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My stepchildren are abusive

Aydreda Francis's picture

Hello,

I have been married to my husband for the last fifteen years but I have lived with him for the last 21 years. When I moved into the family, the children were only 17 and 16 years-old. It was extremely hard because they were teenagers and I endured a lot of abuse but was extremely sympathetic because the children had lost their mother to cancer a few years earlier. My only daughter is a bit older than them;  they were  very hostile to her and they continue to be. She has never lived with us.

The relationship with the Stepson got much better after he graduated from University, got married and had his own children. His three children call me their granny and I love them to death. The relationship with the stepdaughter has always been problematic. At 36 she still feels that she, including her boyfriends, and now her fiancée have an entitlement to my matrimonial home. She is extremely attached to her father and he cannot stand up to her. He has said that he can never say "no" to her whenever she wants to come home.

Briefly, SD is getting married in August. Last year, there was a great party to welcome her boyfriend and his family into our family. I was all for it, but I was totally shocked when I got an invite from my SDIL who would be hosting the event at my home. They live all out of town, but the function was taking place at my home.

Her sister-in-law had asked her to organize the event, but had not told me or asked for my permission. My SDIL, who has been very polite and respectful towards me was not aware of this and when I confronted her, she apologized, but her my SS took offence at this because I had made very clear that I found her behaviour "disrespectful and totally unacceptable." 

To cut the story short, he started sending me abusive emails, "either you apologize to my wife, my sister and my father or you can spend the rest of your life on the peripheral of our family." This was followed by another email that said that I was not  to "initiate any conversation" with his wife and children or "contact them directly, in person or over the telephone, indefinitely!" 

Needless to say, that I was shocked but what hurt me most is the ban on not contacting his sweet and innocent children whom l love dearly. They are seven, five, and three years old.

The event took place at my home, but they chose not to come and I have not talked to them since November. Last month, they wanted "to talk" but I have refused to talk them unless there is a third-party mediator." The SD who caused all this misunderstanding has not said a word. She would never ask for my permission or apologize to me. I am not sure that she knows the harm she has caused. 

My husband has apparently told his son that his actions are not "defensible anywhere" but he refuses to intervene, thus, my refusal to talk to my SS and his wife without a mediator. 

I am in my 60s and retired, he is in 70s. I could not live on my pension if I moved out. My husband's children are his Powers of Attorney and the executors of his will. I am not sure that when the daughter gets married, the situation is going to change because I am at a point where I do not want to have anything to do with them. I have had it with their abuse.

Any advice on this situation will be greatly appreciated. Thank you. 

 

 

 

ndc's picture

Why do your husband's children have the POA?  That seems more a role for his wife.

SteppedOut's picture

Absolutely this. Perhaps if y'all havent been married long... but you have been. 

If your husband passes away, can they force you out of the home? 

ETA: Your future would probably be more secure if you divorced him! 

emmy70's picture

I would definitely discuss this with your husband and suggest he change his POA and ensure it is at least with a neutral party.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, why are they POA? My parents had each other as POA until my father died and now I am POA for my mother.

Do you have a will that leaves you in good shape when he dies? Or is he one of those that thinks his kids are more important than his wife of 20+ years and they will boot you out in the street ASAP? I'd get that fixed if it isn't already, and YOU should be the executor if you survive him.

Your husband is a wimp, but you know that already. He's afraid of his kids and while he might feel a tiny bit bad that they are being rude to you, he won't do anything about it.  I'd get the financial affairs in order, for sure.  Consult an attorney - perhaps a divorce would force a fair money settlement if he won't change his will?

 

Kes's picture

Your DH is being a bit of a wuss about this.  He needs to step up and have your back, also change his will regarding POA and executors.    If you have lived with your husband for over 20 yrs then you should expect some financial protection in the event of divorce or death. 

Doodlemadmummy's picture

The essence here I think is your husband choosing not to stand up to his daughter and his son.  You say he feels unable but he is actually unwilling - he just doesn't want to run the risk of losing them. If he's anything like my partner he can get in my face and put me in my place, but will always make excuses if expected to make his daughter accountable for her actions.  Her shit doesn't stink.  Without doubt your husband should be presenting a united front and standing shoulder to shoulder with you.  Sadly your SD has been invited to take up position between you and your husband - she knocked that wedge home a long time ago - she behaves that way simply because she can.

