Just fought w/ DH... I may have made a mistake.
As I'm typing this, the tears are just streaming... I was talking about to my husband about trying to relate to his 4 kids. One thing lead to another, he started to talk to me like I'm a child then abruptly stated he was ending the conversation so I left the room... felt like that was appropriate since the conversation was getting pretty heated.
He proceeded to follow me and tell me how immature I am for walking away from an argument. I disagree... I think that walking away from an argument is the best thing you can do because you avoid saying something else that you may/may not regret, but at any rate, somebody's feelings get hurt... and that's precisely what happened.
He told me that I constantly shut down from the child because I'm mad at their mom. I told him "news flash!" that the reason I sometimes shut down from his kids is not because I'm mad at their moms but more about the fact that I don't like kids. Well, that did it. So he asked me why I married him and I told him that I thought I could relate to them and have a relationship but as a general rule, I don't usually care for other people's kids.
Then the argument just proceeded into how I don't understand him and how he doesn't understand me... and on and on. If he had just stayed away from me and let me cool down, I wouldn't have said those things.
Now, I really feel like maybe I did make a mistake by marrying someone with kids... or atleast so many of them. Now I don't know what to do... our relationship is actually very good... it's just that sometimes the kids get in the way. Y'all know what I mean?
No, he has shared custody
No, he has shared custody with the moms... but what upsets me is that he'll go and pick up 1, 2, 3 or all 4 of them and bring them home one night without telling me and here I am... coming home from work or whatever expecting an empty house and poof! There they are! I think he needs to communicate better with me about stuff like that... apparently, he doesn't think so. Sometimes, I shut down with the kids because I didn't expect them to be there when I get home from a hard day at work.
One skid, 4 skids, I don't
One skid, 4 skids, I don't think the number matters. It is how the biological parent handles things that makes the difference.
Kids need love, discipline, belonging, all that jazz, yes...but if the marital relationship isn't put FIRST, not a chance in hell of the rest of it falling into place.
I wish I had some advice for you. I'm sorry you're hurting.
That's what I always say is
That's what I always say is the husband and wife are the head of the family and if they are sick the whole family suffers!! And if my DH brought home 4 skids without telling me I would knock his block off - he needs to put you and your feelings first and make you feel important and then it would be easier with his kids!! The skids may not be easier but you would handle more and better because you felt loved and important!!
I understand your point and
I understand your point and if he had still been talking, I never would have walked away... HE is the ONE who ended the conversation and said he wasn't talking anymore... so why stand there? He does this though everytime we fight... which quite honestly isn't often. The conversation comes to an end and nobody speaks for a few minutes, then I leave the room to use the bathroom or find work clothes for the next day and he will deliberately follow me to keep the fight going... why do people do this? It's like some people enjoy fighting! I guess I shouldn't be surprised... my ex got off on it, I think.
I was always accused of
I was always accused of "shutting down" from his kids. My DH thinks that because he would like to see his kids that I should miss them too.
Someone on here once said this...Try bringing your DH to a play ground where kids are that he does not know, have him interact with them for a couple of hours and then ask him if he loves those kids.
Thats what DH's ask us to do with their kids everytime. They are clueless.
Is there a room in the house that you can call your own, where you can be alone when things get stressful? In our bedroom I have a TV, recliner, music, candles etc. I retreat there for my me time.
Good point about the
Good point about the playground... he says that he understands where I'm coming from because he lived with and dealt with his exes kids from her first marriage, but my point was that then he should be more understanding. I told him that he didn't have to agree with me, but atleast attempt to see my point of view.
I did go the bedroom after he ended the conversation... he said I came in here to sulk... I told him that walking away to cool off is very different from sulking. And I'm definitely not sulking about his kids... that's for sure!
Take dh to a
Take dh to a playground.....
Oh thats good! I like that. Matter of fact, let me run with that, (pretending those playground kids are ALWAYS there)
Take dh there every other weekend.
No, no dh you cant have "other plans" i HAVE to go to the playground which means YOU HAVE TO ALSO.
Change of plans dh we are going to the playground again this weekend too.
I know WE had plans to be together, but the playground kids need me there, and i EXPECT you to WANT to be there too!
Oh, nevermind. We are not going.
And no we wont continue with our plans. Im too tired.
What do you mean that kid is rude to you?
Well i have been watching you dh, and you act like you dont even want to push that kid on the swing, what do you expect? Maybe you should try harder to push that kid like he is used to.
LOL anyone care to add?! I KNOW THERE IS MORE
AMEN to that! These kids,
AMEN to that! These kids, even though I consider their situations to be less than ideal and certainly the world's choice in mothers for these kids was not really good either... they have behavioral quirks or even downright bad behavior sometimes and yet WE are supposed to understand it and deal with it and never get frustrated with them.
He tried to say that his relationship with his kids was the same as mine... yeah, right! I reminded him that they are all blood and no matter how mad they get at each other, there is always going to be that unconditional love between that kid and dad... I don't have that with his kids. They aren't mine! His reply... "you won't allow that kind of relationship." Bulls**t! I try to have a relationship with SD6 but her mom and grandmom constantly tell her to NOT have a relationship with me! Oh, yeah... clearly it's the same thing.
I don't know why these Dads
I don't know why these Dads think that we are going to love their children like they do...and want them around all the time. It is even more difficult coming into a relationship with older teenagers. They are difficult to like much less love and want to be with. The BM is out of the picture so the Dad tries to be best friend, mother, father, entertainer and giver of everything. He worships these young men and thinks I should too.
Ripley... this is great
Ripley... this is great advice and I would LOVE to put it into practice because I have had to learn how to communicate with him better because I believe that the "communication" he had with his other 3 exes was so bad that I think he has forgotten "how" to communicate. The difficulty is that he gets very defensive about his past mistakes with all these women and even the kids themselves, so it almost doesn't matter how I approach it, he thinks that he is ALWAYS right... and there just isn't any "talking" with someone who truly believes that they are ALWAYS right.
Last night... I knew SD6 was coming over... I prepared by getting out the Disney coloring books, crayons, etc. and we colored together until it was her bedtime. Then she asked me to come into her room and help her pick out an outfit for school the next day. I was happy about this. I enjoyed helping her and coloring with her because I know her mom doesn't do these things. But tonight, I expected an empty house and I had a crappy day at work... I wasn't in a good mood when I got home and then to see SS10 come around the corner, I just felt blind-sided. But it doesn't bother him because he says I need to get over it because his kids were in his life before me... end of conversation.