaries and special days, etc. Allows her to text, call, and chat it up for any reason, any time she feels. He responds to her instantly and always. She says call....he does. She texts (any hour of day) he texts back. He has not once defended me against her, not will he even ask her to not discuss me and/or our relationship. She has free rein to do and say as she pleases. This is also the DH that I found out was texting BM only moments before our wedding! I am so damn humiliated by his behaivior I feel like I can't even breathe!
The other night I literally had a nervous breakdown when I confronted him about all of this and his responce is the same as it always has been....Gee, sorry it hurt your feelings, I didn't mean anything by it, she is perfectly harmless, etc... Oh and the greatest excuse is a classic: "I don't want to cause any friction for fear that she will keep my kids from me."
Ohhh, I am so sick of the bullshit!!! OMG Somebody help me...I am about to crack!!!
time to make him choose... BM
time to make him choose... BM or YOU... if he doesn't have enough respect for you to put a stop to her calling you names, then bye! "see ya buddy... have fun raising your kids without me!"
OH HELL TO THE FUCKING
OH HELL TO THE FUCKING NO!!!!!!
Girl, this guy is a lowlife. You already know you made a huge mistake with this bumbbling idiot, and you already know what you need to do.....RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Not myself or any other self respecting woman would put up with shit like this!
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW!!!!
No woman needs to put up with that! If my DH couldn't pull up his panties and be a big boy I would send his ass packin faster than he could respond to her morning text!
I'm sorry but you DH has not a sigle shred of dignity. He is scum and should be treated as scum. Kick his sorry butt to the curb...maybe the ex mrs will come and scoop him up, I'm sure she could use another roll of toilet paper around to wipe her ass with. Hell, It's what she's doing anyway. Fucking bitch!
Yeah, screw that. I actually
Yeah, screw that. I actually agree with the first poster. Not big on ultimatums as the one issuing usually loses but something seriously needs to happen for you. Either he mans up or you leave.
Why is everyone's 1st advise
Why is everyone's 1st advise always to leave? Doesn't anyone on here believe in marriage?
I agree that this guy is a real loser. I can't even imagine what my wife would do with my balls if I tried any of this stuff. But then again, I would never behaive this way. He is out of control crazy if he thinks ANY of this is ok.
That being said, my advise is marraige counceling. Not divorce! Get the help you need with this guy (and HE MOST DEFINATELY NEEDS HELP!), and try to make things work. He obviously loves you if he just married you, he just has some major issues with understanding what is appropriate and what isn't. He's clueless!
Have you read her other
Have you read her other posts? There is no excuse or help for this guy! He has absolutely NO respect for her whatsoever!
She has repeatedly shared her feelings with him on this issue and he has done nothing to make things better! He is treating her like scum, making her life miserable, and it will only get worse! Texting the BM 5 minutes before their wedding!!!! Are you serious??? This guy should be shot! He has stepped all over her and left her in the dirt grasping for breathe!
I have no respect for scum like this! I have no doubt in my mind at all that 1- It will never get better and 2- She can do way better!!
Listen I don't respect scum
Listen I don't respect scum like this either and I agree with you on almost everything, but to say that it will never get better is not true. It may or it may not, but you cannot say for sure and encouraging divorce before finding this out is not the best idea.
What OP needs to do is show him all this and hopefully open his eyes to what is really happening here and then they need counceling. If he will not agree, then perhaps she has no choice but to leave. I can't imagine a woman having to live like this. I wouldn't want it for my wife, my daughters, my sisters, my cousins, or any of my female friends.
Listen, this is just my
Listen, this is just my opinion. There is no amount of counceling that can fix this man. He is low-life, ignorant, cross-bread SCUM. Not fixable.
I believe in marriage. But
I believe in marriage.
But I also believe in loving yourself a wee bit more than you love your spouse. I also believe in demanding that a SO treat you with respect. If he can't/won't, you should love/respect yourself enough to tell the loser to hit the road.
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I wish that my FDH ex was
I wish that my FDH ex was like you! I am sooo tired of her trying to weasle her way back into his life! She text every day "wat are you doing" BITCH it's none of your business. I'm about sick of it Sometimes he ignores her sometimes IDK what hes thinking he'll text back. I am not ok with this chit chat! Everyone says run But IDK that I am strong enough for that! And the bitch knows to only text while I am at work and he's not with me. She sure doesn' pull that shit on the weekends! I am not sure how to cope my stomache is knotted every day this week as she starts this shit again
I am being completely serious
I am being completely serious when I ask this? Is this man slow? He sounds like he has some mental issues. His stupidity is dumbfounding! Is there any way to check?
