You are here

The issue resolved itself (update to Strength Post)

CLove's picture

It SORT OF resolved itself. Feral Forger SD22 has drained every last drop of sympathy I ever had for her, now and in the future. Her never living with us is extremely solidified.

A few hours after I got home from work, and was just coming home from a nice dinner with DH, I got a lovely text (*not*) from FF.

I so very much want to respond, but know that no ounce or shred of wisdome will penetrate her self-perpetuated miserable victim-hood. I guess this should be titled "I REALLY Need Strength - to not respond to Toxic Texts!"

She is so obviously trying to push my buttons. She is trying to get a reaction from me, like she does her mother and sister. I havent responded. I started a few long-winded multi-paragraphed responses that dripped with wisdome and then end with "Peace and Love to You", but thats not really what I feel. My feelings are exactly what she was trying to craft.

Feelings such as "eff you, biotch!" and "well, you should have been nicer to me!" and "well your sister doesnt agree with you, ask her about the fair and the trip down south that we all went on".

But none of it will matter and she will find a way to use whatever I respond with, against me. So theres this funny joke, and heres my take on it: "An Egg and a Group of sperm walk into a bar..." Well without further adieu, I present the great writings of Feral Forger: keep in mind she is 22, left our house on her own and hasnt lived with us in 4 years...also of note is the fact that over these years, he has continually reached out during bdays and fathers days. I invited her over for christmas dinner last christmas. I took her out for a burger a few months ago. I orchestrated a nice dinner out with her and SD15 and dad and myself. So she could be celebrated. I sent her an art set for a bday present.

*********************************************** FERAL FORGER TO CLOVE ********************************************************

"You know, ever since you showed up my father hasnt been a father since? Now hes just a sperm donor that shows up for a hug once a year and thinks I'm a lost cause. You being drunk all the time and yelling  at me as a teenager and my egg donor of a mother doing the same thing caused me a lot of trauma on top of my dad being harsh on me. The rest of the family  cares more about me than you or my mother or my father and my sister doesnt give a f@ck. The Sperm donor is right Im just a lost cause and its because of the trauma you and him and my mother caused on me. Thanks a lot for taking my dad away"

CLove's picture

We were civil in our interactions. She had told me she wanted a positive relationship with me. That she appreciated me...

caninelover's picture

So block her!  

Notice how she's mad at others (her Mom, her Dad for not letting her move in) but blames you.  Classic deranged stepkid logic.

Block, stay disengaged, and good for DH for saying no to moving in.

CLove's picture

I should also like to add that in the morning, after she had sent family group text, that garnered a bunch of sympathy, whereby Auntie L1 told her "call me if you need help" - She then texted DH the same stuff. And he told her "call Auntie L1, and if you need a trip to the doctor I can bring you.

What it came down to is that she wanted to move back in with us, and he told her "you just want a free place to stay, eat the food and get feeling better and then go out and party. The problems you are having now are the same problems that you would have if you lived with me. If you dont solve your issues then you are a lost cause and I cant fix it".Not a good thing to text because she will use any and everything against you whatever it is you text her...

Also important is she got a LOT of shocked family members. Esp with the whole "She told me I should just kill myself!" And a few members called DH and tried to pressure him into having her move in with him (ahem, us). Auntie L1 also has a full house and cannt house FF - its truly complicated ...

JRI's picture

Im glad your DH sees the situation clearly and isn't being swayed by her.  That's a very true response.  He was being as supportive as he could (call Auntie, I'll give you a ride) without caving.

CLove's picture

Its the same thing she did at Christmas last year - cried poor me, dadee, pleeeeeease. And he basically said the same things to her. That she needs to get her act together, heres how I can help you. but if you live with me it will the the same exact issues.

Rags's picture

I believe that it is very simple.  FF has burned bridges with the people she should have been fostering relationships with by behaving reasonably.  She has earned what she sowed.  As for TT... no one cares except for the built in victims she bred.  

The sympathy squad eats up FF's troling for sympathy and just keeps feeding the beast.

Sadly.... FF is a lost cause.  She will remain a lost cause until she either grows up or.... meets her demise.

IMHO of course.

