Advice Needed
Hi,
I have just registered on here to gauge opinions on my situation as I am totally and utterly at a point at which I do not know which way to turn.
Background Info: I met my partner through work, three years ago, at the time she had not too long before come out of a 19 year marriage (She divorced the husband as she was very unhappy in the marriage) and I myself had been single for about 12 months. I have a daughter, who was 11 at the time, she has three boys. At the time they were 7, 10 and 15.
After a few months I was gradually introduced to her children. Apart from the one occasion when they were at their Fathers for the weekend and he brought the two youngest back to their home, where I was whilst my partner was out, and suddenly they find a strange man in their house.... that was awkward I tell you, but dealt with. My daughter was really happy to meet my partner and her children and there wasn't really any problems.
As time went by my relationship with the two youngest has grown greatly and we are really close. In fact the middle child disclosed his emotions to me recently that surprised me, and my partner. I am actually correct with saying that I am the adult that sees them the most, through work commitments with my partner, and them seeing their dad every Wednesday and every other weekend.
I must stress that this does not concern me at all. My partner and I have spoken about this and reached a balance.
Throughout the past three years there has been an issue with my partners sister. Her relationship with the childrens father is, you could argue, 'Unhealthy'. As the ex husband does not really speak to my partner at all, and has never once in three years said a single word to me, infact ignored totally (Which I find kind of odd especially as I am the adult his children spend the most time with), my partners sister still carries on with him as if it Happy Families. Even to the point where she went around to his house whilst he had the children one year to have Christmas Dinner with him. If something needs fixing around the house she will call him to do so, etc, etc. Just seems kind of strange and both my partner and I think the same about this.
So that is a bit of background. Now the problem is the oldest child, 18 now. At first he would communicate and engage with me. Although it was a little strained. But over the past year it has been a case of total ignoring. And I mean TOTAL ignoring. He also is constantly putting down his siblings. He craves his mothers attention to the point he would sit down at the dinner table and ONLY speak to her constantly and not engage with anyone else. He avoids eye contact of any kind also.
When my partner told them I was moving in (I moved in fully 6 months ago despite being there all the time for the past 9 months) he told her that he would move out if I moved in. He has been asked constantly if he has a problem, he says no. Yet continues to ignore myself. When we are in a situation that other members of her family are around he communicates, talks and is absolutely fine. The minute he is out of this situation he will totally ignore me and will not say a single word. This has happened four times. He has been told about it and every excuse under the sun.... 'I don't have a problem', 'I just want to be on my own', 'I have nothing to say to anyone', 'I am not happy with the situation with someone else being here'.....
It has got to the point now where last night my partner sat him down and started to tell him that she was fed up with it and yet I stopped her in her tracks and I totally lost it towards him. I shouted, was for once verbally aggressive and told him in no uncertain terms what he is doing is out of order. He is controlling everyone and it has to stop. He showed not a single once of emotion. Not a single bit of remorse and kept saying there is no problem, he is doing nothing wrong, etc.
It drives you crazy.
Yet after I walked out as I could not be in his company anymore, he apparently got really upset and told his mother that he doesn't know why he is upset. That was the first time he has showed any emotion in the time I have known him, according to my partner. She also said it was due to someone really 'Having a go' at him as no one ever has before.
Now he is due to go away for his job in six weeks time, for 6 months. My partner has stated that she will tell him he has to go to stay at his dads for this last 6 weeks unless he changes. I myself am prepared to move out for this period. She doesn't want me to yet I do not want to be the reason that he has to move out. I am totally at my wits end.
I physically cannot any longer be in a toxic situation like this over the one 18 year old child when my relationship with the two youngest, and my partner is so good apart from this.
What would you do, would you deal with this a different way than I have, and has anyone found themselves in a similar situation and if so how did you deal with it?
I apologize for the long post but even writing it all out has been strangely 'Therapeutic'!
Thanks in advance.
Sometimes it takes jerking a
Sometimes it takes jerking a knot in a teen boy's tail to get them to start addressing the teen boy brain farts. I understand your current concerns. The situation is untenable yet you feel bad about shredding the kids cheese.
I would say that rather than SS-18 or you moving out that you grab the kid, go for a drive, have a burger, and talk it out. This time ... don't lose your cool. Ask him how he feels about how his mom and younger sibs seem okay with the situation yet he is struggling. Tell him you are not trying to replace his dad but that you love his mom and care for he and his sibs. When my SS-22 was going through his version of what your SS-18 is going through things were strained for a while but eventually we all settled out and things have been pretty good for the most part. As with most kids and parents, he is not doing things as I would wish for him to but he is doing his own thing, supporting himself, and is living a life of character as a young adult.
