To be or not to be... the grandma
My situation... Married 6 yrs, my H is 10 yrs older than me with 2 Bio kids in mid to late 20's. I have a bio 4 yr old. My H married 1st time at 21 years old, I married for the first time (him) in mid 30's.
My MIL has no other kids and has taken the place of the BM in being a pain. BM is very hands off and respectful (she cheated on my H and regrets it and respects him). My MIL was very jealous, is retired, widowed and had no other children. She also lived 10 mins away when we got married. She could be kind to my face but very PA and at times downright hostile. If anyone had any feeling off loss by Hs marriage she would be there for them, helping them weave their sense of loss into projection at me for a made up character flaw. She is an ace at this and in her defense it is almost subconscious (trust me I'm not defending her much).
SDIL is toxic. When I helped get ss a job (it was total nepotism from my family member) that require they move out of state (temporarily), she started to hate me. Instead of telling her boyfriend (ss) she didn't want to do move, she accused me of trying to ruin her life and take her away from her mother who she lived with (she is 32 now and still lives there). She and MIL were hostile to me and gossiped about me for almost 3 yrs because I tried to help ss and SDIL with this job.
In this job SS would have been making over 6 figures without a college degree. Prior to this, he could only get a part time job for $10/hour at Lowes. He wasn't marrying SDIL in part because she was on public aid being single. SDIL and ss have always lived with SDIL"s or SS's mom because they couldn't afford to move out. Ss also didn't desire to marry her (despite 2 kids) so she hated everyone else (and I mean hateful). He asked her to marry her as soon as he got the job, which is what I had hoped for. She eventually told him she didn't want to move and threatened to take the kids and leave him if he didn't quit.
Okay so SDIL recently apologized and admitted to all of this. She says she acted like this because she was abused as a child(well guess what, me too, but I don't act like this). I appreciate the apology but she apologized once 2 yrs ago and then proceeded to act the same for the next 2 yrs. As a side note I found out she had previously (without confrontation) apologized to my H and sd for being so rude but left me out. I was treated with the most hatred out of the family by SDIL by a long shot (admitted by H) but she only apologized to me(sounded very sincere though) after being confronted. Admitting that I "had done nothing wrong", only tried to help her.
She also sounded a bit like "okay now that I apologized, it's all good". Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different animals for me and I don't want to be in relationship with her.
Sorry for the long background but I wanted to state my situation. The biggest part of the background is that, after 5 yrs ago, after I was only married a yr, my ss lifted his new baby up and called me "grandma". After this I told my husband that I guess I really could be a grandma to this child because he would grow up with me (couldn't be parents to adult skids because they were too old, but could be a grandma to their kids). Thus, at the next family event, my H referred to me once as grandma.
Well (this was before the job) MIL and SDIL and SS (I honestly think ss may not have been getting what was happening) took me out shortly thereafter. I had just had a baby and had total postpartum (which they all knew). My Step Grandson came out of car and my MIL grabbed him and said "She is not the grandma, she is *** (my name), I am the Grandma!!" This rhetoric (literally pointing at me (not the grandma) and then pointing at MIL (great Grandma) and saying "THIS is grandma" went on for at least an hour in a Dennys. That I didn't break down crying is beyond me. I was so exhausted with a new baby and in a new state (I'm from Chicago, I was living in CA, just moved there a 1.5 yrs before this) and knew practically no one but them.
Fast forward to 5 yrs later. ss finally asked SDIL to marry him. They married a little over a yr ago. Before the next Christmas I requested (via my H) that I be called something other than my first name as I was raised that this was disrespectful. My ss (who I've had relatively little problems with) said "I'm not sure why we stopped calling her grandma" (either he doesn't remember or he wasn't part of the Denny's conspiracy! He is fairly clueless about mean girl behavior and may have not have perceived what was going on).
So SDIL started calling me grandma. My ss shortly thereafter moved away for a yr (joined the military and left for training) and my SDIL proceeded to avoid us and act hostile. While my ss just came back at Christmas and I didn't go because I was so tired my H family (ss and sd are least of my problems, though sd has pulled some whammys and they both have been cool and standoffish at times- this is also their temperments).
Anyway, after christmas sd called H upset that I hadn't come (hadn't stuck up for me previously when I was treated like crap though). My feelings toward the family all came out via this event. SDIL responded, admitting to all of this, but like I said earlier she's done that before. I think she is sincerely sorry but after yrs of this, I forgive her but I really don't want a relationship. MIL acted shocked that I perceived any hostility but at least I confronted her.