Stay detatched.  Let them all rot in the cesspool they create for themselves.  Hopefully the youngest one can avoid the abject faiure of the other two.

The_Upgrade's picture

Not that you'd ever want to kick the hornet's nest but imagine if you replied to that drivel with "if your mother was a better wife your dad still be married and wouldn't have gone looking somewhere else"

CLove's picture

And along those lines "well, imagine if your mother had not cheated and told her gf that she was getting d!ck pics from guys she met on the internet...they would still be married!"

or

"just think - if youd been nice like your sister you could still be living here and going to fun places!!!:

Or

"well, your father considers himself very lucky to have me right now, because he is a homeowner because of me rn"

Biggrin

tog redux's picture

THIS is why I feel no sympathy for these adult enmeshed kids. Yes, her mother messed her up, but she's a grown-up now and she's happily picked up the victim hood baton and is carrying it forward. She has choices and these are the choices she makes. You'll be her savior one week and her persecutor the next. Stay no contact with her.  And block her. 
 

 

CLove's picture

DH mentioned that he sees FF to be the exact same as TT. I told him thats what enmeshment looks lke. They look like they are the same person. Depenency has been created and perpetuated. They go at each other and then are closer than close. They have identical personality traits.

He just nodded in understanding.

"youlll be her savior one week and her persecutor the next". Well stated!!!

No contact continues...

AgedOut's picture

The best response is no response. She can't get a rise out of you if you do not rise to her nonsense. She pushed Mommy, perhaps too far and it failed. She got sympathy from some kinfolk but not what she wanted. She knows her back is up against the wall and she is desperate. My guess is she will increase the pressure on Daddy now. Be prepared for the guilt trip she's about to send him on.

CLove's picture

tickets printed, bags packed for a guilt trip. She does this every so often, so unfortunately we are "getting used to it". When will it end? Last time was in April during school-gate, and her mother was chiming in saying the same stuff "your girls feel like they dont have a father! They feel you chose your wife over them! Cantthey spend time bonding with you without herthere? Maybe she can go to her parents house!"

Eff off troll.

advice.only2's picture

This is why I never gave Spawn my phone number, she can text and sh@t all over her dad all she want's...me I didn't birth that drama so no reason for her to have free access to me.

CLove's picture

And I have not/will not respond. Thats what she is wanting and she will not have that.

I know she just wants to get sympathy. She wants to move back in, so shes pushing the buttons that always seemed to work.

halo1998's picture

Do not contact me again by any form of communication. Any futher contact will be considered harrassment and will be dealt with accordingly.

There is no need for you to put up what I call "adult temper tantrums".

I seriously do not get these "adult"....(they are in years only).. that think..hey I will not have contact with their parent for years and/or treat the parent badly but oh by the way continue to support us financially and let us do whatever we want.  

 

 

tog redux's picture

Because they've been trained well at Mama's knee to see themselves as the innocent victims of their abusive fathers and stepmothers, and believe they are entitled to forever support. Especially if the other parent, out of misplaced guilt, has enabled their poor behavior. 

caninelover's picture

Bratty even said a couple of times that SO 'owes' her because he left her with Darth Vader for 3 years before getting full custody.  And therefore (apparently) I owe her as well or she gives SO the cold shoulder until a barrage of texts come along months later with her demands.

At least we've seemed to put a stop to that behavior, for now at least.

tog redux's picture

I just thanked DH the other day for not being the type of divorced dad who tolerates that nonsense. 

caninelover's picture

He sees the issues with SS25 (failure to launch) more clearly than he does with Bratty, I think mostly because he hasn't come to terms with his own guilt-driven parenting of Bratty in particular (because she chose to remain in contact with SO after the split, vs SS who broke off communication).  

caninelover's picture

I don't fear losing her though so I'll stay disengaged LOL

CLove's picture

Society. "the kids should ALWAYS come first" this mentality has pervaded and persisted. So we are set up for this by current society teaching the parents that they must always subjugate themselves to the spawn they created. And if a step parent falls into this trap...then we are treated like the interlopers that dont belong so we must sacrifice ourselves on the altar of the first family.

CLove's picture

Yes, Ive got the chance to use this! Especially good because I am always accused of "harassment".