I thought about that too, but
I thought about that too, but OP is way too intellegent for that. She would have picked up on that long ago.
Unless someone is in the
Unless someone is in the hospital ten minutes a week is too much.
He obviously could care less about your feelings so you've got a choice to make. Are you ready to go it alone financially? I hope you are and will take this experience as a sign that you need to remain single until your children are grown. Then you find a similarily situated man - with adult children - or with no children at all to spend the rest of your life with.
I think you should try to get him into counseling if for no other reason so he can refuse and you can walk away saying you did your best.
I agree that 10 minutes a
I agree that 10 minutes a week is too much, but this is 5 to 10 minutes EVERY MORNING!!!!
Ya know what gets me riled up about all of this, is that we all know that the BM is just lovin every minute of this. She knows exactly what she's doing! Keeping the attentions of what she still considers HER man. She has him by the balls and she knows it! So if ever the OP and BM come in contact she can hold her head up high knowing she has the upper hand! And he is the bumbbling idiot that gave it to her!
It will come to bite him in the ass someday. Karma's a bitch!
UPDATE: I had a long talk
UPDATE:
I had a long talk with DH, showed him all of these responses both on this post and the previous post(which he wasn't too happy about) but it did give him some perspective that I was not able to give. He really was so incredibly clueless that even I am in shock! He really couldn't understand why any of this would bother me when I know exactly how he feels about her. He did understand that texting her right before our wedding was not wise and was sorry for it, but was not aware of the damage it had done to me or why. I think the biggest thing that was lacking in our previous conversations is "why". Knowing that something bothers me is one thing, understanding why it bothers me and what hurt is causes because of that "why" is completely different!
WOW! THEY WERE RIGHT....COMMUNICATION IS KEY!
Anyway, not only has he agreed that he needs to put his foot down, but he gave me his phone! I will not answer the phone of course, I will let him know if any of her texts are important or in anyway involving the kids, and my instructions are to respond to her texting as I see fit.
This should be interesting....
Excellent! I'm glad you made
Excellent! I'm glad you made some headway
Communication is absolutely vital for a successful marriage .. I'm glad you were were able to confront the issue and make real progress!
Best of luck for continued success!
I have to ask where there any
I have to ask where there any signs of this before? either way it needs to stop now and you have a right for it to stop...if this is just the beginning of your marriage and his relationship with his ex has brought you to this point already then there is a problem...AND the problem is NOT with you! My ex and I split when he was 1 year old and we coparented and coexisted without issues...I would never have overstepped my bounds or disrespected his wife by behaving this way.....I tend to think your DH wouldn't care for it if the shoe was on the other foot...I don't believe in ultimatums either but I would decide what you can and can't live with and explain it to him...he will make the right choice I am sure....he can retain his visitation/custody with out daily phone calls! I wish you the best...remember you COUNT and so do YOUR feelings..
My SO and BM used to
My SO and BM used to communicate a lot more than they do now (though I still think it's too much) and about anything and everything (just last summer she stood in the parking lot and talked to him for over 20 minutes about her relationship woes) but after 3 years of me saying nothing, I had a breakdown this past winter and just poured out everything I think about how he has never set boundaries, lets her say whatever she wants about me & our relationship that's none of her business! He's gotten "better" about keeping MOST communication regarding SDs but there's still times here & there it's not. That still bothers me. Just yesterday she had to text him to find out if SDs (12 & 13) got their school schedules and pictures taken. To me, that is something she can ask SDs. She got them phones when they were 8 & 9 so she can keep in touch with them on his weeks ... and now that they are in 7th & 8th grades, I think they can answer a lot more questions from SO & BM rather than the 2 of them communicating. I still find it very hard to deal with when they communicate like that. I've said stuff plenty to him about it and he will make an attempt for a short period of time and then it goes right back to what I perceive to be too much. BM does EVERYTHING for the girls and I've told him they need to step up in having some responsibility so a lot more "planning" can be done through them and he & BM don't need to detail every little thing. I know it's something I have to "let go" off, more or less. I can't control what he does, what BM does. I would venture to guess he's never told BM anything about communicating less via text and about non-kid related topics ... he's afraid of her for some reason ... after 4 years I still can't get him to fess up what hold she has on him and why! We have talked marriage and trying to have a child of our own and I explain to him that if/when that happens, I don't want her non-ER communication cutting into OUR family time ... or even now as a couple, I don't like their non-ER communication cutting into our time together. Sometimes I feel like I almost have to give him an ultimatum - do as I request (b/c when you don't or you seem lax on it, I feel disrespected) or I'm done. But then I see him make some kind of effort or witness something she does to piss him off and I think ok now he's going to "get it." Then he just forgets about it and it all goes back to the way it was (I guess men are better about letting go off the ridiculousness??). I just feel that she disrespected me soooo bad for over 2 years, almost 3, into our relationship and if the situation were reversed, I would have stood up to my ex from the beginning for disrespecting my partner and would not have just let that person go on & on ...
