New baby and SD visitation
HI everyone, so I'm due with my first bub on December 31st, however as we know this date could easily be two weeks either side. I'm pretty stressed about SD12 being here in those first few days. She is meant to visit in January for 10 days and at the moment we haven' locked in the dates yet however BM wants her back by 19th Jan. Therefore for the 10 days to be here she would come on the 9th. I am worried that I might be late and have bub either close to the 9th or even later.
What have other people done and how was all this managed, I'm getting really stressed and upset. Also how would you expect DH to react with all of this in terms of support or comments? I'm just really all over the place right now 
Oh, and importantly it is not SD12 personally that is making this stressful, we get on well and she is excited about the baby so that isn't the problem, it's just the timing as a whole...
Only would like a few days to
Only would like a few days to adjust, not after a few weeks.
Actually, a lot of intact
Actually, a lot of intact families do just this. Send other kids to grandma's or an aunt's while the baby is being born and for a few days after (with maybe grandma or aunt bringing kids by the hospital to see the baby) so that the mom and dad can settle in a bit.
Especially as this is OP's first, I don't think this is an unreasonable thing to want. OP - you're only nervous about asking for this because she's your SD and you're afraid your request will be misinterpreted. That's another double standard SMs deal with all the time...things that bio parents do without feeling guilty at all cause us great guilt, stress, or fear that we'll be seen as "wicked" in some way.
Try to explain it to your DH like this. Many first families have "birth plans" that include several days for mom, dad, and baby to be alone together. Tell him this is important to you and that you guys need to have a contigency plan (aka skid to grandma's) if the baby is late.
It is hard as like you said,
It is hard as like you said, it is because she is my SD I guess, it feels like I am being selfish... I think I might get him to talk to BM and see if she is happy to have a flexible start date for the holidays if bub is late with would give me 2 or 3 days at home alone with bub and DH and lock in the end date. It is only a one off and she is coming for 10 days before Christmas as well so it's not like we aren't spending time with her in the holidays.
In my country we have 2-3
In my country we have 2-3 days in hospital after baby is born. Is it the same where you live?
If all goes smoothly I leave
If all goes smoothly I leave the hospital after 4 hours to come home. So not much time to adjust to a new baby!
We then have a midwife visit
We then have a midwife visit us everyday for a week and then every second day the following week. I feel comfortable coming home that early especially since DH has experience with babies and is super supportive - but having SD here right at the very very start as well makes it seem very scary!
stop stressing Hon..... so
stop stressing Hon..... so what if SD is there, it's not like she's going to be with you in the delivery room...
it's not like she's going to demand to be fed while you are in labor - and if she does not your problem
I suggest you keep living your life, prepare for the birth take it easy, DH can do everything for you and for SD< you are not going to do a thing, same with baby arriving... you focus on the baby, and allot of sleeping if the baby sleeps, Dh will be responsible for SD and if he has to work, guess he has to find some one to take her during the day then
We don't have anyone who can
We don't have anyone who can easily take her on short notice. Her BM lives 5 hours away as well. However I know it will be ok, just having a major stress tonight
ah the ol' pregnant hormone
ah the ol' pregnant hormone nights....
Hon just make sure DH pulls his weight, there's nothing to a new baby, believe me you only start hating them when they turn into teens... before that it's all easy,,,,
Yeah, DH is super supportive
Yeah, DH is super supportive and is certainly already pulling his weight while I'm pregnant, I guess I want him to also be able to read my mind and realise how stressful I am finding this - perfectly reasonable late night pregnancy thought yes?
Thanks for the long reply!
Thanks for the long reply! Feeling a bit less alone
it's such a big scary thing having a first bub and yes, in future I would be having someone take my first child to look after when I had the second so why would I want SD here? Happy for her to come after a few days but at the very very start, it is all a bit overwhelming...
While she is 12 she and DH
While she is 12 she and DH spend a lot of quality time together when she is here. It is great as they cook together, go bike riding, beach, play games etc - however this will change a bit once bub is here (maybe modified is a better word). She doesn't retreat to her bedroom, she likes to be part of everything which is great, maybe I should just enjoy the extra set of hands around to help and trust that it will go smoothly.