You dont think its too...much?

caninelover's picture

Tempting but don't do it.  It will only add fuel to her fire and then she will be group texting the family that you are cruel and heartless.

Stay silent, but do say to DH 'due to FF's harrassing texts, I am blocking her'

CLove's picture

that she texted me for 2 reasons:

1. To gain sympathy, from the family or me. Before, when she would do this, she got a reaction. I took her out for lunch, sent her a present, orchestrated a dinner.  She got cash from her father. All this because she went crying to toxic troll about "I lost my dad!!!!!"

2. She wants to guilt us the way she always does her mother, and she wants us to take her in, and take care of her.

So - if I respond in any negative way or way that goes against what she wants, she will use it against me to the family. "see, this is what my dad chose over his own CHILD".

halo1998's picture

it sets a precedent that you will not tolerate that type of behaviour and allows for further action.  Let me put it this way...should there be more offensive text messages and you need to seek legal help...you will have set the stage to pursue that.  You must tell them in no uncertain terms to STOP.  There can be no room for interrpretation.  NO..you didn't say I could call, write, send smoke signals, or use a flying monkey.  

Since this text served no purpose other than to harm/upset you....then yes that is harrassment.  Welcome to adulthood FF....words have meaning...

CLove's picture

You have a supremely valid point.

Repercussions to actions. Hello. You want to harrass me and make unfounded accusations, you have been warned I no longer will tolerate your ch!t.

And Toxic Troll perpetuates this whole bs, when it suits her. "Your girls want to bond with their dad, they feel theyve lost their dad! Cant clove go somewhere else?"

She created this monster and wants to fob it off on us, well too bad!!!!

If anyone is to blame its her. She had the kid on meds since 13. She perpuated her disablement and now it its being turned on her.

halo1998's picture

so might as well make the response to be a benefit to you...either now or later.  

It is a hard boundary for you.  FF is free to contact her father...the person she is "claiming" she wants to have a relationship with.  by all means then...don't stand in her way.  Smile

ESMOD's picture

Eye roll from me... to her text.  My OSD also wrote my DH a note one time about how hurt she was that he "abandoned her" as a child..  Really laid it on the guilt.. 

My younger brother also blames my parents for our "not normal" upbringing that drove him to self medicate with drugs.. 

News flash to all these injured souls... the fact is that normal isn't normal.  Everyone has some level of trauma/history/abnormal family dynamic to deal with growing up.  Some people endure horrific abuse and situations.. but those are extremes.. and my brother? my OSD?  they didn't experience that level of problem...

My DH did work out of the state for a time after he split with their mother.. who had a full compliment of blame in the split.. it was not a situation of my DH's making.. though I am sure he wasn't a perfect partner all the time.. his EX definitely pulled plenty of her own bad actions.  But, my DH worked away from home a decent amount bEFORE they split too.. it's the nature of his job as a boat captain.. so she is remembering things a bit fuzzy.  Also.. her mom had primary custody.. it wasn't a matter of him abandoning.. but mom often made visitation difficult.. coupled with his work?  he was not always close by.. but it wasn't abandoning.. he kept in contact as much as he humanly possible could.  To this day, he has daily calls with his younger daughter and speaks to OSD a few times a week.

The problem is she has some warped idea of what she thinks she is entitled to in life.. her parents splitting up meant that resources were often tighter.. (2 households not one).  so she didn't get all the designer spoils and new cars at 16 she thougth that someone of her "worth" should be getting.

I have to put it out there that at some point people need to start taking personal responsibility for their lives and their direction.

So your parents screwed up the first 18 year?  Does that mean you get to screw up the next 45 of yours?  Get some therapy.. sever ties with toxic family and make your own damn way in the world.  You blame mom/dad/stepmom?  That's fine..  maybe they WERE not great role models and caregivers.. so what?  you are an adult.. figure out how to life a good and productive life and get to doing it.. vs spending all your time lookign in the rear view mirror blaming someone else for your future.

The truth is that most parents.. even some pretty bad ones.. are doing the best that they can... they have their own demons.. addictions.. stressors.. they do the best they can.. that may not be good enough.. but it is what it is... if you want a better life.. you will need to make your own way sometimes.. it's as simple as that.

