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When your SO has a child/children significantly younger than your BKs...

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Sun, 04/18/2010 - 9:41am

Was a significant age difference in your kids and your BF/DH/SO's kids ever an issue for you? How'd you accept it?

I have two teenagers; SD is 8. I am not sure that after getting through the teen years with my own kids (who, thank God, are doing great academically and socially, no problems with anything yet)I am going to want to start all over with a teenager that is not mine. It sounds selfish, but I'll be free to do whatever I want...I know both my kids are going to go out of state for school...they've said it forever and have the grades to make it happen...it is hard to think about giving that freedom up.

Have any of you given that freedom up by taking on significantly younger kids? Do you regret it? Anyone decide not to marry, etc. because of not wanting to parent/not wanting to be tied down all over again?

Btw, I am guessing SD will never leave town for school or any other reason, given that neither of her parents ever did...which plays into my thought process...

Comments

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sun, 04/18/2010 - 1:05pm

I am not in this position. However, I can totally relate when I think of my own kids. All three of my kids are within a 4 yr span (I am preggo). My Dh says "oh we should have another one in 5 yrs"

I am thinking no way. I don't want to have to start over with all of things that we have been through. And I couldn't even imagine, if DH and I were divorced, starting over with someelses children.

It would be really tough.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Sun, 04/18/2010 - 1:23pm

Yes, it is difficult for me to imagine sending my kids off to college and being free after devoting pretty much my entire adult life so far and then having to live 13-18 with SD.

It sounds selfish, but I can't help but think about it. I guess it is only five years...(ten years right now).

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Sun, 04/18/2010 - 1:30pm

When I met dh my biokids were about a decade older than his kids. But then we had biobaby, so it was like I was starting over again.

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Mon, 04/19/2010 - 8:32am

I am almost in the same boat. My BD is going to be 15 this summer and SD is 7. I don't feel like i am giving up my freedom at all, I do enjoy SD being with us when she is there.

My only issues are when it comes to discussing discipline and other issues about children. Seems like i am way past the issues that DH experiences now with his child and it is almost like I have to wait for him to catch up to the point i am at.

I used to get frustrated but now - it is like I just ignore it at times.... .because of the age differences there are going to be differences in understanding how to talk, handle, and react to a teenager and a 7 year old. I am not going to treat my teenage like a little child nor am i going to over-step my boundaries with a 7 year old that has a mother and father already.

********BM doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM! SD is way more important to me - then your feelings...... AND she should be to you as well.......************

Cinran's picture

Submitted by Cinran on Mon, 04/19/2010 - 10:25am

My 18 year old BD went away to college last September and at the same time I moved in with my boyfriend who has two sons 12 and 9 who he has EOW and Mon and Wed until 9PM. I can say unequivocally that I regret moving in so soon after my daughter went away because I did not give myself the opportunity to enjoy my freedom from the annoyances of daily parenting. Now I am stuck helping with homework again and pretending to be interested in sports, report cards and the usual BS associated with school-age children. I can honestly say I hate every minute of it. And my boyfriend always sticks me with the homework because I am better at it than he is. I've tried telling him that just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I enjoy doing it! Now I just find excuses not to be home on Monday and Wednesday nights. After 8 months of this I am seriously considering moving out and just accepting the fact that I don't want to be a full-time parent ever again. I like his kids---it's just the parenting I can't stand.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/19/2010 - 3:09pm

Well, my brother and I both left the house. But I am 40 and my brother is in his mid-30s and I suppose it is a different generation now. There's a delayed maturation these days. I can sure tell you though that my kids will not be mooching off me or their dad...we've raised them to WANT to be responsible and independent...they've watched me go to work, and know their dad works hard too.