BM rant!!
I hate this woman.
I have tried to be nice. I have tried to be understanding. I have tried to just ignore her and not let her way of life affect mine..
I am almost to the point where keeping my mouth shut around her is impossible..
She bailed on these kids to try to sabotage my marriage. Plain and simple. She knows the skids and I aren't on the best of terms - a lot of it has to do with her (she has filled their heads with so many lies and crap about me), some of it is due to DH's denial about how rotten they are (but that has improved dramatically).. a lot of it is just because they are what they are.. entitled self centered brats..
She has made the remark "She won't stick around if they get the kids full time".... meaning me.. and she has done her best to use the skids as weapons to drive me away..
It's all so obvious: In April they go buy a house - an hour or so away from the community they lived in - the community the skids called home and we also live in.
The move made no sense. Neither BM or her hubby worked there or had family there. The move ended our 50/50 shared parenting arrangement. The move pushed her hubby now almost 2 hours away from his kids and his ex wife flat out refused to drive them down to visit. It boggled everyone's mind.. It pissed everyone off.. it messed up everyone's schedules..
Then.. about a month after she moves and creates all this chaos about where the kids will live full time.. oh, she loses her job.. gee, you mean the sales job she barely did? Yea.. when you stay in bed till 9 and are too busy being up your hubby's ass to work, your boss usually will get pissed and fire you.. shocking..
So she moves and loses her job - hmmm.. sounds mighty convenient, don't you think? She completely stops buying the skids any clothes (why would they need clothes when she only sees them every other weekend?).. decides to stop "agreeing to extra cirriculars".. (because she doesn't have to pay 1/2 if she doesn't agree to it).. buys them no school supplies.. CONTRIBUTES NOTHING!!!
She refuses to drive the skids to practices or games that fall on her weekends because "she didn't agree to that"... WTF?
She then has the nerve to schedule a vacation.. on the weekend she is supposed to have the kids!! I am pissed.. again.. she did this on purpose, I'm sure.
I have to see this piece of shit at most of the skids games.. sitting there all smug.. She always has new clothes.. latest styles and her nails are done..
Meanwhile.. I have to buy my clothes at the second hand store and have stopped doing extra things like getting my nails done because I can't afford them due to the fact that my money supports her damn kids!!
It's not jealousy.. it's the fact that this is such bullshit! I am stuck supporting two kids that really I don't want full time - but have no choice in the matter. They were unloaded on us and I just have to deal with it.
The skids complain about everything: we have to cut back on things.. they bitch about it.. when we try to explain to them why, they are asses and don't care.. but when we say something like "hey, can you see if your mom can get you a hair cut when you are at her house this weekend".. they defend her and give us the "mom has no job" pity party.. OMG.. it pissed me off!! The last thing I want to hear is how she has it soooo rough..
The courts are useless.. since she isn't working.. she has to pay next to nothing in support.. they can't force her to take them to practice if she doesn't agree to the sport.. she has all this power to complicate my life and I can't say anything or do anything..
Beyond frustrated and ready to pop off the next time I see her..
So if mom is not agreeing to
So if mom is not agreeing to the sports: The kids don't play
"We are sorry, but your mom said no."
Absolves you of having to pay for it all on your own and be responsible for all practices while at the same time placing the blame squarely where it belongs, on their worthless mother.
If you guys keep paying for it all, how are these kids going to realize what a worthless POS their mom is?
She isn't buying them clothes at her house?
Not your problem. They go with the clothes on their back- nothing extra. Let the kids start to realize what a POS their mother is.
Haircuts?
"Oh, I just figured she could take you to the salon when she gets her nails done."
Nothing negative being said about mom, lets the kids think oh yeah, she can pay for her nails she should be able to pay for my hair.”
She isn't working? Shame. File for a CS modification through DOR as soon as you can, and since she moved and gave up her job and is not making a valid effort to find employment: Have her 'potential income' imputed instead of minimum wage.
Take pictures of her at games and practices, with her hair and nails done, designer clothes on and use those at DOR to show she is obviously not hurting for $$.
I am NOT saying trash talk mom.
I am NOT saying PAS the kids.
I am saying but the blame where it belongs.
If you have to cut back explain exactly why:
Sorry guys we cut the cable. Our grocery bill has doubled and there is no money for luxuries.
Kill the internet: Sorry guys the water bill has doubled and there is no money for luxuries.
Kill the kids cells phones, install a house phone (with a cord attached to the wall old school style and NO long distance!):
Sorry guys the electric bill has doubled, cell phones are a luxury: here is a house phone you can share to call your friends.
It does not HURT kids to realize that money does not grow on trees. In fact you might find them turning off lights, ensuring faucets aren't leaking etc and trying to 'save' enough money to get a luxury back.
Believe me when I tell you
Believe me when I tell you that I know how things with BMs can get really hard. There have been many times that I'm working on breathing and being nice, when all the sudden I'm overwhelmed by the urge to throw a mud ball at her face - isn't that a reasonable response when you find out that she just got back from vacation even though we have been providing SK with all their groceries for the week because she didn't have enough money?