In summary. Don't leave, don't boot him, engage. He is about to launch and having that be a negative event for his mom, brothers, and for you could become long term baggage that you all will struggle with as your blended family adventure unfolds.
That your partner confronted the issues with her eldest is a very good sign.
Welcome to fhe wonderful
Welcome to fhe wonderful world of personality disorders and high conflict ex's. Yours
is of the male variety while we mostly deal with afflicted women here...but personality
disorders strike men as well. I am talking about your partner's ex
who has undue influence over the 18yo. It's a miracle the younger
kids are not affected... yet.
It is up to your partner to explain what her expectations are for her son.
If he cannot be polite towards you he can move out. He is mimicking
his father's treatment of you. As long as you and your partner
are united in this you are ok. Alone you cannot do much. I would
never allow my 18 yo son to be dismissive of my husband in my home.
Hi Sally, The problem with
Hi Sally,
The problem with number 2 is that why should he have to move out anyway? I am a strong believer in facing and dealing with a problem and although it would make life easier, why should this be the solution because he can't get on although will not talk about it?
I think the answer to that is number 3.
As for number 4 - That is about Loyalty. My partners family is quite large and everyone thinks it is unhealthy and under the circumstances where is the loyalty to my partner from her sister? That was given anyhow as an example of what is going on and how this can contribute to the problematic situation that is ongoing.
Your situation is interesting and I just hope that all this blows over one day. As like I mentioned, the two youngest, my daughter and my partner have strong relationships together.
Hi, Thank you so much for
Hi,
Thank you so much for your comments and replies.
Rags - What you have said makes sense. I have tried a couple of times recently to get him to pop out for a quick beer with me (We are in the Uk and since he has turned 18 I thought it might help the situation) - but it was a no go every time. Part of me says that he is only around for the next 6 weeks, therefore sit it out, engage where I can even though I may get ignored, then when he goes abroad for the summer he will grow a pair of balls whilst he is gone and realize his actions, therefore things will be different once he has done this.
It's going to be a difficult 6 weeks I tell you......
Pilgrim Soul - You know, he (Ex Husband) is the injured party at the end of the day. But we are all different. I broke up the relationship with my daughters mother (After being together for 13 years) and yes I was made out to be this and that as she was very upset about it. That lasted for a year and we are now fine with each other. She even believes it was the right thing to do as we had run our course, no shared interests, just friends living together at the end. Now we speak regularly about our daughter and we also respect each other.
Maybe for him he is still reeling over his wife wanting to leave him.... but it has been three years! Sorry but life is too short to carry anger and hurt and he needs to grow a pair himself. And more importantly than self worth and ego, there are children involved. But certainly, I do believe he has influenced his oldest son (18 year old). I never thought of it the way you stated but yes he is copying behavior of his father.
Personality Disorders - That's a minefield I don't want to venture into but yes I have considered that myself.
Silent, Ignoring, dismissing behavior though I believe is certainly a form of abuse.
Thank you again for your replies.
Thank you Echo. Thanks
Thank you Echo.
Thanks everyone for your replies - certainly may change the way I view this situation.
You have all made one thing
You have all made one thing clear to me - clearly this behavior is common place. That is, sadly, a relief to know at least.
I look back when I was that age, and although my parents are still together after 62 years, I wouldn't dream of acting that way if they had separated and had partners! Then again I was in the Armed Forces at 16 and learned respect very quickly so maybe it is unfair to come to an unbalanced opinion/comparison.
Stepmonster 12 - Your situation sounded scarily similar to my current one...... I'm hoping this will change as yours did.
Catlettuce - Your reply further up the page is spot on and I'm going to follow that approach I think.
Thank you, again, everyone. You have helped greatly with your advice and stories.
Most of us would beg for our
Most of us would beg for our SO to take up for us and you have had the exact opposite reaction. I think that maybe it is because you haven't been there long enough to be burned over and over again so you are still in the "try" stage. I have only been in a blended household for 15 months and my "try" stage was ditched 3 months ago. It might take you a few times to get burned to understand what everyone is telling you. Also keep in mind that while you get along with the younger children now that to will probably change as they grow older. Having a good relationship with skids then losing it later is almost worse than the skid being an ass from the very beginning.