Just tell me if im overreacting
I need opinions, because if dh convinces me of this bs about myself then it will fuck me up.
Sd9's bday is coming up and her mom decided to throw her a bday at the roller rink. Asked me and dh if we wanted to join, while they were talking about other things. Dh said "i think we can but i should check with sm first"
How would YOU all take that!? I take it as, no wonder im the bad guy all the time and no one has any respect for me. Because dh just puts it on me and if we dont go its the evil step moms fault.
Couldnt he just say, ill have to check our schedules, ill let you know. Thank you for the invite.
Then when i tell him how it makes me feel, he throws a huge fit about how it's ridiculous how much i care what other people think!!!! Basically the rest of his accusations calling me weak and thats its bullshit were back to fighting about this again.
I didnt do anything, did i? I just want my husband to be a protector! He always throws me under the bus and i might add, he never seems to ask me before making any important decisions with her and now all of a sudden he decides to throw me in front of it.
He can't stand up to BM and
He can't stand up to BM and has to use you as an excuse? What an ass. And no you're not over reacting. Tell him next time whatever/whenever he talks to BM leave you out of the conversation BUT has to run everything by you later.
A.
Right? Thank you! Lol
Right? Thank you! Lol
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your whole response. Totally. Its funny because i posted this in another group im in to see if id get different responses and i did see a lot of them feeling like they would rather their dhs include them in the response to bm like my dh did.
I have thought several times wanting him to appear united with me to bm, yet i also dont want to feel thrown in front with all decision making left on me especially when it comes to a bday party that the kids are begging him to come to. Lol its just weird.
We havent spoken in over a day. This is sucky.
He paints you as the bad guy,
He paints you as the bad guy, so that he doesn't have to draw boundaries with his ex, or face the Skids reaction. Mine did this to me for years. YEARS. I wish I had nipped it in the bud the FIRST TIME.
If this were me and hindsight were 20/20, I would have insisted he call BM, say *HE* wants to take SD somewhere special to celebrate her Birthday, and he will see her then.
It may be too late to sneak out of this one. Just a warning though... once the precedent is set for the "group" parties, they are near impossible to stop.
Haha shit that sucks! You
Haha shit that sucks!
You make a good point, we could be setting ourselves up for a lifetime subscription of group parties/activities. We have made an appearance a time or two, and left for things over the years, but this feels different. I feel like when she asks for things, she always wants in return. Maybe she will want us to invite her and her new boyfriend and his kids and her kids to our parties and everything. I just dont want that!
No, he said he doesn't know
No, he said he doesn't know and will check with you. Because you are the other part of the duo, not BM.
Men are not quick thinkers on their feet. So he did his best. And frankly who the F cares if you are the 'bad guy'? Why does that matter/ BM will bad mouth you every opportunity she gets. This is a given. People will only respect you when you give them respect. And who is 'everyone'? BM? SD? DH?
DH is your problem. BM and SD? As long as you are not being mean and awful and deliberately making SDs life a living misery (which sadly some SMs do)who cares what they think? I cannot understand why you think you will 'get' respect from people without earning it? Now being civil and polite.. everyone should do that. But respect? I don't respect you because I don't know you IRL. But I would be polite and kind and civil to you.
If you want to write the script for DH to follow, do it. At least he didn't say "Yeah I will be there but SM won't want to come so it will just be me, OK?" He didn't throw you under the bus. He just didn't phrase it the way you wanted him to. Although I do not think you both really need to attend a birthday party for a boatload of screaming 8-10 yr olds!
Lol! Ok, got it. The only
Lol! Ok, got it.
The only thing is, i get the whole you dont know me so you won't respect me thing and will be polite, etc. but my SD's, DH, BM, DS all know me. They all receive something from me. Love, attention, work, money, errands, special favors, kindness. Etc. i give respect i deserve respect. who i really expect respect from is dh. Everyone else can suck it, but dh sometimes is on the borderline emotionally manipulating me i think and its tearing me down emotionally. A loving husband shouldnt do that.
I think i probably should let go of the way dh worded his response. Due to the overwhelming majority of posters here and another thread.
Thank you for your help, your insight was welcomed and i dont want to hang out at that kind of a birthday party either!!
