I love my life when SS18 is not in it. He's at college mostly. When he's around I am nervous, uncomfortable, waiting for something bad to happen. I sleep with my 6yo son and lock the door. What's my problem? This is who he is:

- used drugs and sneaks booze

- had flip out bipolar scary 30 minscream swearing event in front of my 5yo where I should have called police. Because I kindly asked him not to talk about inappropriate topic around my son. "Let's not talk about this"

- repeatedly disrespects our house rules

- unpredicatable unreasonable outbursts that neither of his bio parents can handle 

- non stop talker - volume 10

- big and makes me nervous 

- DH goes deer in headlights when things go bad 

- off his meds

- suicidal at times

- failed at in patient treatment 

I just want my life and my son's life not to have him in it. I am legit nervous. Pit in my stomach. I feel I'm putting my son in a bad situation. The scariest and most inappropriate stuff he's experienced have come from his own half sibling. 

I don't know how to tell DH so I just am moody or disappear to my room. I've seen flashes of wtf in DHs eyes to some of the outbursts but he has no idea how to handle it.

When skids were young I tried Mary Poppins approach, but BM, DH and skids resisted all in their own ways. So I backed off, not my kids right? But all of them are messed up. And now a messed up adult skid is the result. Just as I warned DH years ago.

Im female, with a young child. This is my home. I should feel safe here.

Thansgiving SS said something ... "I was thinking I could live hear this summer" I replied his Mom would lose her child support if he doesn't go to her house during college summers. 

I haven't told DH but I've felt sick ever since. Truth is, I will never live with SS. I can't do it. I feel strongly as a mother, that I must protect the sanctuary of my child's home and life. That it's dangerous when SS is around.

I don't know how to tell DH. It just puts him in the middle. He probably agrees with my assessment of SS. But he is still the Dad.

Feeling lost.