So now the grandma thing. I am disengaged from the family but will see them at family events once in awhile. I have been called grandma but after all that's happened I don't feel like a grandma and I know SDIL hated me and didn't want me to be called this.
So now I'm stuck with a weird relationship where I'm supposed to be the grandma but I don't want to see SDIL which means I won't see Step grands or ss (ss is sooo quiet I never get time with him anyway). I don't stop my son from seeing them. ss just came home after a yr of being away.
I feel bad for now seeing him but I really need time to focus on my H and bio child. My H can see him as much as he wants (I will see him, but not go to family functions my MIL frequently has where SDIL is present). I have not said to anyone "I won't see SDIL". I simply stated that I needed time to back off from family events after all that has happened.
Their children are 2 yrs older and younger (they have 2) than my 4 yr old son. After being told I wasn't the grandma for yrs and being an instant gma at 36, it just feels so uncomfortable. The kids don't really call me gma, it's always been discussion among the adults (MIL... "No one else is grandma but me" SDIL... bypassing me at Christmas a hundred times... "go tell grandmPa (not me) "thank you" for the presents" the grandkids would have to physically go past me who was next to them and walk 10 feet to thank H for the presents I bought).
So here I stand, disengaged recently, but knowing I'm going to see them off an on and need to establish my name with these kids. I don't feel comfortable with the name "grandma" after all that's happened. Even if everyone is willing to call me grandma now, after yrs of being told I wasn't, it almost is a trigger when I hear the word because of all the stress related to it. I don't want to declare suddenly "I'm not grandma". But I want things to be more on my terms (I was never 100% comfortable with this anyway as I had just met his ss when I became a instant step grandma and I was only 36).
How do I handle this? Any suggestions?
If I were you, after all
If I were you, after all this, I would not be at any family function. Sorry, but they don't deserve your time. Honestly, you were way more nice about all of this than I would have been. That said, I have a Stepmom, that came into my life when I was in my 20's. Nice lady and we get along great. My son calls her by her nickname, which is a shortened version of her name. She does not interfere in our lives and visits with my dad once a year. My Dad comes by himself when he wants.
I think you just find some nickname that works. But, I understand about the Grandma title, they have ruined it for you. It will always leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Honestly, your SS sounds dense and he should have handled it along with your DH. Now, it is way too late and if I were you, I would avoid every family function I possibly could.
The public correction to a
The public correction to a little kid of who "grandma really is" is just so disgustingly PETTY is borders on stupidity. Lots of kids have 3-4 "Grandmas" and it's not an issue. This woman is a lonely miserable spinster that has NOTHING else going on in her life but to busy herself with making you feel unwelcome in order to make HERSELF feel more valuable or involved.
If I were you, I would openly say, in front of the other adults, "What is wrong with you ***? Does it make you feel better to try to humiliate me in front of a CHILD? Maybe you need some counseling or a hobby?" with a tone of feigned concern, and then tell the kids something like "It's ok to have more than one Grandma, she is gramma ****, and I am Gramma *** and we both love you" and give them a big hug and try to move on.
As far as giving any weight to the bile she is spewing, I would totally ignore her, when she does that stuff in public, act like you don't even hear her speaking and continue acting in an appropriate manner of a grand mother. The kids will get it, they always understand way more than the adults realize and after a while they will wonder WTH is wrong with "Gramma X" when she starts to lose it and act out even more when she isn't getting her desired response out of you, and she will. Just keep acting as if her words mean NOTHING, do what YOU want to do, don't engage her in an argument or discussion of who is right and wrong, but what is better for you and your husband and the grand kids.
In the end I think you are just letting this miserable old bitch get to you and that just gives you the power over you and the family that she obviously so desperately craves.
Good point, bypass the whole
Good point, bypass the whole issue, after all this IS just about a WORD/Title.
My son had a Grampa Rich, a PaPa Steve, Gramma Laura, Gramma Kris, his Great Grandma was Gramma May.
One of my friends have titles like Meemaw and Papaw, or Doodaw and other cutsey things that kids enjoy using that just stick for life.
Look at it this way, you can turn it around and look right her and say "Yes she is a Grand Mother, I am *instert cute nickname here*, now come over here and climb up on your ****'s lap and let me hug you!" and smile really big at her as you say it. }:) }:)
The kids don't care what you are CALLED, the bitter old bag saying all that does, and knows that it is getting to you by doing it, so take that little source of entertainment away from her.
Your pain and rejection to
Your pain and rejection to this situation is apparent. I am not sure I would want to be called grandma either after being "beaten up" about it.
