Stigma of being a SM
This morning I was speaking wiht my neighbor. He said he drove a very long way to attend DS's wedding. His wife was excluded who has had a very limited exposure to the SKIDS. He tried to discuss the issue with DS, but could not convince DS that his wife had as much of a right to be at the wedding as BM's hu, asband, who HAD been invited. He left ealry, before the actual wedding and drove all the way home - over 20 hours sraight. It was easy to see that he was hurt and angry.
I told him I admired him for supporting his wife and to remain steadfast in his belief that his wife deserved better treatment. I guess he thought if he personally confronted DS with the issue he might sway him to accept SM. No chance of that.
I'm sure my neighbor's wife is upset about her exclusion from the wedding, but she can sleep a little better knowing her husband has her back.
This brings up memories of my exDH and how he never supported me emotionally, physically or in any other way, and SD who hated me for absolutely no logical reason. How he went to SD's wedding without me and even contemplated moving to be near to her until he found he would not be able to afford to live as he had become accustomed. His comfort and unearned financial security was his main motivator after all.
Recently another poster brought up the fact that SMs are socially unacceptable. Are they compared to the villian in a fairytale or is this a demonstration that women still have a way to go before they can be treated with fairness, and be judged for thier character? Sorry. Will get off my soapbox.
Sorry about the typos.
Sorry about the typos
I can't believe your neighbor
I can't believe your neighbor went all that way without clarifying his wife's invitation.. or lack thereof!
I also wonder if perhaps there was more to the backstory.. like did this neighbor originally cheat on his wife.. so he is more "reviled" than their mother? or even more potentially an issue.. did he have an affair with his CURRENT wife? and his kids are protecting their mother from having to socialize with "the woman who broke up the family"
Barring that kind of circumstance.. certainly, if one parent has a new spouse invited.. the other should equally be allowed to include their new spouse. again.. barring exceptional circumstances.. and I guess a prior rift with that person could qualify (if wife and skids have had a drama or falling out).. ultimately it is the host's option to set the guest list.. but the neighbor was just as in his rights to decline to participate without the full invite.
Shoulda
Back story: I should have added that my neighbor was single when he met current wife, but I have no idea if there was a 'rift' between her and my neighbor's son. So I don't know all of the circumstances. I met exDH well after he was divorced, but exSD didn't really care for me from the day I married her father. I didn't attend exSD's wedding because we had a falling out when I knew an answer to a Jeopardy question and she slammed a door in my face.
Sometimes there is no back story to support the treatment that SMs often get for just existing.
Yep. It's misplaced anger,
Yep. It's misplaced anger, hurt, sadness they have. I've come to realize it is more the SKIDs loss then the SM. SM grieves the fact that they know it would be better to get along but there is a point of no return. Truly. And when that threshold is reached it's done.
I meet other Sparents
And ask many of the questions that we all discuss on this board.
Occasionally I can talk about this stuff with (close) bio friends.
But that is very sad, that your neighbors wife had to deal with that, unless as a commentor just mentioned, the wife is a reason for the original "first family" divorce.
Sounds like a cluster Eff of a situation, but glad your neighbor has his wifes back on things. Might be too little too late.
Oh yes we are always villianized.
Neighbor's wife
I wish the neighbor's wife and I knew each other better so I could ask her opinion without looking like a busy-body. She DID empathize with him, said he was upset and tired.
I think the villainy aspect
I think the villainy aspect comes from “but they are children, and you are a woman, so naturally you should just love them and want to swoop in and nurture them!” Men perpetuate this bullsh@t concept by assuming we want to take on the role of “mother” to their dear darlings and take the heavy lifting off their shoulders…much as BM probably did while they were married.
Expectations
Oh yes, I remember exDH's expectations of me to be a 'mother' to exSD, and her total rejection of the idea. Impossible, and ridiculous. Then we get the blame for making their little darlings 'uncomfortable' when we ask them to please not throw clean blankets on the floor.