I feel sorry for your SDIL who you say you have enjoyed a meaningful and respectful relationship with - she is as much a victim as you are in all this.  It seems she too is under the cosh from HER husband.  I would like to think you could build bridges with her at the very least. In my opinion it is the SS at fault here - he has the right to his own opinion but to speak on behalf of his father, his wife and his sister is merely gang mentality, gang warfare.  It is often the case when an aggressor doesn't have sufficient ammunition on their side, they "bring others into the room" to bolster their argument. 

I'm interested what reasoning your husband gives for not intervening, as he is clearly the common denominator in all this. Is he still seeing them without you, and having contact with the children?

And how do you really feel about this>  Regardless of the POA and everything that goes with it, do you genuinely want to stay in this relationship or are you, like me, retired and feeling the only option is to live life out in a loveless relationship?  

Aydreda Francis's picture

"She behaves that way simply because she can." You got this one right. That is why I am seriously contemplating leaving the relatioship. I have reached a point where I do not want to have anything to do with SD, and now SS.

I appreciate your comments. Thanks.

2Tired4Drama's picture

If I were you, I'd go and visit an attorney (on your own, without your husband's knowledge) and see what your legal rights are should your husband die.   Use a firm/atty that is not the same as your husband's.  You may also want to include your daughter in the appointment, if you feel that would be appropriate.  At the very least, tell her about this as she needs to know the situation you are in.  

It is very concerning that DH has his kids as POA and executors.  That gives them complete power over settling his affairs which means they could make your life absolute misery.  The skids (and their spouses) have now made it very clear that they will kick you to the curb for the slightest infraction or misunderstanding.   You should be VERY worried about this if you cannot support yourself without resources from your DH or his estate.

Honestly, the family situation is an entirely different animal and something you should put on the back burner for right now.  The immediate issue is to address your very fragile legal and fiscal status with regards to what your DH plans to do. 

Keep in mind that he can change his will again, dependent upon what his kids cook up.   That's why it's time for you to get advice NOW.   Best of luck ...

Aydreda Francis's picture

Thank you very much for your advice. I am determined to go and see my family lawyer. The SS said that he wants to talk to me and I I have set my conditions. We must be a third-party mediator who is either a family counsellor, family therapist or a lawyer. If this fails, then I am going straight to my family lawyer.

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Aydreda, I'm going to give you some tough-love here because I'm worried about your situation.

Get your head out of your butt - you are in a very fragile financial and legal state.  Your DH has put his kids in charge of his affairs, not you.  Do you understand how serious that is???

Yet you want to sit around and hope for some sort of reconciliation with your skids.  Do you really think that will make any of this go away?  It won't!   You need go straight to your family lawyer NOW.   If you think that somehow you will magically fix the relationship with them you are seriously misguided.  

These kids will turn on you like a pack of jackals the SECOND your DH passes away.  They will use those documents against you and will fight you tooth and claw on every issue.  They will use their own lawyers (and powers of attorney) to make your life miserable.  Your DH (with his kids' input) may have signed stuff that will leave you very vulnerable - despite what you say about laws in Canada.  Unless you are an attorney yourself I would not take anyone's word on anything including your DH.

I just saw this happen to an elderly neighbor.  Her kids came in and got POA and when their mom died they gave him two weeks to get out of the house.  

Imagine your DH has a stroke and is completely incapacitated.  His kid has POA.  Kids decide to sell the house which means you have to move out.  Or his kids decide to make other financial decisions which may negatively affect you.  

Don't think it can't happen to you.  

 

Aydreda Francis's picture

2Tired4Drama,

I hear you and I appreciate your advice. It is kind of complicated right now. SS is willing to go for mediation but I do not think that it is going to change the way SS, SDIL and SS feel about me. I want to give SS and his father the doubt, and I want to hear what the mediator has to say about this. 

SD is expecting a baby in about two month's time and a wedding is planned for 15th August. I do not want to appear like a wicked stepmother who starts separation proceedings at a time like this. I know I should look out for myself, but it would be extremely awkward if I am not present at the wedding. At the same time,  I also do not know if I will be depending on whether or not we settle this conflict amicably.

The children cannot throw me out of the home because my name is on the title. Should this end in a divorce though, I stand to lose his pension which is  enough to meet my needs, but what if he lives to be 90 years old!  It is not an easy situation. 

