I agree with snickers, it would not be fair on the mother to add further conflict to her already troubled mind on the issue. I imagine everyone knows the truth, it might look like 'the lady doth protest too much' if you start to assert yourself now and you will lose credibility.

I agree with most other posters, let it go. The SDIL's mother is going to back her regardless of whether she knows she is lying or not. You know the old adage of blood being thicker than water.

And, and this is tough, why do you care what she thinks anyway? You are refused the right to visit the grandkids by the SDIL. Regardless of what you say to her mother, when it gets back to your SDIL she is going to deny every bit of it and will just add more fuel for hier fire.

I had the a similar experience with my SDIL. As a matter of fact, SDIL and MIL were by far the two worse culprits. SDIL lost nothing by my marrying my DH, she simply capitalized on MIL and SDs loss (i.e. DH got married).

Lots of false accusations. Honestly, I just walked away. I simply wasn't going to spend my life around her and MIL putting out fires and trying to convince people of my good intentions.

Like I said in an earlier post, I've observed the biggest perpetrators are the ones running around and telling everyone else how they have been a victim. There have been a couple of times in my life when people have mistreated me and then run around telling everyone how hurt they are by my response (e.g. I don't visit, don't let them babysit my child). They never say why I did it of course. That would not serve them.

It really bothered me for a long time because basically SDIL and MIL were ruining my reputation with many people. Finally, I just drew away and figured that there was nothing I can do. If people know me well enough, and know them, they will figure it out. Otherwise, life is too short to let people dictate what I'll do with my time.

I have found that generally going to the person who is the receiver of the gossip doesn't help. They usually want to hear gossip and lies and not the truth. People who don't like gossip and lies are not listening to the lies spread by SDIL in the first place.

The person receiving and enjoying the gossip is oftentimes as much of a culprit as the person giving it. It's too messy and inconvenient to hear the truth. It's simpler to believe one person's version and to act accordingly. Hearing the truth messes up people's beliefs and all the fun they had gossiping.

For others, like my SD, hearing the gossip was rewarding because it helped validate her contempt towards me for feeling displaced by her dad's marriage.

My SDIL also obviously gossiped to her mom. SDILs mom was worse than SDIL as far as I could tell, so I didn't really care.

There were friends of ss & SDIL, who I never spoke to, who were obviously sympathetic towards me. They knew how SDIL was. She can be very divisive and clinically paranoid (really). People with integrity aren't going to just buy whatever is said about someone else.

SS was not on board with his wife either.

Initially, what was said really bothered me because there were accusations that I had done things that went against my morals and beliefs. I have had to let it go.

There is a verse in the Bible that gave me a lot of comfort. It is in James 5:9 "Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!"

The Judge is standing at the door. God sees all and notes those who falsely accuse and mistreat us. He also notes my sin. I'm trying to only be concerned about what He thinks of me, and let Him deal with what other's have done. I pray that things will be made clear but I'm not going to spend my life trying to undo other peoples lies. Life's too short for me to focus on them. There are too many important things for me to do in this life. Trying to put out their fires would take my focus off what I need to do.

By the way, since I've disengaged there seems to be much greater respect and less gossip.

In the end Christ was silent before His accusers. I've observed my silence (disengaged) has more impact than anything my words could accomplish.