Am I a bad person?
Hello, new to the forum and just needed some advice.
I married to a man who has an outstanding military career (20+ years). He has 3 children (all girls) and a ex-wife. He has multiple combat deployments, spent many years outside the US.
Me: I have a career that I can be proud of, years of schooling and internship. I'm a military brat who was raised with expectations and standards. When I broke the rules I was punished (I was spanked as a child, slapped once, when I deserved it when I called my mother a bad name). I was raised not to worry about kids until after I had a career and taught respect and manners were of high importance.
His ex-wife, married for money and benefits. Is bi-polar and has actually tried to kill him, twice. She has no money, ever because she is always in and out of the hospital claiming seizures (these only happen when no one is around) or mental anguish. She has been married 4 times since my husband and has had so many relationships, I lost track. She uses her daughters as a pawn, getting money every chance she can. His daughters live her because he is moving a lot or usually deployed. He visits them twice a year but is contact with them daily.
I love my husband, he is my perfect match. I have met his kids and they seemed respectable and kind. We have had family outings and I have even spent girl time with his kids.
Here is the issue.
I have learned his daughters are nowhere near who I thought they were or who he THINKS they are. The oldest is a good kid and about to head to college, its the younger two that worry me. and I say worry.
His 16 year old daughter got pregnant 2 weeks before she was 16. His youngest is having severe social problems and threatens to beat up her own mother. They both curse and try to initiate fights via facebook. I removed them from my fb because I couldnt stand it. My husband checks them on it and they delete their posts and apologize to him, but I know better. He loves his kids to the point he sees no faults.
He was livid when he found out she was pregnant. They all kept it from him until she was 15 weeks. He tried telling her to get an abortion, said to give it up for adoption, even said he will not pay for anything the baby needs.
I'm now pregnant and were having a son, I couldnt be happier or more worried. She is due before me so his grandbaby will be older than our son.
my biggest issue is that I'm completely disgusted with her being pregnant. She brags about it on facebook, even his facebook she will post about to be a grandpa, yada yada. She refuses to get a job, all her teenage friends talk about how great of a mom she will be. Already had names picked out by the time she old my husband she was pregnant. Worse, her mother is supporting her, telling her it will all work out. that it will all be sunshine and rainbows.
She is proud to be a teenage mom and my husband refuses to see it. She tells him everything he wants to hear like, I regret getting pregnant, I didnt want this. But her actions prove different.
Anyways, the way his daughters live is against everything I stand against. I do not want my son to be brought up around his daughters.
I dont want my son hearing curse words, being around un-career driven teens or their mother. I just dont want it and I will not have it in my sons life.
Does that make me a bad person?
Holy shit!
Holy shit! :jawdrop:
It seems my posted has
It seems my posted has somehow pissed you off this afternoon and for that I apologize but I stand by my words.
Yes, I suppose I could be a bit jealous, but maybe it is more the thought of the possibility of her moving in.
Yes, I will always deem 15-16 year old girls who want to be mothers inappropriate.
I guess I could be jealous, yes. This was suppose to be a great time for me, I deserved that. Now, its nothing but a stressed out husband and the idea of "cleaning up the spare room."
But I do apologize if I somehow insulted you, not my intent.
I do understand the point you're trying to make though. As rude as it came off to me, thank you for your input all the same
No. no. no Pink....My post
No. no. no Pink....My post was in response to Foxie telling you to get an abortion!!
Everyone has a right to their
Everyone has a right to their feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person that you are upset your SD is having a baby before you. I would be ticked off too. Unfortunately, the damage is done and there is not much you can do about it at this point. Your son is so far off in age from your SDs that it really should not have a major bearing on his upbringing. At least your husband is upset about the pregnancy. He could be the other extreme and be buying world best grandpa shirts and mugs. So you have that going for you. SD is happy and may have planned getting pregnant. You know this but he doesn't. He thinks she made a mistake and is resentful about it now. It doesn't matter that SD is pulling the wool over your DH. Would it make a difference in your relationship if your DH knew your SD wasn't upset about having a baby. I don't think so. Your SD's mom may make your skin crawl, but she has a right to support her daughter in under any circumstance. Her friends have the same right to support her. In my opinion it doesn't do much good to degrade a pregnant girl. On the flip side of things you have every right to not want these girls and your soon to be grandchild around your son if you deem it as stress on your son. Try your best to keep an open mind. Maybe you were brought to this family to help them out. You know it could just go the reverse and you might enjoy your son having your grandchild there. Your grandchild might even enjoy being around you and some good things could rub off onto him. In all NO I do not think you are a bad person. Best of luck to you and yours!
