New Step-parent to a soon to be 3 yr old

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I am twenty years old and have been with my husband for two and a half years. We have a beautiful fifteen-month-old daughter named Hayley. We just found out that he has another daughter, Piper, who is going to be 3 on January 1st. It was a strange situation from the beginning. He left for boot camp in 2007, a few months after his ex-girlfriend told him she was pregnant. He joined the Marines to help support his new family, but somewhere down the line, I think it was about two months into boot camp his ex came out and told him that she had cheated on him and that her baby was not his and he should not even worry about it. Well, when we got together, she would post messages telling me that he needs to man up and tell me about how he has a child he does not care for. From the beginning, I had no problem with him having a possible child, I would love her like she was my own. About a year later, she messages me again to get his address and phone number for DNA testing. My husband was deployed and I told her to try back in seven months because there was not much I can do for her. Well, we did the DNA testing back in June, and came back she is his daughter and we are working with her mom and step dad to figure out a parenting plan that works for both of us. We managed to get new military orders closer to home to be in Piper's life. I just do not know what my role will be in this situation. I have tried to reach out and communicate with his ex, but I do not feel it being reciprocated. We are paying the 14% child support and even sending her clothes and toys, ect.

I would advise being polite

I would advise being polite and pleasant with BM when contact is necessary, but primarily leave it to your DH to contact her and respond to her approaches. Try not to put yourself in the role of middleman or become too involved, particularly as it does seem that she has given mixed messages(!) in the past. You sound like you are being really reasonable and positive about this unexpected development in your new family, and your DH is a lucky man that you have taken this approach.

Don't expect too much yourself in terms of 'loving her like my own', if you are able to be a kind, affectionate, supportive step mum you will be doing really really well, but loving a step child like your own is something very very few step mothers achieve, and you should not burden yourself with unreasonable expectations. It is hard to duplicate the feelings you have for a child you carried yourself and have nurtured every day, for a child that has already started life without you, and who you may never see full time. Take it one step at a time. I wish you lots of luck.

Wow... I agree with all the

Wow... I agree with all the above postings.... play it by ear.

I am sure all of this is going to send DH's head a spinnin' about what to do.

Be as loving and supportive as you can. Take it one day at a time.

I wish you the best. AT least you are getting in with this child early.... I hope she has a good and reasonable BM.

Take care.