not sure how to feel about this
My husband and I have two children. My husband also has a son prior to our marriage. My issue is with my stepson's mother's email communication. I understand her need to relay information about her child, but am not sure about how to feel when I see her constant refereneces to "our" son meaning her and my husband's son. Instead of referring to the child as his name she seems to continually want to point out the "our" part. I feel as though "our" anything ended with her divorce to my husband. She has also made comments like "we are so blessed to have this child." If she were simply a kind woman, I would not have issue with it. However,
while emails containing these types of messages come across she is also threatening to take my husband to court when she is upset about one thing or another.
I realize that this may seem like a small thing to worry about but I can't help but feel like the term "our" when referring to kids should mean my husband and my children together. We are married. Her overall tone in her emails feels too familiar and like she is trying to continually establish her place in my husband's family. It feels as though she is trying to do more than keep my husband informed of what is going on in his son's life.
My husband thinks that deep down she is sorry that she lost him and wants to make sure he does not forget his son. I know that he would never do that. How should I handle her feelings and comments?
I totally understand where u
I totally understand where u r coming from. I am dealing w/a similiar situation but in my 'research' on what to do, I have realized it is like a territorial thing w/the ex and she is letting you know that- you may have her ex-husband but you can never take away the fact that they had the child or children together. And this is her way of 'stabbing' at you and letting you know w/out looking guilty of being mean or obnoxious.
I actually deal w/baby-mama-drama, and have also realized that my husband's ex is narcissistic (actually googled 'how to deal w/a narcisistic person' and she fit the criteria almost to perfect!):jawdrop:
She is very self-centered, and always acts like my husband doesn't care enough about his son, even though we moved 1000miles away to be close to him, and my husband drives 30miles to work one-way --5days a wk.
I have realized in a short time that nothing we do is good enough, and nothing is ever her fault. And we are currently involved in a court visitation battle. She says my husband doesn't need to see his son 1/2 the time, even though when we lived far away, she sd my husband didn't see his son enough!!
Everything I have read suggests to not give into the mind games and little things, I know much easier sd than done! LOL!
The suggestion is to booster your self-confidence in knowing where you stand w/your husband, and knowing who you are, not who she thinks you are. I guess basically don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that "it" bother you. She sounds like she wants that, so once again there is attention on her and she is the subject of you and your husband's conversations.
Good luck, God knows we all need the strength some days just to deal w/the ex!
I agree with SoOverIt.
I agree with SoOverIt. Wingnut LOVES to remind me and dh that Creature is THIER daughter. She also likes to tell me every chance she gets that they were married for 18 years (this number changes randomly based on how many years they've been apart leading me to believe she still thinks they're married). My advice, let it go. If she knows it bothers you, she'll do it more. You know in your heart that he is your husband and you have your family. Let her behave however she wants. It isn't going to change reality. I will say this though, my dh often refers to me as "his wife" rather than my name when speaking to Wingnut, just to dig right back.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
You know... my Dh's troll
You know... my Dh's troll ex always refers to herself as " this is "troll" "DH's" EX-WIFE. I never realized it, but she probably does it because she thinks it bothers me. But you know what... it only makes me think that yes, you are his EX-WIFE!!! His old has been wife!!! And I am his younger much more attractive wife.
*like* "A pessimist
*like*
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
thanks for the words of
thanks for the words of encouragement from everyone that wrote in. It is hard to not be bothered by her words but I realize they are just that. For her sake and my stepson's sake I hope she finds a good man and that they establish their own family unit so that she is not so focused on making sure that no one forgets where the child came from. - as if that were possible.
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At least your DH is sharing
At least your DH is sharing the email communication with you. I wouldn't worry too much about it honestly.
Oh.. I am with you there!!!
Oh.. I am with you there!!! I would love for my ex to find a good woman who would be good to my ex. He was dating two women in the past who I thought were ideal for him. One who was so ideal that I told him that she was PERFECT! That she sounded like a catch.
Now he is dating someone who he has told me that he took Christmas shopping and spent about a grand, took out for a fancy meal with her daughter. This woman is in financial ruin and is in a desperate situation according to him. And on top of that ... oh and this makes me so sad for him... she called him up after he did all of that for her and told him that she couldn't spend all of her time with him and that he was annoying her.
I am in no way jealous, I mean really, how could I be jealous of someone who is a cruel person. SHe recently called him up to tell him that she wanted to start dating him again. Now mind you that she knows that he has just come in to ALOT of money. Now when he was flat broke a few short months ago, she wasn't interested in him at all. If I was mean and vindictive and I hated him, then I would be estatic that he had found someone that is going to just use him and treat him like crap.
But I actually care about seeing him happy. I would like him to find a nice wife who is able to care for herself, and who is with him because she wants to be, not because she needs to be. I think in a way I still held alot of respect for him, but to see him allow himself to be walked on, well it is just really sad.
Frizz refers to SD as "MY"
Frizz refers to SD as "MY" daughter. Never "OUR" daughter. She assumes FULL OWNERSHIP over SD as though the child was conceived without anyone's help...well she can stop collecting her fatty CS check then!
