Thank you for all your responses. If only it was that easy. Yes...all 3 SSs have been on drugs .I knew what I was getting into...just didn't know it would last this long. Dh has definitely shown tough love to his sons, but then when they start doing better, he gets sucked back in and helps again (enable). I married a man with a past addictions of his own and an ex-wife with mental problems. The DNA from these 2 never should have mixed. Dh has moved past his, but his sons inherited them PLUS their mental issues from their mother. As my counselor said, I married into a family of mental illness. uh huh However, after my divorce in 2007 (after 25 years of marriage), I felt strong enough to take on the world (which was probably my problem). I fell in love with a man who needed me and I felt strong enough to do it. Over the course of 5 years, I feel tired and worn down. As much as I appreciate everyone's advice, I find it interesting on these boards how many posters are quick to say "just leave!". I'm 54 years old and was not raised to bail on someone you love (aka marriage) just because the going gets tough. Whatever happened to "in good times and in bad" and "for better or worse"?? I sure saw MY parents go through tough times and did they ever bail...heck no! And have now enjoyed 58 years of marriage. Today's mentality on marriage disgusts me and I feel has contributed to many of our societies problems today (broken families). Anyway, yes...being married to dh has had his good times as well...which, actually, have outweighed the bad. He's my best friend and playmate, but, unfortunately, our 7 adult kids have really caused issues. At least, however, none of our kids have been outright disrespectful towards either of us, but have hurt us in other ways. I also think dh and I are alot like others in second marriages...we're working harder to make it last because we don't want to be "two time losers". We've lost alot of respect for each other over the years due to parenting our children, so it's hurt us, no doubt, but we keep plugging away. I agree that bio-parents most likely will always choose their kids over their 2nd spouse. I would and I know dh definitely would. He was a single father who knows he's ALL his sons have to depend on. My DDs have their father to bail them out financially...and he does. God bless us all.

Thanks again for all the wise words. I hear you all and give thought to all of it. I have thought about attending Al-Anon meetings, but have a hard time going out again after a long day of work. As I said, things have gotten better and dh and I honestly DO make time for each other. This holiday weekend, we're spending at a cabin and will do nothing but enjoy each other's company. My daughters are all self-sufficient now except my youngest in college. The problem dh and I really have is the differences between our children. He holds different standards for mine vs. his because his (boo hoo) have mental/addiction issues and MY kids have good genes and are normal. So, I'm supposed to be all kind/sympethetic towards his and just be glad they're not doing drugs. SS32 is totally on total government assistance for mental illness (dh has cut ties with him); SS31 gets disability from the VA for PTSD and SS21 lives in a safe house and gets food stamps. So, yes...they all have assistance of some kind. As I said, things have gotten better, but the double standard dh has for my kids vs. his just bothers me. Maybe I am in the wrong and SHOULD be more compassionate...I don't know. I just have never been around mental illness, so admit...I haven't done well. I even get it from my MIL about how her grandsons didn't grow up in the stable environment MY kids did, blah, blah, blah...Even my counselor (yes...I've been in counseling) told me I should soften my heart towards SS21. I feel like dh and everyone else wants me to be some kind of mother to his adult sons and I don't have the bond with them that dh and his family do. They were basically grown by the time we met and I feel no connection to them and have no memories of them as children. The only thing I've known of them is bad...up until recently.

As for dh, he cleaned up his act in his 30's when he got custody of his sons, but did get financial help from his parents...probably mostly due to the fact he HAD kids he had to support on his own. So, yes...he had help. What dh has that his children don't is intelligence (successful in his career) and a strong mental ability to overcome his demons. I see SS31 possibly being able to do it, but SS21 is not smart or strong mentally. I fear for what might still lay ahead with him.

I agree with all of you who said I need to start putting my marriage first. I'm getting better at just supporting dh in ways he feels he needs to help his sons and he with my daughter. We may not agree, but we're starting to just keep our opinions to ourselves...which is one reason I turn to my counselor and these boards. Sometimes I just need to vent.

So the title of my vent was correct. The reason I disengaged from SS21 was I had a gut feeling there was more to come. I was right. Dh texted me last night (he's out of town on business), to let me know SS21 will be homeless as of this Friday. The safe house has kicked him out. I was having dinner with friends, so didn't have my phone close by, so haven't spoken to dh yet, but I can tell he's upset. The drama that surrounds his kids is just too much. We will be talking about SS21 tonight, I'm sure. Exhausting. At this point, I don't know if he got kicked out because he's been there long enough after rehab or if he's gone back to using drugs (hope not). He's been clean for 9 months and at least has a job. I just know from living with him before that I don't want to do it again, but may have to until he figures out what to do. What I WILL make sure of is that he has an "end date" and a plan to move out on his own. I still think the military is a good idea, but with his drug history, that's probably not an option.

Thank you, Cat! Your post was exactly the validation I needed! The unfortunate part of it all is that my disengaging and the way we parent our own children has caused hard feelings on both our parts. (I admit to having a bit of enabling tendencies of my own with my youngest.) He used to treat me with respect and was kind...now... not so much. He's critical and not so loving. The problems we have had with adult children has definitely impacted our marriage and sometimes I fear for it. We are totally honest and open with each other and communicate well, but it's definitely taken its toll. I'm hoping this long weekend we can reconnect.

As for SS21, he got kicked out of the safe house as he's been smoking weed. The drug tested him and found out, so out he goes. Dh immediately said, "He's NOT moving back in here!" So, dh does know how to do the tough love thing which is one of the first things I fell in love with when we met...his ability to stand strong against what's wrong...and with his sons there has been much...over 20 years worth. I think with the youngest, it's been the hardest on him because he's tired and just didn't want to face it a 3rd time. But, SS21 has been on and off drugs for over 3 years and dh knows there is nothing more he can do. When he told me, I simply started praying for his son's safety. At this point, that's all we can do.

K.C. - Keep coming back. You have my support and everyone else's here. I cannot believe what so many of us have gone through. As you said...it is emotionally draining and, believe me, there have been more days than I can count that I have wanted to walk out, but my commitment to my marriage and dh himself keeps me here. He didn't ASK to have 3 drug addicted sons...dh and his ex never should have procreated. Dh even says that...that people should be very careful who they procreate with. He has addictions of his own he has conquered (before I met him) and his ex is mentally ill with addictions, but I hear is doing better as well. But, now we have to see what their DNA created. Not good.

I hope your SS24 stays FAR AWAY from you and your dh. SS21 also crashed his car his father gave him in high school into a tree when he was high on weed. He had a friend with him and luckily neither were hurt, but dh did not go out and buy his son another car. Dh knew his son wouldn't stay clean. He still says, there is more to come with SS21, but at least he's not ever living HERE again. He's going back down that road again after being clean for 6 months. Once he got a job and around other young people, he apparently couldn't say no. Like I said...at your point with YOUR SS24 and MY SS21...all we can do is pray. They are in God's hands now.