Secrets to dealing with this BM?!
Ok ladies, maybe you can help me out on this one. I'm still new to this site, so you haven't gotten the chance to know my entire story yet. But here goes.. The Bm I am dealing with always, ALWAYS finds a way to get under my skin (which I'm sure is the case with just about all of us). When she comes to our home to pick up the kids, she gets out of her vehicle, prances around like she ownes the place and tends to give me these "I hate you" looks (which is fine, hate me all you want, cause the feeling is mutual!) My FH had a "solution" to this, and I did give it a shot only to see it fail. He told me when we know she is coming, to just stay inside, don't even bother to look out the window. Even though my thoughts were "this is my home, why should I have to hide?!" I tried it. Well, let me just say that staying inside does nothing! I was in the kitchen helping FSD with her homework one evening and all of a sudden this face presses against the screen on our open window.. low and behold there she was! Now what in the world makes her think she can do this! I was steaming mad. Other times she has gotten out of her car only to bang on our door and demand FH comes out to talk to her. So he goes out the door, I stay in with my BD and FSkids, after about 5 mins I hear yelling, so I told the kids to stay inside and that I'd be right back. I go out the door, very calmly, and stand next to my man, waiting to hear what this is all about. She then looks at me and screams "this has nothing to do with YOU! These are OUR children and it does NOT concern YOU! So go back in the house!" Then she has the nerve to step toe to toe with me and point her finger in my face, continuing to yell. I was soo furious!! I honestly wanted to slap the hell out of her right there. But I couldn't, at that second I heard the door behind me open, it was my FSD-14, so I calmly said to BM, "this is my home and I do not appreciate you coming her and talking to me this way, I think it best if you get in your car and leave." I tried to do the right thing. She was pushing my buttons and it was working, but with her daughter right behind me, I felt it would be completely wrong of me to say anything negative to BM, as that would just upset FSD and cause havoc. I have had people that I were meeting for the first time say "oh, I heard about you from BM.. you must be the whore from Ohio" and give me this look that made me want to curl up in a corner and hide. -Now, I have to say this so you'll understand this part- when they were still married, I met FH online, we were only friends that talked about our life problems, you could say we were best friends that shared all our secrets. Their marriage was already ending and so was mine. But still, BM blames me completely for her losing her husband. It had nothing to do with the fact that she cheated on him, at least in her eyes. I guess it is easier to blame someone else. Anyways, I hate dealing with this woman. Her phone calls to FH, her text messaging his cell phone, her looks and rude ass comments she makes when she comes to our home. Has anyone successfully dealt with a woman like this? It makes my stomach turn when I see her acting as if she can do what she pleases when she comes here. Friday evening I'll have to deal with it yet again, so hoping for a new solution to try.
Is it possible to have the
Is it possible to have the kids waiting out front for her?
Anf in the future if she is yelling at your hubby, I would not go outside- as that has obviously escalated the issue, what I would do if she is screaming and him and being generally combative, call the police. She is practicing disorderly conduct and she is disturbing the peace, not only yours, but I am sure your neighbors as well. A couple talking to's from the po-po might just make her rethink her strategy
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
My advice...
Awhile back, I wrote a little survival guide for stepparents. It might help you out. It might not apply to everyone or to unique or extreme situations, but there's some common sense advice in there to help you through. I think of it as a group effort, because it comes not just from my own experiences, but from all of us here. Anyway, here's the link. I hope it helps!
Stepparenting Survival Guide
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Thank you Anne!
I just finished reading your survival guide. Very nicely written, totally makes sense to me and I will take this to heart and follow it. I try to stay positive in just about every situation, it's just rough sometimes. I plan to keep myself out of as much drama as possible around here and see where that gets me. I think a major issue I have is the BM calling & texting my FH at work. This bugs me. I was married for 10 yrs, during this time, I was abused, both physical and verbal. On top of that, the guy had been sleeping around on me. Now, I still have those thoughts in the back of my mind and guess I'm afraid that my FH will choose to do the same. The BM has expressed many many times in many different ways that she wants FH back at any cost. He of course tells me that she's insane and that he would never even consider such a thing. Maybe I just worry too much. After all, we have been together for 2 years now.. that has to stand for something, right? :-?
how did u do that?