To me, it's a lot about trying to get them to understand our feelings on it (BM had a child when SO married her and the father was not involved so I don't think he sees my point of view about "helping to raise someone else's kid" or my views on the communication that I perceive as excessive). And I've tried to explain them .... but so often I just feel like I'm going to come off as some jealous, crazy GF and I don't want to be that person ... I want to be the person that can just ignore the stuff that doesn't deal with me ... but as I consider the future, and even now, I live in this household too and last minute plans, non-ER communication cutting into all of our time (with or w/o SDs here) DOES AFFECT ME! Trying to find the balance between our own communication and their communication is difficult for me ... not being in control of everything is difficult for me ... so I know there's things I need to work on, but there's also more respect that I feel I need (and not all of it is in relation to his communication with BM so I think sometimes those other areas melt into it as well).
I'm glad you said something to him (I wish I would have said something A LOT sooner than 3 1/2 years into my relationship) ... I hope for your case his being clueless to your feelings/views on it kicks into gear and realizes how it affects you ... Depending on the age of your skids, maybe encourage him to communicate more with them (if they are old enough to say we're ready to be picked up, we got this note from school b/c this is going on/coming up, etc). Our feelings are important and we need to be supportive of our SOs ... but if we aren't feeling supported as well (even in them attempting to understand where we are coming from), it's hard to reciprocate.
What was so important in my
What was so important in my situation was getting him to understand "why" this communication bothered me so much! He is a man and thinks like a man, which is in no way similar to the way a woman thinks. I first had to explain to him how a woman thinks!
He has all alone claimed that she is perfectly harmless and very much helpless. That she is so clueless that she just HAS to come to him with every little thing. And every little thing is a big deal to her. He says he can't stand her neediness, but what can he do, Not answer when she calls? What if it's something about his kids? (Who BTW live a long distance away.) Should he not answer her texts? What is the point of being rude or difficult? I explained to him that I understand his point of view, but that he needed to understand both my point of view AND HERS!
1- Women play games. Learn it and don't ever forget it! They ARE and WILL BE sly as a fox, sleek as an eel, slimy as a snake and dirty as a dog when push comes to shove. No woman is exempt - that shit is BUILT IN! Learn it!!!!
2- No woman plays the game better than a jaded, rejected woman!
3- She is in NO WAY Clueless, Helpless, or Needy!!! This is her way of staying in control!!!! She has your attentions by keeping you in constant contact and she knows it! She is testing your loyalty to me and while you may think you are simply "keeping the peace", she is translating your open communication as victories that she still has the attentions of MY MAN! How am I supposed to hold my head up high as his proud wife, when she is doing the same?
4- This is not a game to mess with you, for her; this is a game to mess with ME! She is a WOMAN! She knows that no woman including herself would want their man chatting it up all day every day with any other woman! She is using her care of the children to keep you on your toes at her whim. By going along with her game, you are actually helping her win the game in her eyes. This is humiliation for me. This is a slap in the face and she knows it even if you don’t.
5- She knows exactly what she is doing! She knows that you have no clue and that you have no feelings toward her, don't need her, and could really care less. But she knows (or hopes) that I will have a clue, that I will have feelings about it, and that I care...a lot! She wants for nothing more than to be able to rub it in my face and brag to all her friends that while I may have HER MAN, she still has all of his attention! These are all victories for her leaving her feel like she is in complete control. It is time for that connection to be broken and for her to be put in her place. I am your wife now, and the sooner she accepts that the better!
7- He is the most non-confrontational person I have ever met. She knows that (she was married to the man for 22 years!) and she knows that she can do or say whatever she wants about me with no re-butte or consequence. It is time that the person she thinks she knows so well (another attachment issue) blow her mind and do something completely out of character! If you can’t manage to do it yourself, then I will!
That is when he handed his cell phone over to me and said “have at it”.
!!!!!!
Plan of action:
1- Never, ever, no matter what the case, NEVER let her know or even have a clue that any of this has ever bothered me! I can play the game too and as far as she knows, I could care less if he chats it up, talks, and texts with her all day long! I know that her ex is madly in love with me and I am not at all threatened by the likes of her!
2- I will answer her text as need be and with what is appropriate. Contact him only when necessary. Trust me, 9 time out of 10 it is NOT necessary!