Is there another term that can be used that doesn't mean grandma or will not tread on the MIL's grandma status? You don't feel comfortable by them calling you by your first name? I can see that although I thought I was too young to be a grandma when it happened to me and I wanted my grandkids to call me by my first name ~ it didn't happen though and I am reluctantly grandma.
I can suggest doing an internet search on "grandma" and see if there are any other names that they can address you by. If you are irish, what are grandma's called in Ireland..
Good Luck in your search
Discuss with your DH how hurt
Discuss with your DH how hurt you feel that the kids are not encouraged to thank you for gifts. He has to step up to the plate and say something like "Well you are welcome but the person who shopped till she dropped for your gift is "stepJenna". And she wrapped everything. Isn't she the best?"
He needs to raise you up in his eyes and damned to everyone else.
Find a nickname. My MIL doesn't like Grandma, she is Baubles. My grand daughter calls me "Grandma Mum". My daughter calls me Mum so Grandma Mum is 'perfkit' for me. And her baby brother will call me Grandma Mum as well.
Avoid functions where the Klan gather. You can periodically show up for 30-45 minutes but then have 'another obligation." Let the tag-team rip you to shreds behind your back. They are trivial gnats. This will give your son enough time to see his half neices/nephews as neccessary. If your DH wants to stay he can. But you leave. And go and have a nice shower and wash the animosity off your body.
This is time for your DH to put SDIL in her place and let her know that her precence in your life will be peripheral at best.
Thanks for all your insight!
Thanks for all your insight! If you don't mind, please keep coming with the names. I've heard some great ones, but I haven't heard one that quite fits. Esp because I've been allowed so little time with them. A cutesie one, though nice,at this point would seem strange since I don't have much of a relationship with them.
I never chose "grandma" my ss actually did when given a choice by my H a few months ago (besides when he did it initially). I don't think he has any idea what I've gone through. Though he's aware of how difficult his wife is, like a good husband he won't talk about it to others.
I feel less alone talking about this. Thanks so much for all your support.
It also brings up hurtful and angry feelings, but I guess it's a good purging of sorts.
I'm so happy to be disengaged, I just have to figure out the details like these.
I agree wholeheartedly with
I agree wholeheartedly with everyone here, so won't repeat anything everyone else has said. I too, am dealing with crap like this -- and will end up not being called grandma, and have come to terms with it, for the most part. A little boy that i babysit calls me "Mimi" --- what i was thinking for you is what about "Gigi" pronounced "geegee" -- I think that would be easy for the kids to pronounce and it would be fun. What do you think??
I feel your pain! When SS
I feel your pain! When SS and his GF had their baby (soon to be 1) the other two (ex-wife and GF’s mother) seemed to have the first pick of “I’m going to be called ______”
I thought, whatever… SS and GF live in our house, I see this baby nearly every day of his life so far, I just refer to myself in the third person “you’re grandmom’s big boy”
Then not too long ago, my SS (who can be a spiteful little prick) said to me “my Mom’s grandmom”
I said “well, I guess he’s got two grandmom’s then” and he pressed the issue. I finally said “I don’t really care what your Mother decides to call herself, or what GF’s mother calls herself. My grandmother was Grandmom, and that’s what I prefer to be called”
I excused myself from the room and that was it. Does it mean that I was any less hurt? No friggin way! The “mother” (ex-wife) abandoned these kids and her husband (my H) and went off with her drug-dealer boyfriend to lead a life full of booze and drugs.
Just because she’s clean and sober now (thank God) doesn’t make her mother of the year, and it doesn’t mean that she now can lay claim to the title of “Grandmom”
I am the one (along with my H) who watches the kid when their schedules conflict. My H is the one that will take him out of his crib when the two lazyass parents decide to sleep in on a Saturday, and WE are the ones who feed, change and take care of him when they’re sleeping or busy or whatever.
My SK's are jewish and call
My SK's are jewish and call their Grandparents on my husbands side - Sabba and Safta. Grandparents in Yiddish.
I think you need to find something within your nationality and go from there. My mom tried Gigi when my son was born because she thought she didn't like Grandma...6 Grandkids later she is Grandma whether she likes it or not. On Grandkid calls her Grandmama, because she has three. She has a Stepgrandma. She is Grandma "Firstname".
Just do some research and find something that works for you....
My grandkids call me Nana.
My grandkids call me Nana.
Why not Google cute names for Grandma and see what you come up with.
I actually did and I did look
I actually did and I did look up ethnic grandma names. I simply haven't found one that fit. My DHs ex is nana and my SDILs mom is a spanish gma name. My MIL is the Only grandma. She can have that title, thank you. I plan on researching more. Thanks for the input from everyone.