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Known these Skids for over a year; they politely ignore me every time and it's not likely to change

Hollis7125's picture

I'm so glad to have found this site and I could really use some feedback and advice on dealing with my fiance's two kids; a girl almost 16 and a boy, age 13.

Our story is that we met 4 1/2 years ago and it was love at first sight. We are both in our early 50s and have been married before (I have no children). We didn't live together until 3 years into the relationship. We saw each other on weekends and holidays, when he wasn't with his kids. I knew he had kids, of course, but he didn't attempt to introduce me or bring me in until almost 3 years after we met. I was hurt at first but then, as I don't want children of my own, I didn't mind and I thought it made sense for us to wait. 

Since he's moved in with me a year and a half ago, we have his 2 kids stay with us periodically. I was SO nervous during our first few weekends together and everyone told me, "yes, they are quiet and standoffish but they are dealing with a new adult, as well as their parent's divorce. They will come to love you". Well, I've hosted them for over a year now and we are NO further along than at the first meeting. In fact, I would say we're father apart. Both of them enter the house and don't speak to me all weekend, unless their father asks them to. 

I believe at least part of this is due to the fact that their father left their mother (before he met me, we didn't break up the marriage) and she fought him tooth and nail about divorcing. In our first few years together, she was still trying to get him to come back. She tries to be a good mother but she's very selfish and immature and has a habit of blaming my fiance for any problems or issues in her life. 

It finally dawned on me that the kids have been dealing with their mother's outbursts and unhappiness over being a Single Mother and therefore, they simply 'can't' like me as I am directly related to their mother's angst. They are polite when they come over but they keep their distance and never engage with me. 

I'm slowly getting over my hurt feelings and disappointment of being disregarded and ignored in my own home. And it hurts a little less knowing that it's not really personal even though it feels very personal. 

Does anyone have any feedback that could help with the healing? And maybe what to expect going forward? I was a little hopeful for some Hallmark Channel moment between me and the kids but I can see now that that's not going to happen. I'm just at a loss on how to conduct myself when the kids are in my house. Currently, I hole up in my bedroom and wait for the visit to be over and I gave up trying to speak to them. 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

Comments

tog redux's picture

There isn't much you can do, I'm sure you are right that their mother expects them to be loyal and to ignore you as they do. Sounds like your SO tries to get them to engage with you, to no avail. I doubt anything much will change until they are older, if ever. Do they interact with him? Do they seem to have a positive relationship with him and just pretend you aren't there? How often do they come over? What does he think should be done?

I think all you can do is ignore them right back and try to get out of the house, or keep busy when they are there.

Hollis7125's picture

Yes, the kids do interact with their father while they are here, but mostly they each hole up in their rooms. He has commented to me that they don't seem to want to be with him, either. They come over sporadically and he was going to their house instead for awhile but he recently started bringing them around again. 

My fiance has no ideas about my bonding with them because he struggles with bonding with them, too. I think you're right, this situation is what it is right now. 

It helped me to share it, thanks for commenting, much appreciated!

tog redux's picture

OK, so this is definitely Parental Alienation, do read up on it. They are being alienated from both of you, and you are correct that it's about BM and her pathology.

It's very hard to combat and I'm surprised the 16-year-old is still coming over. But your SO tiptoeing around in fear is not the right approach - he needs to be their father still.

CLove's picture

Hi - glad you found us.

First: this is YOUR home and that means you do NOT hole up in your bedroom at all, never. That being said, your SO needs to have a VERY stern and deep discussion with kiddos. About respect.

Second: You are spot on with your determination that the Bio mother (BM) is probably alienating the children against you. Research "Parental Alienation". There is not much you can do to battle this, not directly. Their loyalty to their mother is strong (it always is), and liking you or creating a relationship with you, will activate their "loyalty binds". Research that one too.

My SD14 Munchkin - we have a really great relationship. She and I have discussed this topic. I am VERY careful NOT to say anything negative about her mother Toxic Troll (unless she brings it up, which she does and then I just nod my head. AAAAAAHHHHHHH Uhuh...). But from the beginning we have always gotten along well. HOWEVER, that being said, even when she was 8 she would tell me that her mother would cry if she said something good about something I did for her.

Just this past weekend, she was upset and stressed about the fact that she "cant say anything positive about me or anything I do for her because it gets TWISTED". Shes mentioned this a bunch. And I try to imagine how me taking her shopping can get twisted..."oh you like cLove better than me, well you can go live with HER and your FATHER then..." or something like that.