3- No more answering calls. If she Complains about this when they do speak (in the evening, at our home), he will explain to her that he doesn’t have time for idle chit chat and will call back if it is important.
4- I am just waiting for that bitch to say one nasty thing about me or our relationship!!! Hahaha, 1- It will be the last time she tries that again and 2- She will be scratching her head wondering when and how he grew the balls to stand up to her! Hahahaha!!!
I CAN’T WAIT!
Tee it up, step back and take
Tee it up, step back and take a swing! FUN stuff
~Mel
Sometimes we need to say what
Sometimes we need to say what needs to be said . . . DH is still sleeping with her! Now it's time for you to decide what you are going to do.
Um, she lives 13 hours away
Um, she lives 13 hours away and he has not been in her presence one single time without me in the past 1.5 years. So yea. Doubt it.
Oh and 5 to 10 minutes is a
Oh and 5 to 10 minutes is a long time . . .
Glad it all worked out for
Glad it all worked out for you!
We had to do that with my husband's ex because she always wanted to call and vent to him about her issues in life. I told him that she couldn't do that with him anymore. He was not her husband OR friend. He is the father to their child so all that really needs to be discussed is issues about their daughter. He agreed and told her just that. Plus , it doesn't hurt that he hates her. The only thing I miss about it is we used to laugh at all the fucked up shit that she did , but it's better this way.
She'll still attempt to chat with him , but he ignores her. It's also helpful to make the ex VERY aware that your husband shares EVERYTHING with you. I think they sometimes will pretend that these are private conversations like our husband actually wouldn't tell us.
Good luck
I actually had FH read this
I actually had FH read this the other night. He didn't say anything, being as I read his text and saw that've was just chit charting with his ex about everything but SS about a week ago and called him out on it. Thanks for helping me put it into perspective for him ladies on just how much this shit irritates us all.
Thank you gals do much for
Thank you gals do much for this post!!! I am going thru a lot right now with my DH & this & all the honest comments helped me put this into perspective!!!!!
I just cannot seem to "get thru" to DH. We have been together 2 years & just recently had my heart broken all over again because of him & BMs caulousness of the other people involved her (both remarried) !!
Regardless of if our DHs that do this, even if they live hours away from each other--- it's still having an Emotional Affair & that is sometimes much harder for Us, the wife, to get over & regain some sort of trust in our DHs!! IT'S PAINFUL!!!
Our Marriage is very much in jeopardy right now!! I found out that he broke off his emotional affair with her, BM, up until she got remarried last year-- AFTER we got married (about 6 mos). I'm beyond devastated. I'm crushed. & now I question what was real in my marriage & what wasn't real.
IF your having these problems with your man & your not married yet--- I'd STRONGLY advise you NOT to commit to him until he commits to getting rid of her first!!!!! I saw signs along the way- he lied so well to me- and I was foolish enough to believe him!! I was naive & so in love. Grrrr. He took advantage of that & of me!!
Truth is: he Doesn't RESPECT me!!!!! & now I pray that with Counseling it may get better-- & that is SQUARELY on Him!!! (& on Me not to allow it anymore!!!!)
Please RESPECT yourselves ladies, so you don't end up where I am right now!!!
I am very glad I found this
I am very glad I found this post! FDH ex is crazy in love with him still I swear. he did have an "affair or thing" with her after I met him! I left ended up getting back with him stupid me he said that he "didn't know what he had until I was gone and that sleeping with her again just made him realize that he really didn't need her bla bla" I am not sure why I gave in and got back with him. I do love him dearly but since then My trust has been squashed! BM will be great and have as little communication as possible while she is in a realationship but once her relationship is done (few months at most) Shes back to trying to get FDH back! this bitch does not give up! He is normally very open and honest with me when she texts or calls or anythign though I think he doesn't well I know he hides small stuff from me to spare my feelings. Unfortunatly since I have been hurt and the trust isn't all there I still look for my self. Through his phone and at the records on occasion. A few months ago she told him "I miss you and I want my family back I won't be happy until I have that" Yea well he simply said "what do you want from me" which isn't bad but it's not telling her to screw herself either. Lately she will text some STUPID thing about the kids then lead into "what are you doing" And usually he says working and she says oh fun. Ok when it starts with the kids it is what it is I can't complain BUT the past 2 days she has text "what are you doing" and the first day he responded they had a nice little chit chat and I went off about it Yesterday. he tells me he swears he is not doing anything wrong and I am the only one he wants in his life and so on so forth and I truly believe him he didn't answer her yesterday but fact of the matter is I can NOT STAND HER EVEN TEXTING him! Would it be horrilbe of me to block her number while I am at work? This is a constant stuggle I have and I need help figuring out how to get over it!