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
*snicker* I do that to
*snicker* I do that to EH.... when perfectson was little and EH would pick him up I'd tell him to please take good care of MY baby boy. Come to think of it, I still do that. Perfectson is mine. All mine. I know, I don't share well and I run with scissors too.
hah
I knew you did that! lol It
I knew you did that! lol
It bothers me when Frizz does it bc she is NASTY about it. She says it in a sneering, nasty,meanyhead voice that I just want to throttle her!
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
Yah, I don't do that... I do
Yah, I don't do that... I do it in a baby voice like "OMG my baby boy is made from the finest china so pleeeeeease be careful with him.... I am granting you the utmost favor in the whole world by letting you take my most precious cargo for the weekend and if anything happens to him in your care I would be forced to cut your eyes out!" LOL!!!! EH has always taken it well, he even brought perfectson back to me after having a motorcycle wreck with his dad and I let him live, so it's all good.
oh my gosh! we must have the
oh my gosh! we must have the same BM! she does that too and it annoys the crap out of me.. my DH never refers to son as "our" anything.. he and i just say his name, i dont know if it is deliberate or innocent.. like you said, its just her doing it.. I think its weird, because she makes it seem like she still has a place.. i know what you mean though.. its annoying.
thanks. I think it is a
thanks. I think it is a matter of boundaries and respecting the fact her ex has moved on and has an intact family. Conversations should be about the child and not about trying to hold on to her place.
This is probably something
This is probably something innocent on her part. I wouldn't worry too much about it. It is their child, so its only natural for the child to be referred to that way. My advice may be biased. When DH has referred to my SS as "our" child, it feels strange to me and irritating because to me this is further absolving BM from her responsibilities. When he speaks with BM and calls him "our" son with her, this is comforting. I feel at times the reminder is needed that she should be held accountable. I guess each case is different.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
i never thought about it
i never thought about it that way.. you know, my DH has said that to me and it feels strange. More and more, as SS is transitioning out of baby and into boy, I feel more like a big sister than a mom.. Like, as he is getting older I would rather be his friend than a mom, so to hear DH say that he is our son, it feels funny.
Heck I wish BM would refer
Heck I wish BM would refer to the kids that way...everything is my children this & my children that. She forgets just cause she wears her man balls proudly doesn't mean she procreated alone.
You are too funny
You are too funny sweetthing:) ...*giggle* manballs...
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
Bf and I call them "the"
Bf and I call them "the" kids so there is no weird ownership issues. They are people not plants. I get that from the ex as well especially since BF and I have no kids together so it's almost like she's saying he may be with you but he had children with me! She's paranoid that we may have a child together in fact I had to go the the gynecologist for another issue but I had BF with me in the waiting room when BM happened to be there for an appointment. You should have seen her eyes when he got up to go back with me when they called my name. She blurted "you can't go back there!" priceless. She also makes a point to bring up the old days whenever we are forced to be at social functions together. Always asking if he remembers this funny story or that funny story as if I didn't realize she has known him longer than me. I get aggravated but I have to remind myself that it's her insecurity speaking and not to validate her idiocy by participating or getting upset. Easy to say, hard to do!
thanks for sharing. I know
thanks for sharing. I know that lots of people out there deal with the same issues day in and day out. I agree that kids are people and could easily be referred to as their name (in my case just one so "the kid" seems a little odd, "the kids" sounds fine)I have come to realize it is her way of putting her stamp on my husband, but that he does not feel the need to put a stamp on her. It has increased since we've had our own children, so I have to warn you it may get a little worse, but like you said it is best not to get upset. Good luck with your future pregnancy!
Well think about it, Our
Well think about it, Our would mean a sharing of..it really depends on teh person and their personalities i think. I wouldn't have a problem with BM saying that with my husband simply because they are their children. We also refer to our children when we are talking about his 2 and my 2, because they are my stepbabies and his stepbabies , etc and so on..lol! But I know she is only meaning it in just that the shared children. The intent spells it out really I think, and I don't like her. Lol, but also she would never have a chance in hell back with my hubby..so for me, I think in knowing that, anything she would ever even try to "poke"with, woudlnt bother me , lol!
~Chrissie
Loving Wife to David, Mother and friend to Dannie, Lizzie, Stephie and Willie
Right, I get where you are
Right, I get where you are coming from. I think if both people coming into a marriage have children from a prior relationship or marriage, you are both dealing with raising kids with one another and with the bio mom and bio dad. For me its a little different in that I only have kids with my husband and so sometimes it is hard to hear "our" when that includes my husband as part of another unit. I realize it is not the most important thing to worry about in the bigger picture of life. I don't have a problem making my SS part of our family -meaning dh, me, our two kids. I knew that my dh had this child when I married him and like all of us thought I was a big enough and a mature enough person to handle it. Because SS lives in another state we have several months at a time when we don't see him, so we are continually readjusting him into our home. There is a part of me that wishes that SS was our true son, with us all the time, and there was no other adult in the picture making demands, owed regular amounts of money, etc.. etc..