good for the goose is good for the gander
I am mad and I need tot vent. I have just shut down. I am not willing to give up my marriage (yet), so those of you are that are quick to say leave him, that’s not the advice I need at this point.
In April DH and I went to counseling for the first time. The counselor we went to does 4 hour sessions. So you can get a lot out in one session, and sometimes you may not need anymore.
She said it seems like everything in our relationship is very good except how DH handles his 21 yo son, and that’s what was the topic of the session.
My DH is a guilt ridden Disney dad who had sole custody of his son since he was 9 years old. BM did not pay child support for most of that time and has little involvement.
DH does not discipline his kid, hence kid getting kicked out after I told DH I will no longer be treated like shit in my own house and he and skid can move out and live else where. That was after 3 years of putting up with BS.
DH gives to his kid to the point of going in debt, and I have helped him with that and has been getting better, however over the summer it resorted back to lies, secrets and giving money hand over fist. The same thing we went to counseling about.
The counselor assured him he was doing his son a dis-service with this non-parenting. Was not raising him to be a good husband, just setting his son up for divorce more then he is already. DH agreed and seemed to be good for 3 weeks. After that it is spiraled into a nightmare.
Over this week I have found him sneaking funds ($250) to skid, he asked for a loan. Skid is supposed to pay his insurance on the 15th every month. Yesterday I asked DH did you remind skid to pay his insurance to us that is due on the 15th , he said yes, I asked is he paying the money he borrowed as well. Dh answered no, I told him not to worry about it and I asked why? He said “because I felt like it!” From there he shut down. I was pissed. I don’t even want to be near him or talk to him since.
During the time that skid asked to borrow money because he was broke he bought a new $1,100.00 guitar and had $1,200.00 worth of tattoos done.
I guess my asshole DH just set a new standard. I can do whatever the f@ck I like as long as is falls under the reason of “I felt like it”. Hopes he likes them apples.
If I recall this has been
If I recall this has been going on for a very long time. Didn't SS get the insurance moved to his own account but missed a payment so DH moved it back to your joint account?
If you are going to stay with DH I'd separate finances.
Figure out how much you each have to contribute to the household, retirement and any other things you can think of, like a vacation account.
Make sure DH understands that he first has to pay into that account and that because of his lies he can not have any access to that account.
Whatever is left he can give to SS.
I would also look into a post nup that says any loans or consigning he does are his and his alone.
I agree with the above. If
I agree with the above. If your not happy to leave this all behind then you need to take the measures to protect yourself. So separate accounts is the first thing. Decide an amount which your husband had to pay to the house for each month and have him set up a direct debit to deduct that at source. If you want money for future savings or long term care insurance so your husband won't be a burden to you when he retires with no money I would suggest you add that to the mix. After each payment comes to your account give him an invoice in one of those books you can give a copy and keep a copy. Keep a copy of every invoice and every bill. Ensure your name does not go into any loan
Once this is done and your fianences are secure, let him do what ever he wants with the money that's left. But this man will not protect your financial health or help you save for retirement so you must take steps to protect yourself
I agree with everyone above.
I agree with everyone above. Separate your finances. Kick in to a household account that is to be used for basic living expenses only.
Ideally, this should mean that you each then have control over discretionary spending of the rest of the money. So if your DH wants to blow his on his son, go for it.
The problems start arising when you want to do things as a couple and your DH may not have the money. Let's say it's a vacation. You have saved and have the money to go, your DH does not.
Separating finances is a good way to protect yourself financially to a certain extent - you may still be on the hook for debt your DH racks up. You will still have plenty of other controversy over money, though.
^^^This!!^^^ Heavenlike is
^^^This!!^^^ Heavenlike is right. There is no easy answer. It may seem like it is easier to do nothing and let things slide - or worsen. Your DH doesn't seem to be taking you too seriously right now. You don't have to threaten to divorce from your DH but he needs to know that if things don't change it is a possibility.
Separating finances is one way to protect yourself as long as you are comfortable knowing he will have very little to retire on. Think of what you want to do when you retire. Do you want to travel? Do you want to live in a nice house? Do you want to supplement DH's limited income?
Earlier in our marriage my DH showered SD with money, paying for vacations, etc., making a deposit in her checking account for years - even though she was making a lot more money than he was. Today we live in a small house and live frugally. If an emergency came up he may not have enough funds to pay for it. I have my own 'nest egg' but I refuse to finance DH as I saw him throw funds to SD that could have been used for us later in life. Something to think about.