Toxic Troll is a total Narcissist. AND she was the one that cheated and would hit and yell at DH. But blames him and calls him a terrible father...

ANYWAY. I have just always told her "you do NOT have to choose who to love, you can love us ALL". Thats what your SO should be saying to his kids. Its not respectful of them to shun you. Especially if he is thinking there is any kind of future with you. Something needs to change. 

Hollis7125's picture

I'm so glad that you and your SD14 have a great relationship and discuss things. That's what I was hoping for with my fiance's daughter. I gave her flute lessons and have offered to take her places but she always declines. I pictured us talking and doing fun things but apparently, she wants none of that from me. 

I agree with you that my fiance SHOULD be able to fix this in some way but, along with his nutjob exW who is a terrible parent, he's not much better than her. He has a lot of fear and mostly tiptoes around the kids, hoping for a bonding moment that may or may not come.

Before all this, I thought that children go through a divorce and then get therapy and move on but this family seems locked in their dysfunction with no end in sight. It just frustrates and upsets me that I could help and we could all be a family but I'm the only one who seems to want that. I have told my fiance exactly those words and he just says, "I'm sorry you're sad but I don't see either of us bonding with these kids. Maybe some other kids but not these". 

Thanks for letting me vent and share. 

CLove's picture

parenting out of fear never, absolutely never, works. If he doesnt already have one, perhaps suggest a court order that gives him a good schedule of visitation that all parties must adhere to. The children dont get to choose their own visitation schedule. He needs to get his b@lls back and be a parent to the kiddos. 

I just did a sexual harrassment training cert online course. In describing the different types of "harrassment and abuse", I was surprised to see that shunning is a type of abuse. If they dont want to get to know you and spend time with you, so be it, their total loss. But shunning is abuse and you are not to be subjected to this any further.

Shazloo1234's picture

Hi,

So very sorry to hear about this!!!

However my situation is so similar in many ways apart from I had an amazing relationship with my skids for 7nyears, apart from the last 2 when my bf had no contact either.

We are now at the point where skids hate me, do not want to visit us in our home. My bf went to see them a couple of weeks ago and my name was not put in his Christmas card. When my bf asked why, skids shrugged their shoulders. They are 14 and 12 now.

In the earlier years of them growing up I had a fantastic relationship with them and I was very close. We did fun things and they respected me. The BM has been extremely jealous and we had to go to court when the ex started playing up. I was always mentioned as the problem, social services got involved etc and it was proven there were no safeguarding issues etc.

Fast forward now... I am waiting to see what pans out. SD 14 said to her dad they only want to see him alone where they live(2 1/2 hours away)... we'll see what he says/does about it.....

I am so devastated, feel totally rejected, it's eating me up inside and I cannot seem to let it go.....I'm feeling disrespected and it's out of control. Seems bf would rather keep the ex happy and peaceful than me... I am waiting.....

 

Hollis7125's picture

Hi Shazloo1234:

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, too. I know exactly how you feel because of what your SD14 said/did. That's such an awful and hurtful feeling that keeping the ex happy is more important than your feelings. I hope your SD changes her mind/gets over herself so that you can be a family when you are together. You must really miss being close with your Skids.

I'm on Day Three of the two kids visiting and that consists of them staying in their rooms all day and then my fiance goes to the kitchen to make their meals. This morning, my SD15 asked her father if there were any pencils, while I was sitting right there. He turned to me to ask if there are any pencils and I said yes and handed them to her. She mumbled 'thanks' and shut her door. The next time she or her brother asks their father for something and it circles back to me, I'll hand it to my fiance, not the skids. If they want something around here but have chosen not to speak to me then I will not engage with them. 

Thanks for letting me vent on this issue again.  

Harry's picture

Your SK must respect you,  you are a adult, it's your home.  DH has to make them respect you.  It's your DH bad parenting that the problem 

Kaylee's picture

My sister met her partner about 4 years ago....to start with her adult daughter was very rude to the poor guy. Either ignored him, or snapped out an answer if he asked her something.

My sister did NOT put up with that behaviour, and her daughter got an ultimatum - either you be polite and civil to my partner or find somewhere else to live.

Now, they get on very well, and her daughter is mortified when she thinks about the way she treated him initially.

Hollis7125's picture

Thanks for commenting and sharing your story that your sister's adult daughter got over herself and was able to get along with her partner. 

I am working very hard on disengaging while they are teenagers but I hope that things will be different after they become adults. Probably not, but I will be ok either way.