I went to college and one of my roomates had been raped by her brother growing up and her parents disowned her... (brother was incarcerated for doing it to another person.. so why they didn't believe her who knows)...she was putting herself though college and living the best and most positive life she could. ..her history was part of her.. but did not define her or what she would accomplish in life.

THAT is the message that FF needs to get.

I'm sorry you feel like the adults in your life didn't live up to your expectations.  But, you are an adult and you and only you have the power to change yourself and your life.  You have issues? find a therapist, deal with it and go live your best life.. because you are an adult and it's not anyone's business but your own.  Perhaps if everyone was such a toxic influence.. cutting ties for a while is going to be best for your recovery.  Wish you luck.

CLove's picture

I disengaged from her when I found this site. So I wasnt a strong influence in her life either negatively or positively. 

Her MOTHER on the other hand, they would go at each other ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

Her father - well, it was WWW 3 to get her off to school. He had to be harsh at times, but many times was neutral.

I think what she is referring to about "since I came along she hasnt had a father"...is when her mother left, she was esssentially the "woman of the house", in standard mini-wife fashion. She would help around the house and help with her sister, but essentially DH took care of the kids when he booted the Toxic Troll out. So when I came along - she was demoted and I became "woman of the house". She was back to child status, and didnt like that one bit.

THEN when she started disrespecting me, I called her out on it. Thats what she is describing as me being drunk and yelling at her. When she disrespected me, I called upon DH to have my back and he generally did. SHE would be the one yelling at ME and turn around and tell the world I did this, when all I did was shake my head and laugh. She called me names, "effing b!tch" and said it was ME that called HER the "effing b!tch".

At every turn, when he tried to parent her, Toxic Troll would step in. So, even with her mother being toxic and abusive (mainly to me and DH) shes had a VERY EASY LIFE.

ESMOD - I did in fact craft a message similar to what you commented. How she has the power within herself to get herself into a better life and more positive circumstance. I deleted it because she will always turn the narrative against me and make it into a sympathy-grab "poor me the victim stepchild with horrible stepmother".

I love how your message comes across. Kind and empathetic. But still firm, and directive. I may send her a message but Im more towards blocking at this juncture...evil stepmonster that I am!

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, it doesn't matter if they are lies.. even wrapped around a grain of truth.

The bottom line is she is an adult and can choose to live her life the way she wants.  No "golden Flounce awards" to be given for her passive aggressive texts that are crafted to draw people into her drama.

I think you do have a difficult time disengaging from these people... backstabber may be labeled as such.. yet you still arrange for trips to the fair for her.  FF gets your tax wisdom.. etc..  You want the relationships to be positive and normal.. but they just can't and whether you yelled at her or not as a teen.. at this point.. she needs to pull up her grown woman thong and go at life on her own terms.  

Perhaps it's freeing for her to be able to move forward not worrying about what all you horrible people think about her life..lol.

I mean.. that is what it should be.. she should be putting all of you in the rear view if you were such horrible people.

I would block her.. what she wrote.. lies.. or truth in her own mind.. she has managed to pull you in to her drama.. because you are hurt she is blaming you for her problems.. when you ahve done so much to help her.

Again.. 

I would take this as a sign you need to block her and advise anyone else on the recieving end of her blarney to block her as well... a toddler doesn't have much of a tantrum without an audience.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

So FF is blocked now, yes? YES?!

CLove, take the high road and ignore the wh0re. And BLOCK. Right NOW. *diablo*

CLove's picture

I keep thinking about it...and then find reasons not to, as if I need more ammunition or something.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ammunition means you still have a dog in this fight. She's not worth a single second of it. Not receiving the text, not wasting your time reading the text, not wasting time and effort considering whether or not you should respond to the text (you should NOT), not telling your DH about the text. Not even the simple pressing of a button or two to delete the text. LET IT GO.

ndc's picture

Please block her. There is no reason to see messages from her. You know you have moments of weakness and might respond in a way you'll ultimately regret. Best to be completely disengaged and have as little contact as possible. FF is toxic. No good can come of allowing her texts/calls.

