Having clicked on the link and thinking it made a certain kind of sense, as well as makig me laugh, I can offer that maybe in this situation you get a male friend to sit next to you. In fact, just get a male friend who will fulfill all the things your DH doesn't- as in a neutral advocate who is a man!  I'm sure even if this guy is just a figment of your imagination DH will never leave your side!

"An imitation of mashed potatoes."  That about sums it up.  

I would be incredibly angry, OP.  Clearly this was important to you and your DH claimed that he believed you were in the right.  To not only refuse to sit with you and show public support but also engage in friendly conversation with your opponent, which would obviously give him the impression that your own spouse did not take the issue seriously, majorly undercut you.  You said that you told your DH you had a solution.  What was it, if you don't mind me asking?

Sandy I would feel the same way you did. Betrayed. It is not the first time but is a pattern. I don’t have an answer for you.just support in knowing how that makes you feel. Abandoned. We would stick up for our DH’s in the same situation so, we expect the same support from them. It really does seem like it should be a given.  I agree that it is part of a marriage to have each other’s back. Hugs to you!!!

I'm so sorry, Sandye. Sorry for what that a$$ of an organization president put you through, and for your H's cowardly behavior when you needed his support.

He is very good about giving me critical advice on how I should do this or that, or how I do this or that wrong.  BUT ... heaven forbid I ever criticize him about anything - his demeanor changes literally in the wink of an eye.  It can be the simplest of things, and even sometimes when I am just joking a bit and he doesn't realize it, it is amazing how he immediately gets a pouty look on his face if he thinks I am criticizing him!

His expecation is that I will never criticize him.  That is for him to do to me and everyone else on the planet.  He has a classic case of "dishing it out but not being able to take it."  I think this ties in to him not being able to stick up for anyone else - including his own children.  His ex alienated his kids and he never stepped up to her and intervened. 

This is the point that bugs me the most.  He wouldn't challenge or criticize her about anything, including what she was doing to his most precious children, but boy oh boy, he sure can slop it on me and everyone else!  

Somewhere along the line he thought that I was his whipping post until I finally called him out on it and told him to knock it off.  He never would admit that he was doing it but I think it scared him enough that he went and got some help.  I would have left him if he hadn't.  

He knows that I am a fighter by nature and he KNOWS that I will have his back.  The opposite it not true, though.  I went through some serious hell at work from a couple of a$$hole men, to include one of them screaming at me and sticking his finger in my face repeatedly, and then shoulder-butting me, and when I mentioned all this you know what my "knight in shining armour" said?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  He would get a sour look on his face like he had just taken a bite of a lemon, and made it a point to walk out of the room without saying anything to me.  

If the situation were reversed and this had happened to HIM, you better believe I would have done something ... maybe even called the corporate office of that employer and demanded some answers.  I might have even encouraged him to file assault charges.  But whatever happened, I would have made it clear that I HAD HIS BACK.

The years of observing this has fundamentally changed some of my feelings towards him.  Including respect and intimacy (not just physical).  If I don't know that someone will support me when I need them, then I really don't feel connected.  

It's been a few years since all this happened.  But I don't think I'll ever feel the same about him. 

(((hugs))) Sandye- there are some compromises you can make and some you can't. My first husband let me down like this too, I won't reveal how as I still find it very shocking what he did. With TheX I never put him in a position where I needed him in that way,  (although I know no one plans for these occasions and you certainly need someone to stick up for you) but he certainly wasn't on my side when it came to the skids. It isn't an attractive trait in a man, and I think I would lose all respect in a situation like yours.

I used to be involved in a community group and had lots of male friends (most of whom were happily married) and I still miss that bunch of people although I never revealed much about my private life and they didn't ask- none of them came on to me (maybe I'm just too old lol!) and TheX never seemed to mind, but then he never spoke much to me about anything!

You do have to be careful though- there are pitfalls and I sort of meant it tongue in cheek- however, it could work if and when it happens again.

Please keep us updated.

Sandye21, I feel bad for you. Just when we think our DH may have our back and support us, they do something so lame. I'm wondering what your DH and that guy outside where talking about. Did you find out? Do you think your DH was trying to smooth things over or tell this guy off in a nice way? 