Grace heavenlike is
Grace heavenlike is absolutely correct. Unless something really motivates your dh to change things will remain the same. The only way change can come is if you change how you interact with your dh or you take a stance. Either way, the relationship will not remain the same. Your dh wants things to remain the same, that is why he only went to such few sessions. It just went to appease and to maintain the same scenario.
My ex is wealthy. He gave his ds $250,000 to put into a retirement account so that, according, to my ex he could feel secure. He paid for his ds's rent, and some other bills such as cable, gym even though his ds was employed and single. Yet, all our furniture except for the dining room table were from the thrift store, even our dining room chairs were from the thrift store. I wanted a new bed and he went on craigs list and bought a used one. He spray painted his crocs to make them look better. Bought the old meat that had been discounted. His ds wanted to go on vacation, guess who paid for it. It is an enmeshment that that is unhealthy.
Even though he did this for his ds. His ds blew all the money in a couple of years due to his alcoholism. Now my ex has reverted to doing what he had been doing all along. He gave his ds a credit card, put money in a checking account for him, is giving him his SUV, took him on vacation and paid for another vacation for him. While ex still buys old food and lives with thrift store purchases.
Your dh actions are very similar to my ex's. All that money that he is shelling out to his ds could be used to secure your retirement, pay for a nice vacation for the both of you, or even live debt free. It is a terrible sickness and enmeshment. It is like dh's are invested in keeping their dc as children, instead of teaching them how to behave like responsible adults.
In a way your dh has prioritized his ds needs over yours. Will your dh put your needs over his when push comes to shove.
The dysfunction runs very
The dysfunction runs very deep with these guilty bioparents and their offspring.
I agree. These guilty bio's
I agree. These guilty bio's exhibit the exact same behavior...gaslighting - telling us that WE are wrong, WE are the ones with the issues, the lying, the sneaking around...the stuff that comes out of their mouths are the same sometimes word for word. The basic inability for them to parent and hold their offspring responsible. The excuses..."she's only 10...she's only 16...she's only 18...she's only 21..." "She comes from a BROKEN HOME", etc.
And way too late, they may finally "get it". Usually when the financial aspect hits them the hardest and they realize the only reason their kid wants anything to do with them is for $$ and when the $$ train stops there is anger and punishment.
It appears your husband has
It appears your husband has no desire to change this situation. I would recommend separating all finances and having an iron-clad will.
I can't decide which is
I can't decide which is worse:
An enmeshed, PASing CP BM who BFFs her kids
or
A biodad who blew through a lifetime of savings on legal fees to become CP, only to guilt parent and disney dad in hopes that child(ren) won't go running back to the BM
Thinkthrice, I HEAR you loud
Thinkthrice, I HEAR you loud and clear today. This is all so crazy and I dont know which is worse either.
OP what do you want the outcome to be?
In 3months from now, if you had to come back here and tell us how everything worked out great, WHAT would have changed?
IS your goal/hope at all possible OR must you learn to accept that DH has always been this way and it is nothing new.
simply separate your
simply separate your finance...... DH needs to pay 50% of utilities and groceries etc (normal house hold expenses)
then ensure DH puts away money for retirement.... the rest of DH's income he can do as he pleases with.
If DH moved in with you... he needs to pay rent as well ... you take that money before SS gets anything.
You keep your money separate and if you want to go on holiday... you go... if DH can't afford to go on holiday with you, guess he stays at home.
Then never talk about DH giving SS money again, just keep quiet... when DH starts complaining he doe snot have money for XYZ, smile and say... ask SS hon, he owes you and ignore, never offer to help DH out again.
I started doing this and Aergia is still in school.... but seeing SO wants to spoil her rotten he needs to find away to do so, after 3 years he only started telling her NO we can't afford it, and that was only recently lol...
so it's a long road ahead, but it's manageble
Take all of the money, close
Take all of the money, close the joint accounts, cancel the credit cards. Rekey the locks, put a PIN code lock on the door and cancel DH's PIN every time he fails to contribute his appropriate share to household expenses.
See how DH enjoys accountability for his duplicity. If he will not hold SS accountable, then DH should be held accountable.
As some point YOU are going to have to drive something definitive or nothing will change in this situation.
Good luck.