Yeah. It's both - being a
Yeah. It's both - being a stepmother and being a woman. We're just expected to do everything, recieve nothing back except poor treatment. I have only met SMs with an extremely low bar for respect - it takes the kids being HORRIFIC to finally turn 99.9% of SM to disengagement. FULL expectation of responsiblity + no authority + treated like an indentured servant = standards SMs are suppose to accept. Crazy stuff...truly.
Totally agree
Totally agree
Wedding Invitation
Been down that same road as a SM and to be perfectly honest, I wish I didn't go at all to the wedding. Did you know that it is the Father of the Grooms responsibility to pay for said wedding. 4 sets of parents to help, but the Grooms father was the only one who contributed. We were harressed for payment on the wedding day or somethings wouldn't be delivered. We gave another 10%, but have been the bad guys since. All I did was confront the other parents that they let the kids down by not paying their agreed upon amount. I always thought it was the Father of the Bride responsible for most of the wedding expenses, not the Father of the Groom. They are today estranged for 10 + years and back stabs his father when he was the only one contributing to their future. If you don't have kids today, don't marry someone who does. It won't be worth the abuse of being the supporting role.
Money
Ya, I didn't think that there could be some sort of problem concerning money. I agree - don't marry anyone with kids unless they live a long, long way from you. I heard of it so many times that a lot of men take their fiance to meet the children for approval. Like it should matter.
I think it's ongoing
I think it's ongoing stereotyping of what a woman is and assigning that role to all stepmothers. We all take on The Mother role, but without the reciprocal love or authority or recognition or appreciation. ALL women must love to take care of badly behaved children and nurture them to be Nobel prize winners and expect nary a thank you. It's ridiculous.
My DH professes to be a complete feminist, but hoo boy, I make him look in the mirror now and then and it's not pretty. Like the time a band-mate couldn't find a baby sitter and could he bring the child along to the practice at our house? SURE, my wife will be glad to babysit, says DH. DH truly thought I would enjoy baking cookies with this child I'd never met. It was so stupid. I noped right out of there for a sudden errand across town. The child ended up breaking some of DH's stuff. Karma came around quickly that time.
And that's just a random child that landed in our orbit. Nothing wrong with the kid, but a big something wrong with grown men who think that any woman would adore babysitting a stranger at the last minute so they could have their fun.
And since step kids are the children of our SOs, the assumption is that we must automatically love them. It just doesn't work that way.
It's still a man's world.
It's not just the assumption that we must automatically adore SKIDS, they must adore us too. And I've never heard of a situation where a child visited Daddy, then went home to Mommy and told her they immediately loved SM.
It's just such a double
It's just such a double standard. My SO was expected to remain single and sit home alone waiting for his children to need something from him. Usually drug money or a car. His exwife moved her boyfriend in 2 weeks after she left, and married very shortly after. That was fine. Side note...her husband is a disgusting neanderthal.
The kids have loser girlfriends/boyfriends. His 32+ y.o. son knocked up an uneducated, unemployed 19 y.o. after knowing her a month. SO's family adores her. His daughter is dating a federal felon who robbed 5 banks. The family is absolutely crazy about him. BM and SO's sister and mother say how great he is all over Facebook. I think BM is totally in love with him.
Me...they hate. They would hate anyone he was with. He's only allowed to be with one woman, his miniwife daughter.
The day may come when my SO's children decide to marry. I won't be invited to the wedding. My SO will say it's all my fault...because they know I don't like them. Yeah, I don't and can think of 1,000 other things I'd rather do than go to their wedding which would be nothing but every imaginable slight against me they could think of. He would never call them out on bad behavior. He would be at the wedding pretending I don't exist.
I give your neighbor a lot of credit.
Double-standard ... and some hard-wiring.
The fundamental problem that SM's face is simply this: For the vast majority of mammals, offspring have a unique bond with their mothers. It's nature's way.