BM here did the same thing to me TWICE and we couldnt do anything about it...we brought it up in court but no one cared...might have been different if we could have afforded a lawyer.
we used to exchange at mcdonalds and it worked great...until they went back to court. the GAL would not allow a public meeting place to be the exchange site unless we went to the state exchange center and we wouldve had to pay for it. he then told us we coudl exchange wherever we wanted but BM wont agree since "thats not what the papers say".
my BM is just like this and im sad to say we have not dealt w it as successfully as i wish. she doesnt call or text all the time, but we're alos seeing SD less too. when we do have SD, we are still getting texts. he just doesnt answer. he still cant have a normal conversation w the crazy but the situation is much better now. now that she won in court that is.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I felt like I was reading my own story!!!!!!!!!
I'm not joking, I'm reading this and I feel like someone stole my experiences! The BM does the same thing with me and the home we live in was MY home before we were married. Before we got married, I sent her a letter and told her that she had two choices she could either conduct herself in an appropriate manner or there could be a designated place where the kids could exchange hands. I also told her that if she chose to come into my home again and cause another scene that I would call the police on her regardless of what BF wanted. (I live in a nice neighborhood and I was not going to ruin my reputation because she chooses to conduct herself like trash!) As much as I hated it, I stayed in and the kids would come in and all was well. Then things got worse, she told my husband that I was harassing her (which was not true! I showed him all my emails and phone logs just to make sure there was no doubt in his mind) so we started meeting her to get the kids. Recently we've gone back to her dropping off the kids at the house and we take them back to her house. However, she is not CONSTANTLY texting him! She wants him back now etc. etc. And for the record, she left him for someone else, I came into his life after the divorce was finalized. My first husband was also abusive and cheated on me as well. So it is difficult but in the end I have to remind myself, sometimes a lot, that my husband isn't my ex-husband; just because the first one didn't know how to conduct himself, doesn't mean that this one will behave the same way.
I have no real advice, I just wanted to let you know that someone else out there can certainly sympathize with what you are going through!
The one thing I've realized, don't try and figure out how to rationalize with an irrational person...it can't be done!
So true!
I am coming to realize this woman is NOT going to change. It's hard for me I guess maybe because in all my 30 yrs I have never had anyone that hated me. I'm one of those people that like to keep everything on good terms if at all possible. I too have had her accuse me of harassing her, when in fact I was the one being harassed! I finally sent her an email telling her if she did not stop the bs, I would pursue all legal actions. That did nothing. Totally pointless! We actually have it in their divorce papers that neither party is to get out of their vehicle while at the other's home. The skids are teens and old enough to carry their own bags from the car to the house. Still, she finds any reason to hop out when here. My FH likes to try and just "ignore" anything she does, which I guess I can see his point of view, but he was with her for so long that he is used to overlooking the idiotic things she does. As for me, I have a harder time hearing things from skids like "mom says your just here temporarily until her & dad work things out".. wtf is that about?! I swear, sometimes I feel as if I'm the skids maid. I do ALL the housework, work 40+ hrs a week, and still find time to help them with homework, and anything and everything else they happen to need. I do it because I love my FH and I want our families to blend properly, but I would like SOME respect at the very least. I could go on and on for days about all the small things. Point is, I'm human too. I have feelings like everyone else.
Within a year I went from no kids to 3 kids, a boyfriend, and ex wife.. that's a lot to throw on your plate all at once. But day in and day out, I try my best to keep my chin up and make it work, because to me, this man is worth the trouble. Maybe it would help if the BM lived more than 2 miles away?! Wishful thinking!