Thanks Llilac I suppose that
Thanks Llilac
I suppose that is the biggest thing really, I want to feel validated with these thoughts, not selfish and not crazy.
That's crazy that they send
That's crazy that they send you home right after having your baby.
I was just like you, freaking out that I was going to give birth on a skid weekend and DH would be 3 hours away with SS15 while I was on bed rest at my parent's house.
I had an OBGYN appointment and she told me to go ahead and go in to the hospital but I could take my time and shower/eat light. We didn't even get to the car before DH called his parents........(idiot DH)
My in-laws got to the hospital before we did and they live 3 hours away.
Oh. My. God.
I was worried that my mother in-law was actually going to pick up SS and bring him with them. My MIL is crazy, and not the good kind of crazy.
Well good thing they didn't. Because they waited in the waiting room for.... SIXTEEN HOURS!!!! They are CRAZY.
So anyways, I was able to avoid having SS15 over until the next weekend. It wasn't fun for him, and I was an emotional mess.
Honestly for me was the fact that I was having trouble learning to breast feed and had to lock myself in our bedroom to do so. Especially when she was eating every freaking hour.....
Since you have a SD you won't have the issues I'm explaining with a teenage boy and wrestling a now 4 month old on the boob. But.... I eventually got over my modesty and I use a button up top and have a burp cloth over my exposed boob. No F's given anymore... no more hiding in my room all weekend or trying to use the feeding cover.
You guys need to have an emergency plan if you have not had your baby yet when SD is visiting. Otherwise she's going to be in the waiting room for who knows how many hours.
I can't imagine having the in
I can't imagine having the in laws at the hospital! Mine live 10 hours away and are coming up to visit after the first few weeks. Hopefully bub just arrives on time and then none of this will be an issue! Fingers crossed!
10 hours seems like a pretty
10 hours seems like a pretty safe distance! I guess what I'm trying to say was that I stressed out so much about SS15 being at the hospital or DH being 3 hours away with SS doing sports stuff in SSville when I go into labor.... and then in the end he wasn't even really an issue unless you count trying to breast feed.
SS15 has been a creep about breast feeding just because he's curious. Like full out turning around to the back seat of the car to look when he knew that was what was going on. Like.... Dude really??
So DH had a conversation with
So DH had a conversation with BM today at SD12s graduation and the plan at this point is that if bub is late and it cuts into the planned visit we will have 2 or 3 days at home alone first and then go get SD12 for the rest of the visit. At this point in time it looks like it all might be very straight forward! I guess I was playing a few worst case scenarios around in my head since it seems like almost every visit gets changed in some way.
Thanks for all the replies everyone - I felt a lot less alone and my rational brain got a chance to get switched back on
Sounds like you reached a
Sounds like you reached a compromise that will not prevent SD from feeling she is welcome in the new baby's life, since they will be siblings, so getting off to a good start with no hard feelings is important.
Can you talk to SD about this? She's 12, so can listen to reason presumably, esp. since you've got a good relationship with her, and making her feel like she is part of the planning might help her to get with the plan...also educate her about the difficulty of new mom's getting babies to sleep, getting enough rest themselves, and even unexpected stuff like getting babies to latch on/get a handle on breastfeeding can be challenging.
You can send lots of pics, maybe BM could bring her to visit right after the birth to see the new baby and then say "see you in a couple of days!" ?
Also, get her on board by making up a grocery list together of easy, DIY foods she can get for herself, maybe including treats. Or do some cooking together and freeze the food so she can microwave it herself, and may even prepare a meal or two for you.
If necessary, she could do it "for her dad, who will be really tired after supporting you through labor"...
This seems like it might be a good time to ask her to take on more responsibilities....IOW, the more she can be part of the process, the more invested she may be in this changing family configuration...(and all that goes for bio kids, too!)
They are great suggestions
They are great suggestions Chamomileflower.The main problem is that they live 5 hours away, otherwise I would be happy for her to visit straight away or even stay here knowing that if we need to we could call BM to pick her up if something went wrong. SD12 is coming for 10 days on Friday so that will be a great chance to work out meal ideas with her and prepare her a bit better - big chances for all but I'm feeling good about it
Hopefully I will be able to post about how smoothly it all went in the next few weeks!
Good luck with everything,
Good luck with everything, smokeyquartz. Let us know how things go!