SS9 has little wife syndrome!
I know this sounds weird, but I honestly think that my SS9 is trying to usurp my position as his fathers partner.
All of the things I read on here about SD's having little wife syndrome completely reminds me of my SS9. If his father and I are sitting on the couch beside each other, he will crawl into his fathers lap and put his arms around his neck. Seriously the 4 year old doesn't even do that. He still cannot finish a meal without asking for multiple hugs from his father. He will physically take my hand out of his fathers so he can hold his hand. Even if DH tells him not to sit on his lap, he will sit very close beside him and drape a leg over him. I find this totally creepy, and innapropriate for a boy his age. He is almost 10. I have never seen a boy act like that before, he even acts this way in public, or if there are other children his age around. He would not leave his fathers lap the entire time we were at my family's Christmas celebration. All the other kids were running around playing together, and he just sat on daddy's knee the whole time, didn't speak when spoken too and didn't touch a spec of the food that was served. It was so embarassing, I'm sure my family all thinks he has mental issues. Does anyone else have a SS like this? How do you deal with it?
I'm reading about a kid who
I'm reading about a kid who has serious abandonment issues. It's not directed at you so much as its anything or anyone that may get between him and his father. Most adults don't have a handle on how traumatic a divorce can be for some children.
The boys needs to be taken to counseling with someone who can help him express his fears and overcome them.
Help!
Hey I am a SM and my SS9 definitely had the horrible end of a traumatic family breakup. His BM has taken him to counseling but more so to get him to be less disruptive for her. It was for a short time and inconsistent. I've tried explaining as gentle to BM and my SO that certain behaviours (exactly like the ones on this post + sneaking around and listening in to everyone's conversations, standing over me and BM's ex, his brother, the list is endless), and it isn't received well as I know BM and my SO are gentle, not confronting types that both feel immense guilt and sometimes it just seems too impossible to fix. I really want to try to help my SS and my SO as I can see that this will only get worse and you are right he even blocks his little bro from getting any dad time. It's not just about me, the kid is seriously hurting.
The sneaking and listening in has caused a great deal of issues and not just for me but his BM, his grandparents etc. he listens and asks loaded questions or repeats hurtful things at the perfect moment. His disruptive at school, desperately wanting to be with the bad kids, his a bigger boy and can be quite intimidating and nasty if not watched with other kids. His ridiculously smart and can belittle an adult while easily fixing a TV programming issue and has taken to calling BM stupid and I try to have her back but she gives in so his found a way to keep BM from trying to adjust behaviour. Both parents see it one minute but ignore it the next. As much as he drives my very inexperienced self to breaking I just don't want to see this kid have a crap future, I really worry what coping skills his learning and he is either at school or just wants to be on his xbox and is both extreme introverted but also extroverted- it's as predictable as the weather.
Sorry for the book but you seem to understand the driving cause for the behaviour. Can you suggest any education I can read/watch/listen to that maybe I can also show SO in the hope it gets SS some support at least from our end?
His a soft hearted boy underneath it all who when you catch him not triggered is such a great kid, thoughtful and very smart. Its torture to have to just sit in the passenger seat watching this unfold and seeing SS become more and more inconsistent as he struggles underneath it all.
And yes, he makes my life hell but his 9 and is devastated and doesn't understand why it all fell apart and I seem like the monster who when his dad came back came along too so I get it, when his belittling me it's damn near impossible to foster compassion but thankfully time out and I remember his just a really hurt and confused kid. His been lied too about why dad went away and is threatened by anything and everything taking his dad away again. I just want to figure out how to give him some mental peace and hopefully not have him backhand me by the time his 12 because his already punching BM's walls and abusing her, her only reprieve is he loathes me 100 times more.
This is an 8yo post.
This is an 8yo post.
Your comment likely won't get much traction.
But isnt it interesting
That even 8 year ago, the SAME CRAP keeps happening????
I sometimes delve into these older posts, not to torture myself, but just to see if there are any differences. Like, we keep complaining about the same CHIT. Over and over again. I guess when people approach these problems, and find a solution they dont come to these support groups.
In fact, Im starting to lose my perspective about the PEOPLE behind the issues...becuase they are all running together for me in their sameness...
