A donation to a charity. Look up Heifer International and tell her you bought a herd of goats for a village so they can become self sufficient. When she complains or pouts because she didn't get anything material ask her how many times has she picked up the phone and called her Dad in the past year? There is only so many times you can extend your hand and get bitten every time until you stop extending the hand. You can also tell her that you have no idea what her tastes or preferences are as you never hear from her.

She is 19 not 9. She is playing the "Poor little me" game. She is trying to milk you all she can without any attempt to do anything in return. Actually giving this girl $2K worth of gifts last year with the outcome you received should make this perfectly clear to you. She doesn't want to be part of your life. So the door is shut, just not locked. She is welcome to come back when she knocks at your door. Does this work? Yes it does. It worked with my own daughter and my step son. I felt terrible for some time. But when we no longer were so available or our wallet wasn;t open they realised pretty damned fast the gravy train was gone.

Since you're determined to give her a gift, and she has her own home, a thoughtful gift would be a book on DIY Repairs and a starter tool kit. Even rebellious 19 year olds eventually need to fix something themselves when they can't afford a repair person.

It sounds to me like you are trying to buy her back. That if you can just find that perfect gift, she'll suddenly remember that she loves you and her Dad and will let you back into her life.

You've already told her that you are sorry that she feels you've hurt her. You've offered to pay for therapy and you've helped her set up her house.

Send her a card. Tell her again that you love her and if she ever would like to talk you are there for her. Then let her go, she'll either grow up and come back to you or she won't.

I would buy her something you think would open her heart. Teenagers like to play the victim game. But they also like to be loved. Buy her something small that only you and her would understand why it is special. You don't have to spend much.

Or a daily verse book, a unique journal, tickets for something you all must do together, or something she couldn't possibly use without feeling loved or thinking of you and your husband.

Please don't give up on her. No matter how hurtful she gets. Sometimes teenagers push you away because they are insecure and need to know who will "fight" for them. You're doing perfect by writing to her. Don't give up. I promise it will pay off.

All the posters have said very insightful things. But if you really want to get her a gift, a great gift would be luxury sheets. Who doesn't like those soft, high thread count, silky sheets that cost a fortune, would love to have, but can bring oneself to buy. Your sd will think of you guys every time she climbs into bed.

It is a rough position. And fairness doesn't come in to at this point. Either she's making excuses to push you away because she's doing things she knows you won't approve of and doesn't want to have to hide it or defend herself. Or... She has bought in to the alienation kool-aid so hard that trying so hard at this point will hurt your chances of he coming around. Or she knows exactly what she's doing because her mom has taught her how to get without having to give.

She's told you you've ruined her life. You're too awful to call, to visit, to go to therapy with... but you're good enough to accept 2 k worth of gifts from? I'm sorry - but if I honestly believed someone had ruined my life, I would not want s gift from them. Her willingness to accept gifts, to me, she's saying you ruined her life to make you feel guilty.

It is not reasonable, or fair to your other kids btw, to try to do the same gifting to her - who has repeatedly made clear she does not want a relationship. Buy her a card. Get her and the be a joint gift - gift card to a restaurant or something, mail it and let it go. Be honest with the grandparents - she is choosing to not have a relationship with your family at this time. Then tell them to get her a gift on their own as they see fit.

I also agree that you are chasing her. Several attempts at communications a week, words of we're here for whatever you need, gifts without a relationship or her understanding while you accept blame for whatever her mom has told her? Have you told her the truth, showed her the court documents behind why you were granted custody? Have you informed her that her mother is lying and showed evidence? Based on the addendum your husband wanted to add because he doesn't want his daughter to look bad, I'm thinking not and with the reasoning of not wanting to speak ill of her mother.... However. She's an adult now and the only way to combat the nonsense is with the truth. And that may not work either. Some kids, some people are devoted to an idea about what their parents are they will deliberately ignore or disbelieve anything that does not fit that picture. Her need to feel that her mother always loved her may require her to believe that you and her father truly are awful, evil people and there will be nothing you can do to change that.

