Single wo kids and dating a dad with two
I am recently in a new relationship of four months with a 40 yr old divorced man with full custody of 5 and 7 year old girls.I am 33, never married, engaged once, with no kids. I have a very successful career, own two homes and have a great life. I've never dated a man with children and have mainly been opposed to it until I met my current boyfriend. He has been divored for about two years now and originally had joint custody until about 6 months ago. He fought to get the kids and now the BM gets them on holidays and summers. The BM moved eight hours away to be with her new boyfriend and was planning to take the kids with her but dad fought to keep them here near her family and the school. So my boyfriend is a newly single parent, and great father to the girls. We both are in love with each other and he has told me he wants to spend his future with me and have a child together. At first I was all for this kind of relationship. I liked his girls, they really were sweet and loving and open in the beginning and still are, however as time has progressed I'm really asking myself if I can do this.. Be a step parent ...Have a ready made family. It's very frustrating for me and my boyfriend bc our time together is limited. We only get alone time on the weekends when the kids are at the grandparents or with the mom. I often feel like I am on the bottom of his list and am not used to not having a partner be there for "me." My previous relationships revolved around me and my partner. Now I feel very lonely at times and feel I only see him when his schedule fits. I have concerns that our parenting styles won't mix, as he allows the girls to do just about whatever they want. He does everything for them. They don't pick up after themselves, have no chores and very little manners. The don't have dinner manners, put their feet on the table during dinner, have temper tantrums all the time, and he really doesn't discipline them at all. I was raised quite different and feel at their age they should be able to help their dad out versus expecting him to do everything. I really am now questioning whether I would be setting myself up for a lifetime of challenges being a step parent and dealing with the ex for the rest of my life. I feel I have so much going for me and have always wanted to start my own family. I've also only ever really wanted one child. Also financially, we are on two different levels. I make two times more money than he does and I wonder if I will be the one supporting his girls and ours financailly for the rest of our life. I really care about this man and think I could grow to love his girls but don't know if this is for me. I also don't want to raise our child with different expectations and standards than what he is doing with his current. Please any advice is needed..
I amnot going to lie to
I amnot going to lie to you... its hard and it takes work!!! I once told my dh that I would have thought twice had I known what it was to be a stepmom. But I am so in love with this man, that it doesn't matter.
You are right to look at this with trepdation. And your questions are right on point. Because chances are that you will have to contribute to two kids that you did not give birth to.
Please whatever you do - do
Please whatever you do - do not make the mistake of supporting his children! I did this and it made my BROKE! I am not kidding! They are NOT your children - don't do it and hurt yourself. Save your money for lots of mani's and pedi's and pampering yourself because NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR YOU! Trust me! I just so happen to have a future sd7 and 5 as well...
feet on the table...can't sit to eat...throw a fit if the tv is off...chew like cows...NO MANNERS! I was definitely taught table manners so I am trying to teach this to them...The first piece of furniture I bought for our "someday house" was a dining room table! hahah! I WILL teach them manners if it KILLS me!
I would sit down...as I did with my fh and go over everything you can think of and read everything on this site just like Ms. Freeze said to do! Write a list of all the questions you have to ask! And all of the things you want to change - tell him you are doing this because you CARE about the girls...if you didn't care obviously you would not give a you know what about how they act, right? And of course this will make your life easier too...man, I should listen to my own advice. Tell him - you want to teach them chores and manners so they grow up right and respectable- these are lifeskills all people should be taught, right? Communication is the best way to get through everything!!!
Exactly! If I didnt love
Exactly! If I didnt love my stepkids then I wouldnt want them to grow up being good people. I will never forget my mother had issues with her stepdaughter... and CPS called me to ask me questions. This girl was having sex at age 14 and wanted to be out of the house. But I tolf them the truth. AS her daughter, my mother had certain expectations of me. I had chores, and I was not allowed to talk back. Oh my, how terrible, a kid who was spanked for getting sassy!
I have told my hubby that I want from his kids no less then I want from our biobaby. I will not tolerate any sassiness, and I must have her in bed by 9. If he treats his kids any differently then she will feel like they are getting special treatment. So as parents, we will have the same rules for all the kids.
I think you are right. This
I think you are right. This situation can only escalate. I hope that the poster knows that we are not saying these things out of malice, but out of experience and general concern.
I really had to lay it on the line with my dh. What I will and will not tolerate. And when he listened and started disciplining his kids, it was really good. And it helped that when BM was pissed about him disciplining, he wasn't listening to her, he was listening to me.
I told him that we will have rules across the board for all kids. No sassiness, no tantrums, no talking back. Although I am guilty of guilty parenting with my kids from another marriage. But the thing is, is that they have a good father who cares to make them into good people.