No, you're not a bad person.
No, you're not a bad person. You probably are worrying more than you need to though. I was worried about my boy (now boys) being influenced by SD22 negatively as well. We only see SD22 a few times a year, so she really has very little influence. If you only see your SD's twice a year, you really have nothing to worry about. Your son won't be paying attention to FB or anything online for quite a while. You have the most influence on your child, so that is what matters. The age difference is enough too that your son will probably think of your SD's as distant relatives.
My 2 1/2 year old is already so much more polite than SD22. I can thank myself for that. Your son will live by your rules, not your SDs.
^^ this is right along with
Far from being a bad person,
Far from being a bad person, you are going to be a great mom who raises a young man of character to viable adulthood.
IMHO it is time to sit down with your DH and explain that until your younger two SDs grow up and become respectable and respectful viable young adults they will have no interface with your son.
He should see this clearly as a successful military professional.
As for SD-16 single mom... Far too many girls who make the choices that get them in to teen parenthood do not have the ability to comprehend that their own childhoods are over and they are now adults and need to behave as adults.
My own bride was a 16yo teen mother. Interestingly her boss at DQ told her when she told him several months after she found out that she was pregnant that he thought something major had changed because literally over night she went from being a dingbat 16yo flighty employee to his most responsible and reliable employee.
My DW graduated with her HS class with honors (though the administration tried to get her to leave and go to pregnant mom GED class), completed a dual major BS with honors (Mgt/Acct), an MBA with honors and has had a very successful career as a CPA. She says that if she can do it, anyone can. They just have to grow up instantly and be accountable for providing a life for their child that is an example of viable adulthood.
Just maybe, if your DH puts the proverbial military boot up his teen girls asses they will gain clarity on this.
I wouldn't hold your breath though. For some reason many successful military professionals seem to be able to turn other people's teens in to viable service members but can't raise their own children to be respectful and intelligent teens much less raise them to be viable adults.
Apparently your parents could. That is what makes your own son a very fortunate little man.
No..not a bad person.
No..not a bad person. Hopefully you will still only see them a few times a year.
She called my cellphone this
She called my cellphone this morning and requested that I send her money for clothes, said she could not get a hold of her father so I need to send her some as soon as possible. I asked her why she did not have a desire to have a job.
She got upset started to shout at me and then told me she wished that my baby would die and that I would die with it.
So Im done, I tried to show this little disrespectful mommy to be and you NEED to be an adult BEFORE you become a mother. But I suppose its much easier calling Daddy when trailer trash mommy isnt around.
He wants to support raising a child he nor I conceived, we can have a marriage with separate bank accounts. DONE.
I guess I am blessed to have
I guess I am blessed to have both examples you mentioned in my life. My amazing wife and my parents. Mom and dad married when they were 19 (Dad) and 17 (Mom) and celebrated their 51st anniversary this past summer. I was born 18mos after they married. They raised two of three sons to viable adulthood. Our youngest brother passed away when he was 10mos old from spinal miningitis.
Unfortunately you are right that many of these less than intelligent young women turn one baby as a teen in to a breeding for dollars career. Sadly, most of their spawn just duplicate mommy's career path.
I'm with you - do not give
I'm with you - do not give her a cent. If she is excited to be a parent, she needs to learn to accept the responsibilities that this decision involves. That means having money to get the baby the things she needs!
Don't give in - you are not a bad person. You want to be free to raise your child with the values and morals that you believe, instead of with the bad habits that these girls have developed. I would make sure that the girls understand the ground rules if and when they visit their sibling to be and what the consequences will be if they choose to break those rules. Then they have the choice to comply and behave or not visit with their brother. Their choice!