Flashbacks from adult skid trauma and ball-less DH's is not fun. I get those every once in a while. 

That is a great idea to say.."are you giving him a piece of mind like you said you would....."  If my DH decides to be nice when someone is giving him a hard time about not revolving his life around the skids/gskids or if he's sickenning nice to skids while they are making rude comments and gestures, I'm going to use this...thank you for sharing that idea.

i don't like the fact your DH didn't sit with you when you asked him. I'd make it clear to my DH that either we are on the same team or not. If not, well DH there's the door. I know my DH always wants to be the good guy and never create waves. He has defended me, but many times it's been on the phone and by email. Not sure what they are afraid of when it comes to sticking up and supporting someone in-person, who knows? 

Sit in the back during your DH's presentation and be totally unsupportive. 

Hang in there and don't back down. Your DH needs to put his money where his mouth is. Actions speak louder than words. He should have your back. Sometimes I cringe to think when my DH uses me for an excuse when adult skids want him to do something. He says he doesn't do this anymore; but I don't believe him because he used me as his excuse in the past so many times before. He comes out looking like the good guy and me the mean SM. I don't care what others think, but Some of these DH's need to stop hiding behind their wives and tell it like it is - like they tell us they will.. 

do things fun for yourself, go to the gym and find a nice male friend. I have some male friends and DH is always on guard when we are around them. It's kinda funny.

Good luck going forward.

My DH is pretty much a coward in all situations.  So, I deal with anything negative away from him -all alone. I cannot count on him for this kind of support-ever; his brats or even other things most marriages endure. I am better off dealing with it by myself, even if he is there, he would be of zero assistance.  I have little conflict to deal with, but it would be nice to know when I needed a protective support, he would be there... better off counting on myself, never disappointed that way.  But, his day needing me will come too....

Sandye21, I am also sorry you are again going thru this.

I also have absolute no support.  Like CANYOUHELP, I attempt to go it alone.  It is extremely frustrating to live like this.  It should not be allowed to be able to treat your spouse this way, with no respect.  The problem with my DH,  he doesn't even realize it.   Like the site noted, men do not think like, nor do they feel the disappointment. 

If you or I give back the same non support, it would go over their heads.  I am not saying all men, just our prizes.

Also when this happens I do have flashbacks of the Skid drama and all the madness wants to return; then I am fighting for peace, so I don't lose it.  DH is a narcissist and he sees no fault in himself.  It's a waste of energy to battle him.  He has had Karma visit often, my guess is it is a long road for him.  

I don't know an answer.  I always feel I am wasting my time doing my best.   

I follow you Sandye21, thus I totally get it..  ((((Hugs)))))

So sorry you're going through this sandye

Does your DH have any explanation as to why he refused to support you?

 I would be furious!

My thoughts are with you Sandy. You have worked very hard to make it work. It is not easy. I hope that it will work out and DH will see he needs to stand up for you. He would be losing a good woman. There is never a worse feeling than being acused of something that you know you didn’t do. Not having the support of the one who should be you main support makes it 100 times worse. A person gets very tired of having to defend themself against false accusations. It is exhausting physically and emotionally. I know exactly how you feel. Hurt, angry, betrayed all wrapped up in one.  Hugs to you!

I guess my only questions would be around the issue of how good is he advocating for "himself".  Is he similarly acting like a shrinking daisy when it comes to his own situations?  If he is, then I'm not sure how you would expect him to be your rock in uncomfortable confrontational situations when he can't do it on his own behalf.  It's like expecting something he may just not be capable of.

Now, that doesn't mean that's always a bad thing.. there is a good side to the coin of someone who isn't confrontational... you usually stand a better chance of getting your way..lol.

But, if he has no problem standing up for himself in public.. and it's only RE you.. then I think he needs to go to counseling with you and get to the point where he can give you the honest reason for his lack of support.  Maybe he doubts your side?  Maybe he is afraid others doubt you and is embarassed by that?  Maybe ... I don't know.. maybe he wasn't thinking at all?

I don't blame you for being upset.. because you thought you had support.. it would have been better if he could have just been honest and told you he couldn't be there.. vs what he did when he WAS there.

I would ridicule his pathetic candy a$$ actions publicly.