I read your post but not all
I read your post but not all the replies. I will tell you that when I met my husband he was a single dad and your situation and mine are similar. He does not discipline or correct his child. He makes excuses for her and does everything for her. His mother is the same. At 5 my mil was still wiping my SD behind. I know you love this man and you dont want to seem like the bitch because you dont want to get involved with someone elses kids. But the best advice I can give you 100% honest.... Get out now. I am 30 and I only ever wanted a child of my own. now I am raising someone elses with no graditude and now I dont even think I want to have a child with the man I married. If there are red flags waving in the wind, run. Sorry to seem heartless but if they dont care enough to dicipline their child I learned first hand they are not gonna help you do it. Nor should you have to do it. Good luck, god Bless.
The money thing becomes a
The money thing becomes a REAL issue. In the beginning you don't think about it/place much weight on it, but as time goes on... Especially if the children and their behaviors cause a lot of contention which leads to resentment, wow the money can be an issue. I have always been a generous person. But after life, and circumstances got invovled, you tend to look at the money different. Supporting your husband and kids through a bad financial time...ok, supporting your husband, your kids, his kids....hmmmmmm Even in a relationship without children when the woman makes more, has more assets, problems arise. A big thing for us was that if he and I worked, to have his kids in childcare basically meant that he was working to pay the childcare so I could work and support us. It got a little tetchy....
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments. I really am feeling I need to leave the situation and find someone without children all ready. I'm just scared to death of what the future may hold and I don't think I want to live each day in a relationship like this.. fearing the future.
As difficult as you think it
As difficult as you think it is, or might be, the reality of it is that it is far, far worse. I too was single, never married, no kids, lots of money, independent....met and fell in love with a dad, not yet divorced. "Disney Land Dad" otherwise known as "Guilt Parent". We've been together 3 1/2 years, married almost 1 1/2 years.
I have spent the last 3 years wrapping my life around this man and his daughter. Our marriage is not his priority. Or, better yet, I am not his priority. His child is. And ensuring that this child does not suffer an ounce of ..well, anything. He entertains her from the moment he picks her up from school to the moment her little eyes shut at night. I go along. I wait until she's at BM's for our alone time, reconnection time...however, especially lately, our alone time is spent arguing or even worse, not speaking. Its brutal.
Believe me, I had huge trepidation going into the marriage. I even posted on it. Its only gotten worse with marriage, as my expectations increased after we were married.
I have HUGE regrets. I have never felt more lonliness than inside this marriage. We have not created a "new" family, rather, I am expected to "blend" into his.
I am an "observer" in my home every other week.
We have huge issues, however, my DH does not want to attend counselling. If I don't rock the boat, all goes well. The moment I have an issue or a critisism or even a suggestion, he's defensive and angry. (he's the King of "I've done nothing") Yesterday my issue with him was that a couple of weeks ago he took BM on a tour of a "flip" that we bought and didn't tell me. I only found out because SD9 said "....remember Dad, that was when we were at the House [the flip] and you were talking to mom". I called him on it. His first excuse, "I forgot". When pressed, he said, "I didn't tell you because It wasn't a big deal and I knew you would overreact".
He's an asshole. What pisses me off is the deception. If its not such a "big deal" than why not tell me!!
This is juuuuuuusssst one of the many things I'm "left out" of.
The kid has sleepovers. He doesn't ask me, he tells me after its all arranged. He feels he doesn't need my "permission". "What's the big fucking deal" he says...."its not like you look after them". I'm blue in the face explaining that I would never "deny" his kid a sleepover, however, its my house too (actually, I paid for it)....give me at least the "semblance" of cooperation here!
Man..I can name you a hundred instances here.
BM isn't even an issue, believe it or not. Its all him. He's controlling.
I want out. And If I get the courage to finally get out...sorry, not "if" but "when", I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, become involved with a man with children. NEVER.
(sorry...I poned on your post).
I swear to GOD, my next post will be "bye bye all....i've left him and all of this bullshit"...good luck to you all.
And by the way, this poster,
And by the way, this poster, who wrote this YESTERDAY, just wrote a blog today saying that she and her husband are separating.
Food for thought.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Any other thoughts... BF
Any other thoughts... BF says now this is his situation and hes not going to stress over it anymore. Basically take it or leave it. My question is how should our relationship be now in the early stages? Only dating four months and I feel I only see him on weekends and talk to him when the kids are in bed. What expectations should I have of this relationship? Its so different than what I am used too..
From what he's said, expect
From what he's said, expect that his children will always come first and that he will not parent them to your satisfaction. Expect that you will always play second fiddle. Expect that you will not have any power in your own home. Expect rudeness, messes, and downright hostility as his children realize just how much power they have over their father. Expect the teen years to be excruciating.