 

Aydreda Francis's picture

Thank you very much for your advice. I am very worrried about the situation as I should. I am taking the necessary steps to protect myself and I am willing to do whatever it takes to demand treatment with dignity and respect in this relationship.

 

ESMOD's picture

First,  I don't necessarily see anyone's actions as "abusive" here.  Entitled Aholes? yes.. but abusive... I don't see that part.

I do think that there was a very big misunderstanding regarding that party and SDIL's plans to have it at your home.  You seemed to have strongly come at her with accusations of her being rude and presumptuous.. when in reality.. it sounds like she was just as much a victim of not knowing that you didn't know about the plans either.

I think her husband took offense at you "attacking her before you had the facts". Add in that his sister likely did give him a bit of sway influence.. and that is why you stand where you stand.  

Yes.. you did owe his wife an apology for jumping to conclusions if in fact she had been told that the location had been approved of already.  I'm not sure what you have to apologize to the SD/Sister for though???? unless he is pulling in bunch of other slights he feels he and his sister endured.

Unfortunately, your DH is the one that should be dealing with his kids on this kind of stuff.  When you saw the invite.. I would have made HIM find out what it was all about.. you might actually have found HE had approved it without your knowledge... His inability to draw boundaries is subjecting you to overstepping.

Aydreda Francis's picture

Thanks for your advice.

So you do not think that stepchildren coming out town and thrown a party in my matrimonial home without my knowledge and permission is not abusive?

I would never say no, if they had asked me or even had the courtesy to inform me, but to send me an invite is, I think, disrespectful. 

ndc's picture

Had they ever mentioned this party to your husband?  Regardless, I think assuming they could use what I'm sure they consider their father's house without your permission is presumptuous and rude, but I would not call it abusive.

Aydreda Francis's picture

Their father's house is also my matrimonial home, and assuming that they can do whatever they want as if I do not exist is more than "presumptuous" in my opinion. Could I ever walk in their homes and throw a party for their father, without their permission?

ESMOD's picture

First, this kid of event is typically hosted by parents of the children.. and often in the parent's home especially in situations where the kids may not be local.. and parents usually have a larger home more suited to this type of thing.

Second, it sounds like your poor SDIL did accidentally step in it by sending out the invites on an assumption that the people living in the host home agreed to allow it's use for the venue.  This misunderstanding could have been two ways.. first your SD may have asked her dad if it would be ok.. maybe in a really general way.. and he may have said something like.. "gee, that sounds like a nice idea" and she ran with it and gave her SIL the info to send out invites.

but it doesn't sound like your SDIL intentionally was trying to host at your home with out asking.. she likely assumed everyone knew.  her husband did defend her because he felt she was being unfairly raked over the coals.

Third... it is NOT abusive.  Is their father calling it abusive because they planned without his knowledge? (did they.. or did he tell them it was ok in some fashion).

It was presumptuous... but it is not a terribly far reach for kids to still consider their family home.. "their home"...it is much less likely that a parent would need/want to host an event at a child's home...

So.. did SD overstep? sure.. Ithink that you should have known prior to seeing an invite.  I think it would have been nice for you to have been asked.. even if it was your DH telling you that he had given them permission.  But.. I think you overreacted with your SDIL.... and I think that if you would have been inclined to allow this anyway.. maybe what really would have been appropriate is to gently remind SD that you really need to be aware of these kinds of plans so that you can plan your own schedule.. so please next time.. make sure she asks you.

I don't think it's abusive at all though  I think it's boorish.

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need legal advice, ASAP. Get that sorted, protect your interests, and then get you and your H into marital counseling.

I once asked my DH to describe in detail what he thought would happen to me if he died. Who would notify his sisters and daughters (we are estranged from them all), how he thought they would behave, how would I be treated by them, etc. I wanted him to have an understanding of what my position TRULY is and the difficulties I would have to contend with during what would be an already dark time. It was obvious he had never given it a second thought, but I clued him in. Have you ever had such a convo with your H?

piegirl's picture

I had that conversation with my DH and I couldn't believe how clueless he was regarding how they would treat me. He still lives in lalaland thinking that they wouldn't give me a hard time....rather than arguing the point I just locked up our wills even tighter...

Aydreda Francis's picture

Yes, I have but he does not think that his children would ever throw me out of the home. I am protected by Canadian law, but I think that it would be an ugly situation and I do not want to wait for that.

CLove's picture

MIL - DH's 97- year old mother - passed away last month and I have been discussing things like wills, and now poa.

