Soul sucking situation
How did I end up in this soul-sucking existence? A lazy slob man, a lazy slob Sd, and I feel like I'm running a halfway house.
He's either lying on his @ss or he's fallen on it because he likes to drink. He doesn't work and is retired early. It makes me mad when I have to work night shifts at home to make 400 dollars less than he does sitting on his @ss. He has no consideration for me when I work all night and need to sleep. He will get into bed drunk or sober, turn on the TV, and wake me up. It's even worse when he is drunk flopping down on the bed waking me up and starts grabbing me. I just push him away and get up, He gets mad and says hurtful things to me. I just noticed we haven't been intimate for over two years since the mini-wife moved in. I didn't realize she had been here that long but, it's been over two years.
The SD will soon be 18 and is failing at school, All meals are made and catered to her, lunches made for school, all meals cooked have to be to her liking, groceries all bought to what she likes, and drives to and from where she wants, and I'm just the maid here who don't matter. My life is supposed to be waiting and catering to them, picking up after them, worshipping the ground the SD walks on, being their ATM, and being treated like crap by both of them, I guess, I'm such a bitch when I stand up for myself. Imagine that?
If you are reading this you are likely thinking get out, leave, disengage, why are you living this way?, and what are you getting out of this relationship? I own the house so I cannot just leave, I own the car, and he won't leave. In his eyes, we are common law and he knows his rights. He doesn't have to leave by Canadian law. The man just drains me mentally with all his crap. If I fight back with him he will chase me around the house, he will not leave me alone or let up on me, finger in my face, and very hurtful downright dirty name calling and blaming. I am not mentally able to have no sleep and deal with them anymore. I am worn down and ready for a mental breakdown, 
I thought about it and not once in this relationship has that man taken me out to supper, taken me to a movie, taken me away for a few days, or even done anything to make me feel like I was a priority to him.
He would not go to the mall with me if I wanted to go shopping and the few times he did he acted like a spoiled toddler and threw a fit. I was so embarrassed by him, I just said let's go. He gladly and happily hang out at the mall all day with SD, Buying her whatever she wanted, and helping her pick out clothes, Price didn't matter she was told just to get what she liked, I called off sick one Friday night and just slept on the sofa all night. I woke up before they did and got a shower. He got up and said arent you going to bed. I said, No, I called in sick and didn't want to wake you up so I slept on the sofa. Oh, we're going to the mall do you want to come? It sounded like an afterthought to me. I swallowed my resentment and went anyway.
We pulled up to the mall and they both jumped out and SD TOOK HER PLACE BESIDE HIM. I was walking behind trying to keep up with them they both were totally ignoring me. I made it into the shop since they left me behind and wouldn't wait for me. I've seen them looking at tops for SD. I walked up and said oh, these are pretty. Both of them totally ignored me, I decided to look at hats and when I looked up he had already paid for her clothes and they were heading out the door. I got to the car and I was shocked they even waited for me, Then he took her to the candy store. I just sat in the car and never got out. They didn't even notice I wasn't with them when they entered the store. I was fit to be tied by this time Then he looked at her and says I'm broke were going home now. He looks at me and says, Oh, didn't you want to go to the dollar store to get cleaning stuff? I said, ya! he pulled up to the dollar store and said to the SD are you going in with her she got out of the car and walked beside me and we got into the dollar store she started oh, I would like this, oh, looking at me like hint, hint. I said, well, nothing in here I want so she left me in the store and ran out and got in the car. Really!!
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far thank you
I cannot be quiet anymore with SD She loves trying to embarrass and humiliate me by talking to me like I am stupid, calling me out in front of others, She talks to me like I'm a worthless piece of shit. I'm down letting her treat me like that because of her age. As soon as I call her out Papa Bear will rip me a new one, Fair fight, HUh? Two against one always the bad guy I'm done with him and her)
If I go out with my family restaurants etc they come. Does he pay for him or her, No, I do. The SD never says thank you to me she will watch me pay and look at him and say, Thanks Dad and the idiot says, Oh, you are welcome big old grin. I don't say anything because I don't want him to ruin families' birthdays outings etc. My sister said to me once oh, he couldn't sit beside you at this event or that event. You realize he ignored you and catered to SD, right? Did he pay for anything, I never see him doing that. She is right, he has a life partner It's his daughter and there is never gonna be room for me I'm just providing a better quality of life for him and his mini-wife )
Disengagement? Tried that for 4 days and he was fighting with me that all I did was sleep and lay on my @ass. No dear, that is you and your mini-wife sorry you are confused. ugh!