And any female who tries to enter that picture is typically snapped at and rejected. Sure there are some situations where "it takes a village" happens but in those cases it's truly for survival of the offspring/species and then you will see females cooperate. Even then, it's usually within their own biologically-connected group. Not with females from another group. Even with their own kin, mothers have no problem snapping at their own female relatives if they cross the line with their offspring.
Now add a bunch of human dysfunction and mental manipulation to the equation and you have a situation where SMs (in particular) are never going to gain acceptance.
Is it any wonder SMs are to be forever denigrated, stigmatized and vilified? SMs have had a bad rap for millenia and that isn't going to change, I'm sorry to say.
100% agree ...
... that females are territorial and possessive about their offspring.
The behavior of said offspring is a whole 'nother ball of wax. Possibly they are channeling their BM's natural/inborn hostility to outside females, but they've got ample supplies of their own as well. I chalk that up to socialization.
Which is to say, they need their butts kicked.
"My SO will say it's all my
"My SO will say it's all my fault...because they know I don't like them." Sort of like, "SD says you make her feel uncomfortable in your home." I guess I've changed a lot. 30 years ago I would have bent over backwards so worshipped exSD would feel comfortable in my house, spending money on her, cleaning up after her, trying to ignore her insults. Today I would say, "Tell her to get over it!"
Double Standards For Sure
BMs new hubby can attend but not dad's wife. I know there are a few reasons this behavior could have been okay (as Esmod said a possible affair???) but barring that, it's almost a "what the hell" moment. One thing is sure...he made a hell of a statement by leaving BEFORE the wedding. Wow. I'm impressed.
I'm so done with the "stepmom" crap, I don't even refer to myself as that anymore. You will see most of my comments or posts say DH's kids. And this will never change. If DHs kids and I ever get back into some sort of relation, they will still always be HIS kids and I'm an acquaintance. I've had enough of the "we're having a party/graduation/picnic, etc, dad. Please come" with no mention of me multiple times. Thankfully, DH stayed home with me and they lost out. For what it's worth, I skipped DHs oldest son's wedding. His youngest plans to propose soon and I'll skip that wedding, too. I've read too many horror stories here about SMs attending SKs weddings and the BS they had to deal with. Nah. DH can go alone, play happy family and I'll stay home with my dogs and my sewing machine.
"Stepmom"
Now, that's an interesting concept! Another 'label' besides 'Stepmom'. Perhaps inserting 'Mom' in the label causes unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. Any suggestions? Ya, 'Stepdaughter' should produce the same sentiments, right? I mean, if she a 'daughter' you wouldn't put up with 1/2 of the crap you are expected to.
What is unacceptable is ill behaved failed family crotch refuse.
SM's are not unacceptable. SM's are the mate of a parent. That is not unacceptable. SP's regardless of flavor, are the mate of a parent, which is not unnacceptable.
Wat amhazes me is the frequency of SPs who tolerate this crap both from their mate and from the mate's ill behaved failed family crotch refuse. More amazing are the number of BioParents that facilitate, tolerate, and even develop this shit behavior in their failed family progeny.
No SP should tolerate this crap from mate or the mate's shit failed family children.
If the mate did not get this crap under control, they all should rue the day the SP had to get it addressed.
I think there are MANY
I think there are MANY factors in acceptance of step-parents, whether mother or father. I have issues with my SD yet I think she'd like to have a good relationship with me (I think she's immature in a number of ways including the brief SM#1 and struggling with some traumas) and while most of my kids accept, like, and even love my husband I believe some of them struggle with the dynamics of my (alcoholic) family of origin that is throwing a MESS in their path of fully accepting him.
Interestingly, SD speaks to her friends of 'my parents' as if I am her mother--although she certainly must be aware that I am often irritated with her. I don't really know what to make of it. I believe on some level she likes me and wants to have a good relationship with me, yet she is also incredibly immature and I believe some of her issues come from the death of her mother and the first (very short-lived) SM who was very cruel to her.
I don't believe there's an inherent stigma to being a stepmother but given the behavior of her first 'stepmother' I can see why those stories arose, sadly.