I am 36 years old and I re-married a wonderful guy (he is 14 years older) 2 years ago. My husband has 2 grown children, a daughter of 24 and son of 21. My problem lies with the daughter. My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years and I have always been very supportive of both of his kids and have never tried to take the place of their mother (who lives in the area.)
Both kids have had their run-ins with alcohol/DUI and other issues over this time and I've always been there to help them through it. I am not a coddler and I tell it like it is, but I'm still very good to them and they don't seem to have a problem "taking" from us. However, God help us if we disagree with anything, specifically with the 24 year old daughter. Even when her mother kicked her out of the house a few years ago I insisted she come live with us, but there would certainly be "our" house rules that we expect her to follow. Well, off and on over the 5 years, both she or her brother have lived with us and we usually get along, but the daughter had definitely built a wall up and doesn't want to get close, but I'm still very good to her despite how she treats me.
1-1/2 years ago she called to tell us she was pregnant out of wedlock and the father wants nothing to do with the child. I convinced her that aborting this child would devastate her the rest of her life and no matter what we would shower her child with all the love and affection a child could ever want. My husband also felt the same, so we told her to move in with us again, we would not charge her anything so she could save money and move when or if she is ready after the baby is born, and even offered to pay for her college education if she would actually attend the classes. She declined to go to school, but works at a lounge/restaurant 3 days/week and earns a very good living.
Now, our granddaughter is 10 months old and we watch her 1 - 2 days/week while the daughter works at night. The baby absolutely adores her grandfather AND ME, but the daughter obviously resents the fact that our granddaughter loves me and just beams anytime she sees me. Whenever someone makes a comment about how much the baby loves me the daughter always has to mention that the baby does that with HER mother or any of her girlfriends, too. It's like my feelings as a good person or importance to her and her baby doesn't matter to her whatsoever.
My husband defends my position and anytime he attempts to discuss it with her, she acts like an emotional 13 year old, blows up, and storms off. This just occurred again the other day and she does not want me to be referred to as "grandma" which is fine with me because I'm not in competition with her mother nor have I ever been. I just feel I deserve the recognition as a grandmother and I don't care if the baby calls me by another name just not using my first name. It's too impersonal and I think I deserve better than that. It disturbs me that the daughter just doesn't care about my feelings as a person let alone not want me to be referred to as "grandma".
I love my husband's daughter very much and will continue to do everything I can to help her (including picking her up at 2:00 AM when she was so drunk she couldn't stand up), but I just don't understand why I cannot get her to respect my feelings as a person first and I don't want her baby to grow up calling me by my first name. I feel I deserve to be referred to as Nana, Grandma, or something to that affect.
I sincerely appreciate any thoughts/advice you have.