I cannot even find a loophole to get myself out of this miserable existence. I'm mentally worn out and ready for a white padded room at least I will get some peace
You REALLY need to see a
You REALLY need to see a lawyer about this. There's no reason why common law spouses cannot "divorce" just because they're not married. You are not saddled with him for life. I found this as a condition to being considered a common law spouse in NB:
"You must cohabit continuously in a family relationship for 3 years and one person must be substantially dependant on the other for support or, live together for one year and have a child together."
(source: https://divorce-canada.ca/common-law-separation-in-canada)
Were either of you ever depenent on the other? You may have a loophole there but only a lawyer could tell you. Either way, youi're going to need legal assistance to get rid of him and his spawn. Start there.
This.
You are not just stuck forever. He will have to get out...you will have to start the process tho. The fact that he is an abusive alcoholic will help you.
Go to court
Get an eviction order. That he. Use move out in X number of days. Or he will be arrested for contempt of court. As he out one way or the other. You can force him out That the start.
Contact a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand.
Contact a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand. Do not listen to what your SO has say about the situation, find out for sure. Once you know where you stand legally, you can figure out what to do next. You do not deserve to live like this.
Safety First
I agree with every one else suggesting to seek legal advice. But pls also be as discreet as possible. You haven't mentioned physical abuse but if he gets in your face about the small stuff I can see him getting physical with something as big as this. Take a day off to see a lawyer. Lots do phone sessions these days too. And if you explain your situation via text or email i know someone would be willing to work with your hours to keep you safe. Create a whole new email to hide it from hubby if you have to and stay logged out of it on your phone. I would think to even record his abuse if you're able to. Emotional abuse is still abuse and a judge will see that. Keep things normal as far as routine things go. Don't give him an indication you're done. I'm wishing you the best! Even consider staying with family, it sounds like they're nearby? At least while you serve him eviction papers. Just hearing about him I'd definitely be afraid to stay in the house with him.
Sending you lots of love and support! Stay strong! We are rooting for you!!
I was legally common law
I was legally common law married for 13 years, and I'm in Canada. I hired a lawyer and had a separation agreement made. I had specific conditions regarding the sale of our condo and no alimony. We had no children together. If you have a pension, as a common law spouse he has no legal right to it. Worst case scenario is alimony, but it would be a hard fight in court for him with your income disparity.
You can do this. It only cost me $3500, and my ex fought the separation agreement at first.
THIS!!!
Stay strong, get free. It's soooOOOoo worth it!
You got this. Glad you found StepTalk.
Separate income, keep your money, he can pay all bills.
Never pay. Ever. Let him deal with how to pay restaurant tabs, for the mini-wife clothing trips, etc...
Get a storage unit and start moving your stuff.
One day he can wake up, and you be gone.
Living your new life adventure.
thank you for letting me know
thank you for letting me know there are people out there who understand this crap. When you have lived this way for so long you start to think it's normal
. It does help me a lot to have awesome advice and brings me back to No, this is not normal and no one lives like this . Im saving for the lawyer fees secretly I just dont have the 3500 up front , as of yet .. Sometimes, it would just be easier to walk out of this house and let the bank take it, let the bank take the car .. Seriously, I don't need the car it's never used by me . I work from home and my family will pick me up whatever I want, and the bus stops in front of my door again, I know i sound like a broken record but, when Iyou are gaslighted for so long I you start to think, is this me? sounds strange but mentally im just about done 
You're absolutely right, you
You're absolutely right, you do not need to live like this. I recognise everything you describe about the gaslighting and mini wife. Except for the physical aggression, that is also my situation. After 7 years of being treated in this way, I too am planning my departure v carefully. I've come too far in my life and through too much to waste the next years of my life being unappreciated, being called out in front of the kids by a weak parent who couldn't bear to hurt his little darlings' fee fees but can sure as heck tell me off, never being prioritised as a partner... Screw that. I'd be happier alone with my cat!
