That's the problem...we have joint checking. I tried my hardest when we got married 4 years ago to have separate accounts and dh said we wouldn't be married if we did. I've mentioned it even since then because I know that would solve the problem and he absolutely refuses. He makes 4 times what I do, so thought it would be ok, but I've had to fight him for every dime I've given to my daughter. UNFAIR. I've TOLD him that if we had separate accounts that then he could help his son however he wanted and I wouldn't know and same for me. He admitted once that the reason he wanted a joint account was because he was afraid I'd use all MY money to help MY kids!

Like I said, I WOULD support him in what he does to help his son IF he did the same for me, but he doesn't. I told him HE'S lucky...MY DD23 will be on her feet son. When can he say that about HIS kid?

Thank you all for your comments. Ok...I hear you all.

I think what you said furkidsforme made a lot of sense. For our own reasons, we want to help our kids, but BOTH of us don't like the WAY we help the other's kids. Yes...I AM proud of my DD23. She has done EVERYTHING right and SS22 has not...choosing to do drugs instead of bettering his life, but I do hear you. I know he's ill, but want more for him than it appears he wants for himself...and it continues to be our money going out the door because he doesn't do anything to better his situation. THAT'S the frustrating part. I told dh as long as he continues to "help" him, what's his incentive to ever better himself and stand on his own??

My DD23 is going to live in Maui with my DD31 at the end of next month and immediately dh says, "Well, WE'RE not funding her to go play in Maui." She is NOT going to "play". DD31 already told her she will be able to get a job at the hotel she works for, so she WILL be working. However, I told dh I'm glad he's not her other parent because her father is on board with this as well and is probably paying her airfare! We see it as a great opportunity for her to experience life outside the Midwest and it will be good for her. Dh totally disagrees and says we absolutely we will not help. UGH If I was single, you bet I would! I think it would do HIS son a world of good to move somewhere else and experience more of life than just here.

I know if I separated accounts that that would be the end of our marriage. Yes...dh IS controlling when it comes to money. But, had he never said a word about me helping MINE, I would never have said a word about HIS. Even my counselor said he needed to keep his mouth shut in that regard, but he just can't seem to do it. So, I retaliate.

As for a budget...there really is no point now because my DD23 is pretty much on her own, so won't really need my help and dh is frugal, so has never gone overboard in helping his son. Yes...I admit..recently, when it cost us $500 to get his son into another apartment, I gave MY DD23 the same amount to tide her over til she got paid. Needless to say, dh wasn't happy and more than let me know it, so, of course I brought up how much he gave HIS son! All he said was, "I knew that was coming." Yea.

Yup...I was an idiot 4 years ago to have EVER agreed to a joint account, but this is how dh reeled me in (knowing he makes 4 times what I do)..."You won't have to worry about money once we get married since I make enough."

And, yes...there certainly IS the jealousy thing going on. Dh has actually said to me in the past, "Don't you think I WISH my kids were like yours?!" Well, they're not, but enabling doesn't help them. I still say if he continues to help his son, then his son will never have a reason to better himself. Luckily, I have my own retirement, so if he wants to continue to give his son money...that's out of HIS retirement, NOT mine.

I said after my divorce, I'd never get married again. I should have stuck to that...or at least found a companion with kids like mine...NORMAL.

That is exactly what I do, grace8205...when he complains about the money I've given to my daughter. I just bring up all the money he's given to HIS. And, one time I added..."And I know when I give money to MY child, it won't be going to DRUGS." That shuts him up. This time, I told him HE was the lucky one since MY child is now on her own. When will I get that...HIS son off our payroll?? His reply, "Maybe never." grrrrr

I'm all for helping young adults who are trying to better themselves. Until I see SS22 do that, I won't be on board with helping him. I may start keeping my opinions to myself, but I will NEVER agree with it until I see him either join the military or take a trade program somewhere and complete it. What really gets me is dh isn't pushing his son to do anything more than what he's doing! That's what bothers me the most. He keeps saying his son won't succeed unless HE decides to do it. WHATEV! At 22, time is passing and nothing is changing. Why? Because daddy keeps just bailing him out. UGH

Like catmom4's boyfriend says about his kids...dh says the same. Oh, but poor SS22...he's "mentally ill". Ok...the kid does suffer from depression and low-self esteem, but, seriously?? Does this mean parents are NEVER off the hook? How about getting them to a counselor. I know SS22 is on depression medication, but is he seeing a therapist? I've asked dh this, but he says his son is an adult and it's not up to him to make sure he's going. Well...I'm sorry, but as long as SS22 is needing "help" financially, I'd MAKE IT MY BUSINESS to make sure he's getting the help he needs. I think dh buries his head in the sand and just throws money at the problem instead of doing the work to help his son get better. But, that's my opinion which obviously is worth nothing.

I think there IS some major co-dependency going on between dh and his son. SS22 is his "baby" (his other 2 are 32 and 33)and he raised him alone since he was 4. I do sometimes wonder if dh is ok with having his son still be dependent on him. With his DS33 (who is a full-blown addict on disability for mental illness), he sent him to a teen boot camp at 15, made him join the army at 18 (got kicked out a year later for drug use), and finally had him committed at age 23. A doctor told dh when his son was 15 that he had never seen an addiction like it...he simply did not have the capability to say no to drugs/alcohol. So, dh feels by doing what he's doing with THIS son (letting HIM make the decisions) that it might work. Guess only time will tell...

So...just checked our bank account only to find that dh not only bought SS22's groceries on Saturday, but paid his June rent as well! $390.00! UGH And, I was feeling guilty?? Done. I'm going on my girls' weekend with my daughters this weekend and not gonna feel one bit of guilt although dh has been trying to MAKE me feel guilty saying it's "all about me". Whatev. These days I feel like it's all about his kid.

Again...it goes back to the double standard - his kid being "ill", so low expectations and my kid being "normal", so higher expectations. Totally over it. The only thing he has said to me this week is he's done talking about it because I'm going to do what I'm going to do anyway. Well...I could say the same to him, so maybe we've just come to a point of acceptance. And, yes...it does hurt us financially, but neither one of us will listen to the other because we simply disagree. I hope he will keep his opinions to himself now, but I honestly feel he's unable. He's MR. OPINIONATED.

And, no...he'd never agree to counseling. And, yes...no doubt there's a jealousy issue.

As for wallowing in his own misery...yes...there's some of that as well. He's grumpy by nature and yes...it's getting old. What he and I need is some time away for fun. I was thinking of July 4th weekend, but, of course his DS32 may be coming home as he has a DS7 here. ugh

And, actually, I have gotten better about money going out the door to SS22 as it DOES keep him out of our home. During the 2 years he lived with us, it was awful and I almost moved out. Dh realized he needed to keep his son out of our house in order for our marriage to survive and he has. He did say once if it wasn't for me, he'd probably let SS22 live with him, so he could help him better. So, good...at least dh finally put our marriage first, but it's still costing us financially.

I HAVE no problem helping young adult children who are helping better themselves, but, in my opinion, SS22 is not doing that. If he would take a trade program or something, I'd have no problem with it, but working a low-paying job and not being able to afford to support himself (because he's buying cigarettes and drugs), does NOT sit well with me. Why help someone who doesn't want to help themselves??