It's awful and it's so very painful, particularly at holidays but it is not going to be fixed by fairness. If anyone else in your life said the things to you she has, told you you're too awful to even think about repairing the relationship with, would you continue to try to buy them things? Giving her gifts at this point is telling her it's okay to treat you this way. Beyond that, there is a good chance it is also telling her that you are to blame, she's right to blame you and you will continue to try to make amends to her for the wrong you've done her.

The best gift you can give a child is to let them learn important lessons in life. Your sd sounds entitled and cruel. You as parents, as hard as it may be, need to be the first ones to teach her that her behavior a appalling. She is still young and she will heal. But you cannot in good conscience encourage and reward behavior that is ungrateful and cruel. Taking a stand to teach your sd that she has choices and there are consequences is the best parenting, but it takes inner strength and sometimes it hurts us to do so. But that is what a good parent does!

I have been exactly in your shoes. Raised a SD from age 10 until 17 when BM came back into the picture after 5 years of zero contact.
BM promised the moon stars and everything in between. SD got angry at DH (now XDH) and myself for expecting good grades and the rules to be followed.
SD was a handful...would sneak, lie, run around with boys, have sex...etc. We had to keep a close eye on her at all times.
She decided BM was better for her and ran away to live with her at 17. SD came running back shortly after graduating HS when she realized that BM
had fed her a line of crap. SD spend a lot of time making up for the damage. Again no contact with BM for years.
SD has a baby, two years later BM comes back again into the picture. SD admits she only allowed it because BM was paying off some of her bills.
SD ends up moving out of state near BM and totally cuts me out of her life. She apparently was not allowed to be in my life in order
for BM to pay her bills. I was Grandma to her son, raised SD to be a good responsible, hard working person....and I have been shunned.
My GS was ripped from my life and I haven't seen him in two years. SD just stopped responding to my texts and calls. For a while I send gifts at the holidays
and cards hoping for contact. After two years, that has stopped. I will not chase her. She is an adult and making adult decisions and has to live with the consequences.
I hate if for GS but I can't be held hostage for a relationship.

Sometimes it is better to walk away and let them determine when and if they come back. Sounds like your SD has been PAS'd as mine was. I went from being her "mom" (her words) to being a stranger so she can get her bills paid. I don't need or want toxic people in my life so I let her go. No more cards, gifts or attempts at contact.

It is hard but you have to decide when enough is enough.

Wow, yea, that changes things a bit. You need to disengage. Tell your DH you understand he loves her and he would like things to be different and he needs to deal with gifts, cards etc. Make a budget together around what you're both okay with spending and then it becomes his deal. If he wants to buy gifts for her from grandparents, he needs to be the one to contact them about that too.

I would offer your husband an option of Christmas Eve dinner or Boxing Day brunch. And remember, SD will most likely decline the meal option. If she starts trying to trash talk either of you to your kids, then it's time to ask her to leave. See if you can get your husband into therapy. Keep protecting your kids. Let him deal with his daughter. Until she's ready to repair her relationship with him, you need to stay on the sidelines. When they've become more stable, you and the other kids can be brought in. But that's going to take some serious time once she's ready, if she's ready.

Cassi, I'm actually so bothered I had to say something else.

I am so angry at your husband for you right now. You're cruel if you don't reach out to this girl? Removing toxic people from your life is a fault?!

Cruel is him expecting you to put up with abusive treatment. From ANYONE. A fault is not protecting those you love from abuse and mistreatment. And what this girl has said to you and about you is certainly not treatment I would allow from anyone in my family towards my spouse. Threatening to turn your children against you is abusive. Trying to turn your children against you is abusive to both and them.

Cruel is him disparaging you in any way for trying to protect yourself and your children from this hateful girl's vitriol and actually expecting you to buy her bloody gifts on top of it?! Where is this man's head!? Him trying to make this Your fault in any way is hateful, deluded and Wrong in all senses of the word! He is the one that slept with a horrible person. He is the one had created this now adult child. She was his responsibility then and his to deal with now. His ex dripping evil whispers in her ear is not your fault. Her believing the poison is not your fault. Him choosing to nanny pamby, try to chase her garbage needs to be on him. You protecting yourself and your kids is the only rational thing to do in this situation.