You're absolutely right, you
You're absolutely right, you do not need to live like this. I recognise everything you describe about the gaslighting and mini wife. Except for the physical aggression, that is also my situation. After 7 years of being treated in this way, I too am planning my departure v carefully. I've come too far in my life and through too much to waste the next years of my life being unappreciated, being called out in front of the kids by a weak parent who couldn't bear to hurt his little darlings' fee fees but can sure as heck tell me off, never being prioritised as a partner... Screw that. I'd be happier alone with my cat!
They call it
They call it "death by a thousand cuts". You are trying to understand how you got here from there and thats often how it happens. You dont start a relationship with someone expecting them to abuse you verbally, emotionally, financially. You are seeking connection, love, fulfillment, companionship.
You sound like you have been so beaten down you cant even see straight. Youve been broken down and now this is "normal" to you. You have more life in you and ahead of you that you cannot see right now, because you are in a fog of depression.
You are saving up money for a lawyer! Thats great news. You are venting here and getting great feedback and recomendations.
What about finances? Have you separated them yet? What about building a human network of people in real life that you can trust, places that you can escape from his verbal assualts?
Have you tried recording him with his outbursts? You have mentioned that he harrasses and harangues you until you give in. If you start recording him, maybe he will stop?
The problem you keep focusing on is SD. YOUR PARTNER IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Like me, I focused on SD1 and SD2 and Toxic Troll BM. They arent my problems, husband is my problem. Things are very calm right now. everyone is pleasant and getting along and I leave everyone to their own devices and do not complain at all about anything. I keep it light and friendly. I do my own thing.
While you formulate your plans, do please do things for YOU. That make YOU happy. Get out with friends and family, build that support system. If you need to leave for a few days, you should do so. And make certain there is no food bought by you in the house.
Again thanks for all the
Again thanks for all the great advice and support here. I have documents in order, and I'm trying to figure out an exit plan and be very sneaky about it, My first priority is to make sure I do not lose my job in the process, I'm sure since he pays for the Internet and Hydro first thing he would do would be try and disconnect me from those that way, id lose my job I can see him being that dirty if he thought or caught me making an exit plan. Thank god, we don't share a bank account, Ugh!
I intend to tell him over the next months how my company is going to make us have a separate Internet for security reasons to work from home. if he disconnects the internet then I am not stuck calling family or friends to use their internet to work,
I am sorry little savages that you are going threw this or anyone who is :(. I understand how you feel all your confidence in yourself is slowly drained and you never feel special, important, or loved, You become hateful and resentful, and you hate THE MINI-WIFE. The truth is we never had a partner who loved and cherished us, I think, once we slap ourselves hard enough and take our love googles off we will finally get it
I started keeping notes and every time he gaslighted me I started reading them, I did this because they get us to the point where we question right and wrong,, which helps to keep me on track
. You start to see just how full of it they really are, Try to think of yourself as single because you do not have a partner your sd does. hugs I'm so sorry anyone has to feel this way Big hugs Also reading other people's comments helps That way you are not just hearing him and his BS 24/7 and it really isn't your fault :(
For the Internet, look into
For the Internet, look into purchasing a personal hot spot. Let him disconnect the Internet. You'll have a backup.
My phone works as a hotspot
My phone works as a hotspot without having to do anything special to it. You should look at yours to see if yours does! You just go into settings and click "Personal hotspot" and you should be able to make it happen and connect your laptop to your phone with the code given. It's easy and works great.
I'm glad to hear you are planning an exit and thinking strategically. Just keep reminding yourself that you can find happiness, it just won't be with him. The sooner you are rid of him, the sooner you will have a sense of freedom and a weight lifted.