OP you're going to be the
OP you're going to be the "bad guy" no matter what you do, no matter what DH says. Welcome to step life. It's just something you're mostly going to have to ignore. He's right, quit worrying about what other people think. Tell him he was right, men love to hear that. He's actually putting you in charge of the situation. You're the planner, decision maker and have the final say in the home which is awesome.
DH does this to me too, defers to the wife. "I'll have to check with still learning." If he said "I'll have to check with BM" he knows he'd be skinned alive. Just recently he made up an excuse saying that 'I' had plans therefore we couldn't be the traveling nanny for skids. I honestly didn't mind being the fall guy for that one.
Nope his answer should be Ill
Nope his answer should be Ill get back to you with an answer. Trust me. I have been called controlling for 19
years by DHs family and his ex and daughter who no longer even speak to DH. (Major PAS). No matter what was asked it was I have to ask my wife. Even if I was sitting right there with everyone. Even if he was going to run to the store with his brother! Why would I care? But him doing that made him look like I pushed him around which is so far from the truth its not funny! Funny thing is my DH is the control freak and has been a law enforcement for 30 years but they all think its me. When confronted DH still makes excuses or says what do you care what they think? Ive been hearing cracks for years about me controlling him but now when DH has tried to say No to something they all say its because of me. Now that he tries to correct them nobody believes him and he is upset his family only tolerates me!
Funny thing is I have been a "people pleaser" all my life and DH is the one who likes to have a "screw you" attitude. He just likes to hide it behind me! Would love to kick him in the balls when he does it.
End that crap right now because you probably had 2 strikes against you from the minute you started dating
your DH and he will help make the 3rd strike and then wonder why youre not treated respectfully by others
or he'll gaslight you and say its all in your head or something.
I do call my DH out now when he does it but the damage has been done.
Its just a way to be a spineless coward and never have blame thrown on DH. At least in my case. Good Luck
Wow, see i think it all
Wow, see i think it all depends on the persons family situation. Maybe for us, and our lives, its not cool for us to seem in control of our men to that extent. I totally see what you are saying and i feel it right now. Actually describes the situation perfectly.But i hope its gotten better for u!
My dh is totally passive
My dh is totally passive aggressive too. It's ridiculous but it sounds like you manage it well! But omg i couldnt eat that food either yucky haha but maybe soon he'll tell you what he wants
Welcome!!!! I feel so honored
Welcome!!!! I feel so honored to make a member join LOL
Thank you for the advice. i do think he meant well, sometimes i just have doubts about them and freak out i guess. Especially lately. This past week we had a huge fight and chose our own kids over each other, and weve been in counseling since our 3rd month of marriage. So its really been hard for us, and he never seems to say the right things to her when it comes to me. Whether it is leaving things out, etc. situations in which makes me look like ive emotionally abused the girls when he had the perfectly good opportunity to say the right things to her to make things better in whatever it is. I just dont want the drama. I just want a happy life and if there is anything either of us can do to make that happen then i want us to do it, but it seems so hard for him to compromise his routine to make our lives easier. it makes me want to stop going out of my way to make his easier, emotionally, sexually, whatever. Im just emotionally defeated, u know?
Yes, this -- exactly what I
Yes, this -- exactly what I am thinking too! But worded so much better
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying. I haven't experienced it in with my family but when single with roommates and interviewing new roomies, I hated when the others would say "We would love to have you live with us, it's just up to Drew".
Sorry that your husband doesn't get it. Neither did my roommates.
Yeah, I'm along the lines
Yeah, I'm along the lines that I would probably be frustrated if DH didn't say that he needed to speak with me first -- I'm not excluded just because DH and BM made the kids. My choice is important too because it does effect me, and I personally have NO problem being the bad guy. I hate BM though, and everyone knows it. Lol. Long backstory there, but she always has and always will hold me accountable for THEIR inability to coparent. Nah, bitch; you're just mad because you can't have what I do. Sorry, went off on a rant!!
But anyway, I'd let it go and just talk to your husband, communicating that you don't enjoy being put into that position. Letting him know that you're happy be involved you in the choice, but it makes you feel uncomfortable to be put in that position. That kind of thing
whoever else said that men don't think on their toes about that kinda stuff is 100% accurate imo lol
Tell him to respond back and
Tell him to respond back and say, I talked to SM and I completely forgot that she already started planning a little birthday celebration with my family, i tell him to respond back and say, I talked to SM and I completely forgot that she already started planning a little birthday celebration with my family, I had forgotten that she already started.