Advice on how to survive
I need some suggestions on what others have done that has been successful. I so appreciate the wisdom that I have found on this site so far. (Thank you childlessSM). I am bio free with a SS11 and DH for 2 years. We have been in each other’s lives for 5 years. I do not have the maternal instincts where I want to love every child. Just wanted to have my own family when mine started to die and disintegrate several years ago (before meeting DH).
My SS is a “good” kid. He has his own issues, more than I think are healthy. But I also think he is very unhappy and needs therapy. (That is a sad other topic. I am just screaming into the wind with that) He is also spoiled and has a Disney land dad. He is not as I would have raised him. He will never be enough for me. My attempts to engage with him are not welcomed. I believe I will never have a bio-child. Please don’t tell me it may happen...it is not helpful.
There is no written custody arrangement, but it is joint. We have SS every weekend that DH is not working, except perhaps 8 a year and also have him for 1 or 2 weeks in the summer and for intermittant holiday weekends. I find myself not wanting to be a part of the weekends with them. I find myself resentful of the Disneyland experiences (snow tubing, bowling, arcade), generally at least one a weekend, and do not want to participate. I get pushback on things I recommend that I would enjoy doing with them: museum, aviary, walks, etc.
I know I need to find another fulfilling experience. I have started volunteering with animals. A dream for mine has always been to have a search and rescue dog.
Questions: how do I not grow apart from DH (especially if I separate myself on the weekends), how do I not get more resentful? Anyone with experience bringing an adopted child or foster children into the mix? DH and I would need to get on the same page of parenting before. Is therapy really helpful? DH has said he would go with me. Anyone else survive this custody arrangement? Other successful outlets for maternal instincts that aren't biologically related?
Thanks for reading and responding
I was so hoping there'd be
I was so hoping there'd be answers to your questions here as I'm struggling with the same things.
Maryann, thank you for your
Maryann, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my experience has been helpful - I know how good it is for me to hear from you all and know that I am not alone.
I agree with AnaR - you sound clear, and you are dealing with a lot.
I think it's essential that your husband supports and includes you AND allows you to decide when you want to be a part of things. I, too, sometimes suggest activities that my husband's daughter isn't interested in. So I do them anyway, sometimes with just my husband, sometimes on my own. But I understand your concern that you will grow apart from your husband if you're always doing your own thing when his son is there. Try to find a balance between joining in sometimes and creating time for yourself on those weekends when your husband's son is there. And by all means, don't feel guilty for being resentful - that's completely understandable!
As for counseling, you may be right that your husband's son would benefit. But that's not your place. I've learned the same thing with my husband's daughter. So let that go. BUT why don't you consider talking with someone? You deserve it, and it could help you make sense of things so that you create space for yourself without feeling alone.
Wow. Thank you all so much
Wow. Thank you all so much for your loving and supportive comments. (They need a smiley face for a hug and kiss.)
DH agreed to go to counseling with me. We go this week. I am feeling more hopeful. I sent an email to BM about family counseling and hoping that she and SS would be a part at some point. Not my role to send the letter, I know. She said that she would be a part of it. I am hoping it is a back door to getting SS involved and changing things in this family.
In regards to the baby issue...this week I am ok and trying to think about all the things I can do with my life without one that otherwise I could not.
I think the reasoning with not having a written custody agreement was that DH does not have a consistent work schedule: may work overnights and weekends.
I have noticed when DH parents (provides structure, rules and consequences) I am less resentful. And happier.
Hopefully things will keep getting better....