However, if there is one thing that I've learned when BM starts to play those games again... Don't lead the charge to "set it right". It will only lead to trouble. In many cases, if a step mom chooses to let the kids know that all these changes have been made, the step children will only learn to equate more loss with the step mother, not their birth mother. This will lead to greater resentment, and strangely enough, an even greater sense of loyalty to their BM who is at the core of this mess.
SMs need their husbands help! They have to set boundaries and limits for the kids in terms of what they should expect with limited money - because no, it doesn't grow on trees. But, since you are one of the two adults leading (and financing) that household, you should be included in determining what those boundaries and limits are. You two are a team.
And I agree with just.his.wife., the two of you should be honest. If BM doesn't not agree to them playing sports, the children should hear that you both are respecting her wishes and that she said no.
In the end, you can't control what BM does, but I escape to my own little world where I dream up the most vindictive little things, then release those thoughts into the world and feel tons better. If I stay pissed off, then I know that she wins. The key for me, figuring out what we need to do in our house with my husband, and leaving the rest to the imagination.
I tend to keep a tight lip
I tend to keep a tight lip about BM for the most part.
I know the game.. she wants me to pop off about her so the kids will resent me more than they already do.
DH is guilty of pointing out the things they lose out on because of her.. I have told him the more he does that, the more the kids get pissed at him for bad mouthing her and they gravitate towards "poor mommy"... he loses and plays right into her twisted agenda..
I did mess up the other night.. didn't know sk14 was home and referred to BM as a bitch.. he heard it and said something shitty.. so I went into the room and told him "sorry, I didn't know you were here and wouldn't have said it if I did. However, I am not backing off of this being my opinion of her. After everything you know that she has done to me and said about me (he knows all the lies and crap that I have had to defend myself against), I hope that you can understand that I am not a big fan of your mother. I have a right to my opinion of her and don't expect you to share it and it does not have any bearing on my relationship with you or your brother. It is just the way I feel, rightfully so, about a person that has gone out of their way to hurt me and cause me problems for years now. I have never done anything to her, nor have I retaliated in any way and I won't because that would only hurt you guys."
DH had my back on this one too... he said to sk14 that "she's right to feel that way after all your mom has done to try to hurt her." So at least I had that going for me...
DH wants them in sports -
DH wants them in sports - they need it.. seriously... it's either they play sports or sit around and play video games and annoy the crap out of us and each other..
Plus, BM agreed to it before she moved.. so we signed them up, conditioning started, things got rolling...then it's "no, I didn't agree to that/can't afford it" after she moved and lost her job.. total bullshit that we can do nothing about now - already wrote the check..
We have cut back on everything because we have no choice. The skids still don't see it and place no blame on her. They just think DH should be able to do it all.
They know she pays for nothing.. She has the victim pity party thing down and they eat it up..
When DH said "funny how your mom has her nails and toes done, but couldn't buy you shoes for school" to sk14, his reply was "Jim paid for them" (Jim is her hubby)... and DH then said "well, maybe you mom should have asked Jim for the money to buy you new shoes instead of getting her nails done - wouldn't that have been a nice thing to do?"... SK replies "it's not Jims responsibility to buy me shoes"... I wanted to scream!
Oh... but they have no problem with me paying for their crap.. and trust me, they know I contribute because I make it known in subtle ways..
They don't get it.. we couldn't afford a vacation this year.. obviously because of the whole change of custody thing.. they bitched about it.. yet when BM told them they weren't going on vacation they were fine with it because "they just bought a house and she lost her job"... and now she's going to the Caribbean for a week.. what do they say about that? "Jim bought it as a gift...."
We went to court.. her support obligation was an absolute joke, so we objected and had another hearing.. waiting on those results.
These kids simply don't get it.. BM has different rules and obligations. She is off the hook.
They are demanding and have a sense of entitlement like no other..
Yup this sounds very familiar
Yup this sounds very familiar to me too. DH and BM had 50/50 week on/week off for the past 4 years (SD is 5). BM decided to move 2 hours away from us and SD's school shortly before SD started school. Now SD is with us almost all the time (BM is supposed to have weekends - this weekend is the first since they made the arrangement and she is already saying she can't take SD). She doesn't work so we will get no CS. She's the one who wanted SD (she was an oopsie) and now we are the ones taking care of her. Shit blows my mind. & you're right, the courts are absolutely useless. They always side with those POS' for some reason. It's beyond aggravating!!
Put the focus where it
Put the focus where it belongs for the Skids to gain clarity.
Sorry kids. Your mom does not want you in sports. She won't take you to practice or to games. Because BM likes to use her attendance at games to show off, take that away while putting it on BM and let the kids know to complain to her.
Her move without a durable job should not reduce any CS she owes. Motion for the Court to impute her usual income to her for CS purposes. My assumption is that her move made your home the primary residence for the Skids and effectively makes your DH the CP. If not... get to court to try to make that happen.
Zero tolerance of BM's shit and total confrontation while seasing the Skids with the facts of BM's manipulative crap should be happening IMHO.
Good luck.