I completely agree. I often
I completely agree. I often chuckle when a new post pops up about a unique blended family problem.
Are you sure he does not have
Are you sure he does not have mental issues? A friend's daughter seemed pretty normal until about that age. She got very clingy and was more like a 3 or 4 year old. (no divorce or family upheaval) She is seriously developmentally delayed and now lives in a group home at 30.
SD13 soon to be 14 acted just
SD13 soon to be 14 acted just like that she was 11 when I came along. She has gotten way better because SO put some boundaries in place.
^^^Same here. SD was 11 and
^^^Same here. SD was 11 and was fully ingrained into the mini wife role with DH. DH didn't realize what was happening and reinforced her behavior, thinking that she was just clingy due to the divorce but things got worse and worse as time progressed. I met them a year after he left her mother and she was over-the-top with him. It took a good year and a lot of boundaries to get her out of that behavior.
I agree with OCCA.
I agree with OCCA. Counceling is your best bet but it will take your DH and BM agreeing that there is a problem in order for your SS9 to get help.
My SS is 11 and DH and I have been together since he was 3, and SS11 still sits on DH's lap or between DH and I when we watch TV. It reminds me of a dog marking it's territory.
My DH has at times sat in the middle of the sofa between SS11 and I, or has asked SS11 to move because DH wants to sit next to me. At time this behavior irritates DH.
After all these years I think SS11 is insecure. I think this behavior is an abandonment issue, even though DH and BM divorced before SS11 was a year old. SS11 has never gotten counceling for it. Dh thinks he does it because SS11 is the baby of the family.
FYI - It got worse when BM started going out at night after SS11 was asleep. SS11 (then 7) woke up a few times and BM wasn't there.
~BettyRay
Ss15 was like that too when I
Ss15 was like that too when I first came along when he was 11. Now he's fine but at first I was in shock in more ways then one and ss was a huge issue added to my stress. I was not on this forum so I bumbled through as best as I could. He'd even lay on his dad on the couch (like dh would sprawl on couch after work watching tv) and until I came along slept in the same bed. When I came along DH would sleep with ss if he had nightmares, until ss grew too big and his bed was only a twin, so for about a year. Weird.
Anyhow, yes this child seems to have serious abandonment issues and only good therapy/counseling will help him correctly.
Mine and DH's Biodaughter is
Mine and DH's Biodaughter is a "mini-wife". She wants to sit on his lap when he is home. She will literally bring him (and only him) something to eat if we are eating a meal. She sleeps between us at night, and if we are laying down to take a nap she will put herself in the middle of us.
My son from my first marriage was the same way with his dad (ex-h), but he did grow out of it by the time he was about 5.
I think that some of the "neediness" has possibly to do with seeing dad only when he is home from work, and that dad's tend to be less of disciplinarians.
But I have noticed that step-kids tend to be less developed in the area of the clinginess.
My SD5 does the same crap.
My SD5 does the same crap. When I’m sitting next to DH on the couch, she squeezes in between so she can be next to daddy. When I get up, she jumps in my place. When we’re talking, she interrupts. She literally follows him around the house (even to the bathroom) and will not let him out of her sight. I can’t freaking stand it.
As you can see abandonment is
As you can see abandonment is a real fear with many step-kids and it takes a professional to sort it out. If that's not going to happen you might be able to find a book or two on Amazon.com (or any bookseller) that addresses the issue but its a pretty narrow field so I'm pessimistic.
Offer to go to counseling with the boy and Daddy maybe that will take some of the stigma away if Daddy has any problems with that.
I'm sure some of his
I'm sure some of his behaviour comes from abandonment issues, but I find it hard to beleive that a boy his age has to constantly drape himself over his father because he is afraid he will leave him. He also gives me snide looks as he's doin this. As soon as he crawls on top of his dad, and wedges his way between us, he will turn and give me a look that I swear is like "nah nah nah nah" Unfortunately I don't think counselling is an option for us as DH is NCP and BM would never allow it, as she doesn't see that divorce has affected the children at all. I think I find this most distrubting because it's SS and not SD's that has mini wife syndrome. I think I could be more understanding or at least expect it more if it were SD's doing it. I just don't know how to deal with the oldest child, and a male at that, trying to replace me as DH's partner.