Also such things as life insurance (I have it through work he has nothing), hospital, revival, ttc.

My official word is that you need to consult an attorney. Get things settled. Have those conversations.

I have told DH that I would let folks know if he was in the hospital or passed away. People that I dont normally talk to like SD20.

He wants cremation and his ashes scattered over the ocean. Im like that sounds good.

You should really get your DH on board with standing by your side. Its been too long for that not to happen.

Aydreda Francis's picture

My DH refused to accept that this is the kind of confliclt that has the potential to break our marriage. I think that the only time he will take me seriously, is whenI tell him that I am leaving! 

Doodlemadmummy's picture

Your DH is deluded.  He is distorting the reality of what is going on - t's the easiest way rather than face what is going on.  It sounds like he wouldn't even consider it would be YOU that walks!!

Wanderer's picture

Hey. Maybe if your username is close to your actual name you might want to amend that. I'd hate for you to have more trouble. Just saying because it looks like a real name. 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

Reading this thread absolutely scares me to death about my own life and future.  I also am married to a spineless husband.  

I don't even know you and just want you to be protected.  My heart hurts for you.  I know there are some here saying that this isn't abuse but I can understand why you are feeling personally that it is, your emotions are raw and rightly so.  

Take your daughter and see your attorney to protect yourself before this gets even messier.  

I HATE being in a blended family.  You look back over 20 years and in the beginning we are so often blinded by love and do not even think about the future as we age and our Step kids become adults who think they still have a say over things that only we should have a say over.

NYCEastside's picture

I am in a very similar position to yours and have seen a real life example of what happens. Through my work, I was once dealing with a couple who had been married for 45 years. It was a second marraige and there were significant assets - including an apartment on Fifth Ave. and an art collection. After being a "happy" blended family for all these years, as soon as he passed, his daughter demanded that the 91 year old widow leave the apartment. The law suit went on for 4 years and cost thousands and thousands of dollars. By the time it ended, the widow was near death, all of the furnishings that she and her late husband had bought together were gone, and the woman was broken-hearted that the man she trusted and love had allowed this to happen to her. Worst of all was that he was an attorney and knew exactly what he was doing. What a betrayal !

 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

I would say this type of thing happens more often than not!!!  Goes to show loyalty is not to the wife but to the kids.  We spend our lives giving and giving only to get kicked while you are almost in your own grave.

Rags's picture

"Child, which is how you are acting.  This is MY home and MY marriage is between MY husband and I.  I will contact who I wish when I wish.  Note, that if you ever set foot on MY property without prior invitation from ME, you wil be considered an invader and will have to deal with the police. If you do not immediately leave when confronted all necessary force will be applied to protect myself from your stated animosity towards me.  Don't F' with me little boy. You will lose. Now, grow TF up and pull your pathetic little boy head out of  your ass or it will cost you access to MY home and MY family."

I cannot even immagine the hell that would come down on me and on my brother if we treated our father's wife as your DH's spawn are behaving towards you.  Your DH needs to put his foot up the asses of both of his children. Since he isn't, it speaks very highly of you that you are. Be ready to take everything if your DH gets any more squirrely in all of this.

FairMinded's picture

I have a VERY similar situation with my adult step children. My husband, who is a widower, has two friends instead of family members as the executors of his will. We had also created a pre-nup that gives me finanical protection from his children. You could arrange a post-nup to protect you.

My husband sees his children's unfair and abusive behavior toward me (as do his first wife's best friends and family members). I now keep a hearty distance from the kids. I will not have a conversations with them unless there is a 3rd party present. It's otherwise a circular painful argument that goes nowhere. They say there is nothing wrong with what they say to me or how they say it. They won't go with me to a therapist, so we have not gotten far in the past year. 

My husband's children are not allowed at the house any more when I am there. I encourage my husband to have them when I am not home and to take vacations with them without me. The almost complete disengagment we have had the past year has been helpful to my nerves and, I believe, has shown them I must be treated respectfully.

My SD is now asking if we can talk. We have had some wonderful times together as a family in the past. She will be getting engaged soon. That is why I think she wants to reconcile. My husband will have a talk with my SD first about about the language she needs to use with me if she wants to be in my company and home. If she agrees to try harder and apologize if she blows up at me, I am happy to start rebuilding our relationship. I'm not looking for perfection, just fairness and respect. 

I hope you find common ground.