We have a problem
OK - so we now have SD11 every three weeks for the weekend because she lives over 4 hours away and her BM has just smashed her knee cap and is in a wheelchair so her partner is driving half way down to drop SD11 off when we meet and he works long hours so can't do it EOWE. SD11 is finding the extra week away hard it seems, I think because she is getting older as well she of course notices time differently now. Anyway - the point is she now gets picked up by DH at 9am Saturday and taken back 4pm Sunday. So of course they make the most of the time they have together. I am out of the picture a bit in the sense I am working weekends (from home) so I appear here and there throughout the day when I can. SD11 this evening apparently got home in a very disagreeable mood, swore at her mum, yelled, and then went into her room and didn't come out. BM then rings DH very upset and angry (understandably) and wants to know what happened at our place to cause this.
During the weekend DH and SD11 of course spent a lot of time playing at the park and board games in the house but they also cleaned SD11s room top to bottom and sorted this to keep, store, donate etc. She helped with dinner, helped with the dishes and put away everything of hers in the right place before she left this afternoon so its not like it was a holiday.... When I overthink weekends I always wonder what is too much play and fun? BM is upset because she says she can't run around at the moment and just do fun things at her place all the time. So true, but like I said - SD11 was really well behaved, helped out and just had a great time this weekend.
BM says her behaviour is getting worse as the weeks go on when she gets back to her place after being with us. We do think however it could have to do with us involving SD11 in so much and treating her more like an adult in the sense of things like not making her eat all her dinner, if she is full we believe her (she is an amazing eater and tries new things all the time and doesn't complain later that she is hungry or wants dessert). At BM she has to eat what is put in front of her. Point is, different approach.
I can give more detail but at this point..... what should we be thinking? BM has asked DH to talk to SD11 next time she is down. I am wondering if people have had similar experiences and how you structure weekends so that you are spending quality time but not just being the "fun house".... confusing at the moment...
I'm sorry, I can only say it
I'm sorry, I can only say it depends on how your BM is. The best approach might be to sit SD down and have a discussion where tell her there are different rules at each house, and she has to respect her mom's rules at her house, and your rules at your house. That, because it's two different houses, there are going to be differences but that you all love her and know she is smart enough to figure out which rules are for which house. It's also a healthy way to let her vent and talk about how she feels about these different rules--since bottling it up seems to be not helping. Listen when she tells you, empthize with her, but stress the fact that there are going to be different rules wherever she goes in life, and what applies in one place won't apply somewhere else. You'll have a better adjusted kid with smarter coping skills.
Thanks for the advice. That's
Thanks for the advice. That's our plan at the moment. It is hard when houses are so different and SD11 never really talks about BM house. She has a little sister there as well and it seems from bits and pieces we have put together over time that she often feels left out cause her mum and mums partner think their daughter does no wrong, but she is always in trouble and gets blamed for things the little sister does. Only a one sided story of course and we have talked to her saying that it might seem like their are different rules for them both but that could be because of the age difference and that she needs to help as well to teach her little sister good manners. Hopefully we can have a good talk next time she is down, it breaks my heart to think she is having trouble going house to house and even though I know it could be due to minor things, it also plays on your mind that it could be more serious.
Good advice from not2sure. I
Good advice from not2sure.
I will add that I notice squirrelly behavior from both skids at transition times. When they first arrive from bm's house they are both hyper and fussy and just plain het up. I assume it's similar at BM's house when they get back from ours.
So I wouldn't really take it too personally if I were bm. But I do agree that the (currently) more favored parent telling skid that she shouldn't treat anybody like that is a good idea. You might also include coping strategies for living under different rules. For instance, at mom's house it's a good opportunity to learn some strategic thinking and self regulation at dinner. Make sure you only put on your plate what you are certain you can eat. In fact, take less. I assume mom will let her take seconds but doesn't want to see food wasted. So take one meatball instead of three. Also, offer to help in meal planning and preparation which her mother will appreciate and the girl can influence what is served and probably get more of the foods she prefers if she takes some of the load off her mother. Just an example---This is an opportunity to teach his kid some excellent life skills and become a good person as well as solve the child's feelings of surliness. Added bonus you guys don't have to change your weekends in any way.
BTW, congratulations on having a good skid.
I agree as well thanks. SD11
I agree as well thanks. SD11 doesn't get to serve her own food. She doesn't like eating certain things like lamb and beef but eats so many other things but BM partner when he cooks puts those things on her plate and makes her eat it all and she says its too much but he says that kids need to eat everything on their plate. Again, not sure of the story but could be something to talk about next time and give the feedback to BM and maybe things will change. Sigh, being a kid is hard.
My amateur opinion is that
My amateur opinion is that his mother has indoctrinated him with religious fears and rituals and he is trying to cope in the real world without his mother being around. His mother doesn't go between 2 houses so is in control of her environment. SS isn't in control so he has to resort to other extreme behaviours.
He definitely needs help in assimilating into the real world. And this is extremely cruel of his mother to allow this to continue. Of course there may be some co-dependence going on with mommy being the ONLY one to save him or protect him in the world.
HORMONES. My daughter is 12,
HORMONES.
My daughter is 12, and omg one of us is not going to survive. I also recently helped her clean her room from top to bottom, and she is VERY verbal, so this is what goes on inside the minds of tweens...
"How come we only get to be kids for like 10 years and have to be grown ups for all the other years?"
"I just don't like change..." (When trying to decide what little girl things to get rid of now, and which to hold onto for a while.)
Zzzzzzzzz... she literally got overwhelmed and fell asleep on her bed.
Her attitude can change in a split second. And if she was dealing with a hurt mom, schedule change, going between homes, etc... I don't know what I'd be dealing with.
It's easy to blame the other household because neither really knows what's going on at the other house. But it's the child. Their brains and bodies are FREAKING OUT and they are just trying to hang on and survive. I know I can flip at any moment, and have to offer grace when my daughter does. It's not because she hates me, it's because she is transitioning into the person she's becoming and it's not always easy.
If Mom had her all the time, she would have figured this out. When they are constantly coming and going, it's hard to see a pattern. And because there is this "unknown" of what's going on at your house, that's the first "go to." If it hasn't happened already, someone needs to talk to her about hormones and how they can make us do/feel weird things. My son was 10 when it started and it freaked him out a little because he all of a sudden was angry all the time.
Thanks for the comments
Thanks for the comments everyone - good to see that we seem to be on the same page. It's called life sometimes. Yes, we've had the chat at both houses about hormones. DH was great with her and answered lots of questions, I'm really glad they have that relationship. We try and keep information coming from him rather than me. We talk about everything first but then he talks to her, I'm just there for support if need be and SD11 knows she can talk to me about things and has sometimes so I think we aren't doing too bad. I was worried if there was the fun house factor and we have explained to SD11 the reason we can play more is because we use the time when she isn't here to do most of the housework etc so we can spend more time together but if she was here all the time she would see things would be different.
So any comments on the fun house situation? How do you structure weekends if you only have the Step Kids EOWE or even less? I feel sometimes that BM is just going through a rough patch and would be upset at DH if he didn't play enough, plays too much, etc etc. Hopefully her health will start improving soon but it will probably be 4 months until she is out of the wheelchair