Do you REALLY want this for yourself? There are TONS of great guys out there. If he's not willing to "stress over it" then he'll certainly not be willing to do what is necessary for your relationship when the shit hits the fan.
Consider this VERY carefully. And read all you can about other people's stories on this site before you get in any deeper.
I lived it....though not the
I lived it....though not the teen years...but i know they were coming.
At the very least, pre-marriage counselling with a counsellor who specializes in blended family issues.
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I can completely relate to
I can completely relate to your post. I wish I had the red flags that you do early into my relationship. I was also single with no kids and he had two. We have been together 6 years now and I am ready to get out. Trust me when I tell you it doesn't get easier you just have to decide what you can tolerate. I also want to have kids of my own but don't want to raise them the way his have been raised or have different standards for the my child and his children. I kept telling myself all along it will get easier and some things do, but you will always feel like an interloper in your own home. Now I feel like I have wasted 6 years of my life, and frankly am scared to go out in the world on my own again.
I think the writing is on
I think the writing is on the wall here for you. Reevaluate this situation!
Still so confused on what to
Still so confused on what to do. The BF and his girls spent the weekend at my house, which was actually nice but very exhausting. Cooking, cleaning, picking up.etc... I really got a taste of what it would be like all living together. I am really struggling making a decision one because if I leave I feel like not only am I leaving him but the girls too. I feel like I am bonding with them more and they are with me. The 5 yr old told me she wanted to live at my house when dad and I get married. They played in the yard all weekend and had a great time. She made me a card telling me she loved me and it just breaks my heart thinking about leaving this situation. But I still have wierd feelings too. Like when the BM calls and the BF talks to her in front of me asking how she is doing etc.. I'm like why do you care how she's doing and he says he's just trying to be pleasant.The BM seems to always have her own emotional drama. I don't think she is mentally stable. BF always gets caught up in it and then is in turmoil for the rest of the night bc he worries she will exert it on the girls. Also when he and I try to spend a few minutes together on the couch sunggling, the 8 yr old always comes up and crawls right on top of him and lays down. I eventually just get up and move to the other couch and let her snuggle with him instead of me. I don't like feeling this way. I'm just telling myself it will be like this if I marry him. I do see him trying to make improvements with this parenting but I showed up at this house the other night to see how the house was day to day when I'm not coming over and it was a complete tornado. Bombed... Stuff was everywhere, dirty dishes, dishes still on the dinner table the night before. I was shocked. It's like he gets no help from the girls. He just continues to do it all. I don't know what to do..
Trust your instincts
Trust your instincts sweetie....read everything on here...it is my best advice to you.
Wow, I'm new to this as of
Wow, I'm new to this as of last night when I was looking for help. Please read everything you can on here. I thought I was one a few with this story but I found out I'm not.
I was in a very similar situation. I owned my own home, new car, had 401k, saving. Married a man with children. Gained custody, devoted myself to her and now she has used us up and gone. I left my career and now we are broke. (I was the one making the most of the money) I would not advise entering into a marriage with children involved without really understanding everything and know what you are willing to share (or lose).
If I had to do it again. I would have married my husband because I love him but I would not have fought for custody and invested my self do deeply. If the bm is still in their lives, you will be 2nd. Not a good place to be if she is 8 hours away and not doing what she should do.
ohh, and also....the manners thing. Forget it, I fought the same battle. I promise you, you will not win this one.
I am in a similar situation,
I am in a similar situation, down to a T and all I can say it Get Out NOW. Once you're in too long it becomes difficult especially with the kids attached. If you have ANY doubt, at least take a break and while to evaluate you're own feelings. luckily, you do not live with this man and his children so that will be easier to do. I was in your situation 2 years ago and had doubts, I wish I had taken them more seriously instead of ignoring it. It's very hard to make that decision, but luckily, you're still in the early stages. Sorry to burst your bubble, but things will only get worse if you have doubts. Once the kids are 100% comfortable around you (which will take atleast a year or so in my experience) you will get the real them, and it isnt so pretty. You also have to be careful about the ex, she may put things in their head about you. I cant even tell you how frustrated I get trying to teach my BF's kids basic skills... like cleaning up after themselves, chewing with their mouth's CLOSED, and saying thank you. Honestly.. you will not win. As they get older it will only get worse. Sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer, I guess I just wish I had the chance to be in your position again. I would have gotten out.. You have to be so mentally strong to take on another woman's children. For me, after a while, it just started to get to me. If i could go back, i never would have gotten involved. Love is blind. People told me the same thing I am telling you now, but unfortunately I have a bad habit of always having to figure things out for myself..
I wish you the best of luck and I know just how you feel!