CLove's picture

At this point, I am above all the games and dont need the stress...no contact works.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

No contact means BLOCK HER so she cannot contact you. You said it yourself, "I.... dont need the stress".

CLove's picture

BLock BLock BLock.

Shes gone from my life, for now. Whew. Good riddance.

Just because shes my husbands child doesnt give her or anyone a free pass to abuse me.

caninelover's picture

Congrats and you did the right thing.  You are completely right, she does not have any right sending you any texts.  If she a beef she should take it up with dear ol' dad.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Just because shes my husbands child doesnt give her or anyone a free pass to abuse me

EXACTLY!!! No one has the right to do that, darlin'. So glad you finally blocked her. xoxo

tog redux's picture

You seem to be wavering, as if anything you say to her could be helpful. You don't need to forever be kind and empathetic to someone who has mistreated you repeatedly. If you respond with some nice platitude you will just get more abuse.  Yes, this is abuse, and no matter what was done to her, she has no right to treat people this way. 
 

May I ask - are you so forgiving with all people, or is it something about these two SDs that makes you feel you have to take their crap without protecting yourself?

CLove's picture

Maybe I just invite this somehow. Ive been described as "pure of heart" by my friends, Im just too soft. soft and weak.

I try to forgive people. Mostly, but lately Ive been cutting toxic people out of my life - mainly women who have been horrible to me behind my back or who have been dishonest, lying, theiving, selfish, toxic.

Really, the only connection I have to this tiresome trio (toxic troll, feral forger and backstabber) is DH, and after almost 8 years, Im over it. OOH you want to complain to me? BLOCK. I just want to go to work, come home, live life, eat well, pet my cat, water my plants...

I get sick to my stomach when I think that this will never end...like JRI and her SD. 

tog redux's picture

It will end if you make it end, and if you don't, it won't. . You are too kind and toxic people sense that.  FF has lied, stolen, manipulated and abused you.   Ignore and block, and don't feel bad. If she does something like this again, file harassment charges. 

JRI's picture

I should have been on Steptalk about 30 years ago and maybe I'd have SD out of my life by now.  Lol.

Rags's picture

No one invites this. IMHO anyway.

You did not invite it. You did what a good person does.  You cared for your mate's children.  You attempted to engage in a relationship with them.  That they are beast progeny and have few redeeming characteristics is not your fault. You did not create it, you did not foster it, you have not enabled it, etc, etc, etc...  The are old enough to own their behavioral choices, so even TT, who is a shit show of monumental proportions, does not own the choices of FFand increasingly does not own the choices of  Backstabber Munchkin who sadly seems to be starting to show her true self with burgeoning TT and FF characteristics.  Please correct me if I am wrong.

What is a fairly common trait among the SPs to these types of nasty spawn is that the SP tolerates it for far too long rather than taking a zero tolerance position at the first moment the hell spawn pull their hell spawn crap.  

If we tolerate it once, fine.  That is reasonable.  That behavior may be an aberration.  If we tolerate it twice, maybe the hell spawn behavior is a coincidence.  Though we should recognize that they may not be worthy of our investment of care or attempts to build a relationship.Tolerate it a third time and beyond, shame on us. We are not responsible for their behavior.  We are entirely responsible for the misery our tolerance causes in our lives.

IMHO of course. 

MissK03's picture

I'm a little late to this party.. I don't always check forum posts.. 

You clearly know what to do so no need to repeat what everyone else wrote..

I'm just sorry these girls hurt you the way they have.. you clearly came in to it hoping for a nice loving/friendly relationship with them and they repeatedly keep stomping on you.. using you as their scapegoat for their own personal problems.

Also remember.. the way they are has NOTHING to do with you. No matter what you've said, didn't say, could have done, should have done etc.. more then likely the outcome was always going to be the same in this case. 

Don't ever let these girls question who you are as a person! You know you're a good person and they are missing out! OH WELL... BYE B*TCH!! Haha. 

Stay strong Clove! 

CLove's picture

And now SD15 B/M is blocking her as well. The abuse just continues. Shes not interested in having any kind of relationship with me, not at all. At least I know I tried.