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keeping my mouth shut about skids

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 8:48am

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Last night I told her that I am tired of seeing her kids sit around all day and make a total mess of the house. All they do is play video games all day, watch tv, go to the movies, and make a total mess of the house. They show that they don't care about their mom and they are just plain lazy and disrespectfull to her and I . They are 13,17, and 21 and not little kids. She tells me last night that she does not want to be in the middle. Their father is deceased and they don't even talk to me unless I talk to them. So, from now on, I am not saying anything. Let them tear the house down . I am not lifting a finger. So frustrated. Sad

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 8:58am

I doubt this will make you any happier. It sounds like your SO needs to start parenting.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 11:14am

Kate, she yells at them after telling them a number of times to do something. It is so frustrating. All the yelling is taking a toll on me. I am a loss for words.

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 2:58pm

Hmmm, so I see she's trying, but it doesn't sound like she's going about it right. I see some good advice from posters who have been at this parenting thing longer than I, so I'll leave you to them.

Kay2's picture

Submitted by Kay2 on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 9:18am

Yes it sounds as though she is the root of the problem. You should disengage (for your own sanity) and expect her to stay on them about these things. You have the right to expect fair boundries with the skids. Wink

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 10:39am

I do the same thing....I just keep my mouth shut because if you say anything about the angels you are the bad guy and I second what stepkate and kay said.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 10:45am

very hard to disengage with people that dont even talk to you in your own house. How do I do that. All they do is make a mess for the slaves to do. So sad today that they treat me and their mom like this.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 10:52am

I know exactly how you feel...my BF daughter treats her father actually worse than me and has less respect for him, BUT he and BM are the enablers to the whole mess and they are the only ones who can fix it.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 1:31pm

They have no pride and responsibility. That is a MAJOR problem.They treat things like they were junk, and easily replaced. Yeah, but on whos dime ? I am not saying I dislike them at all, but, without some major changes, this is going to be a circus.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 4:30pm

No, kids are not willing to go. I can't force them. I have already told them twice, that I am not a replacement.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 1:28pm

It is like them against us. They all do as they please and text each other. Then there is us, working hard to get things done. All they do is fight against us and make matters worse.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 1:45pm

I don't beleive so. I truly believe that they will continue to destroy the house and do as they all please. I have two options that I see. One, is sell the house and buy a new one. This way , it is our house , not their dad (that is deceased) and moms house. Second is start to charge the oldest rent, so, that is one less to deal with. She is 21 and still does nothing at all. No rent, no chores, nothing !

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 2:38pm

I don't know what to do next. They always comment to thier mom that if I paint or change things, why is he doing that. I believe they are still considering it dads house.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 12:54pm

Perhaps you could make an effort to join togehter with them to make some sort of tribute to the father around the house. Plant a tree in his memory, help them paint and design a wall in hallway or other less traveled area with pictures of them as a family, kind of make a small concession to his memory.

Then discuss that this is now your home too and while you respect their father's memory, he is no longer there and living in the home.

I feel for you, it's hard to compete against a memory.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 12:58pm

we have a large garden area just for that. It has place stones with meaningfull words and a large stone with father on it.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 3:24pm

The 21 year old might be school smart , but very immature. She still plays video games in her room and is more concerned with what is playing at the movies instead of what she can do to help. She makes her own food , cleans only her plate , and has no bills at all. Living like it was a resort. I am so fustrated, I am hating going home, because it will be the same mess .

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 3:41pm

She has a job and graduates school this year. I can just image how that is going to go once she has to pay rent. I don't think that is a adult , if you can act like a child and not care what people feel about you. Society does not like people that think they are entiled to anything.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 4:13pm

LOL , fly the coop. Kids today don't have the slightest clue how expensive things are. All it is, is where is mine ? How can I get one ? I want one too. Me, me, me. She will want to stay. She has it made. Place to stay. Mom pays for food, car , car insurance and other things she might want. Why would she ever leave ? Her boyfriend is the same. Comes in . Never says hello. Plays video games and does nothing.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 4:16pm

So, what did you do ? My friend said we need a fresh start. Then , I have a say, because, it is my house, not theirs to destroy.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 12:00pm

we are discussing selling the house and buying a new one. I just think that a new house will only be destroyed as well.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 12:02pm

Yes Dart, I do have a cave and I avoid all the kids from now on. Unless they speak to me, I would talk to them. I will not be treated like a stranger. If thats what they prefer, fine. Stangers we are.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 8:33am

I would follow closely the advise of Kat and OldDart, they are saying some very good things!

Really, if your wife is open to the suggestion that you are not happy and there needs to be some changes then you and her really need to deside on some basic things that are non-negotiable for you and work on just those. Deside what the rules are and what the consequences are. Plan a family dinner to discuss that things are changing. Pass out some chores and make them aware that the priviledge of living there comes with a few responsibilities.

But really you have to build slowly to make changes. Pick a few things that really get on your nerves and focus on them. Your part in the compromise at this point is to let the rest go, knowing that later when you have a base to build on that you can address the other annoying things little by little.

I really believe you and her need a plan on how to approach making these kids independent so that you don't end up with grown 'kids' living with you forever.

At 21, there should be an expectation that this kid will start to become self relient. They should already be paying for some of thier own expenses. I had a car in high school, however I also had a job and made regular payments to my parents to help with the cost of it.

Good luck

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 11:55am

Above, I would like a family dinner, but, none of them eat with us, all they do is play video games and are VERY picky when it comes to dinner. As well, they don't even clean their plate off or say thanks.

steptwins's picture

Submitted by steptwins on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 9:37am

Sounds like Step Dad's get the same B.S. as Step Mom's. When I first moved in I also painted and cleaned up the house -- all rec'd. as changing OUR house that was fine. Any change was seen as a threat not an improvement. I hate it! They are all lazy pigs at my house and I work so hard to make that house nice so I know how you feel Pat.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 11:54am

Thanks step. I stopped doing anything to make the house better. In the last two weeks, the house is in shambles already. Thanks for your post.

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 1:17pm

well , if they are, maybe you can send them here.This way they only destroy one house. It is a shame. It is a really nice house that their father worked hard for and provided, and this is what they do with it ?

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 1:28pm

maybe you can start using that to guilt them into taking better care of it. Just mention now and then how their father would probably be appalled at how this house looks, he worked so hard to make it nice for them. Maybe just start muttering to yourself as you are doing things since they don't speak to you anyways.

I'm not above using guilt ! lol